just for you (years 5-7)

chapter 38

things are looking up, now that draco had blaise and theo by his side— nearly at all times. i hardly find him working alone in our room. half the time, he's given up and let's blaise pitch in (even if it's just to hold his book or look something up for him). but me, i'm not allowed near any of the work. i'm strictly in charge of food runs and keeping away the nightmares.

which, by all means, i'm fine with. i'd rather not kill my headmaster— but i wish i was doing more.

"you're doing the most of any of us, y/n." theo says reassuringly, patting my shoulder as we clean up the room. blaise has went off to bed already, planning to meet up with some seventh year in the astronomy tower ("good for you, mate!" theo grinned when blaise exited), and draco's dozed off in our bed, in the middle of his reading.

"i suppose..." i sigh, turning away to pick up some journals strewn across the floor. "feels like i'm just most in the clear though—"

"obviously. he wouldn't put you in danger in a million years." theo chuckles slightly, and i hear him plop onto the couch behind me. "speaking of— um— i wanted to mention something to you."

"yeah?" i put down the books i'm holding onto to draco's desk, turning slowly to face theo.

he bites in his cheek, looks around the room, and the. refocuses. "in regards to the whole... keeping you safe thing. draco has to— well, he..." theo clears his throat, "he learnt occlumency, you see—"

"i know." i say accusatorially. i hate it when blaise and theo act like they know ever so much more than i do. arrogant pricks sometimes, those two.

"oh! you do then, okay." theo nibbles at his lip again, and then looks back at me. "you know what he used it for?"

"hide where his loyalties lie, i guess? so voldemort doesn't see he isn't... trying his hardest to win." i muse, realizing he never real did explain his occlumency in detail to me.

"sort of." theo says slowly. "he... he hides you. in his mind, i mean. all the memories of you he just— tucks away. so voldemort can't see them."

"oh." i furrow my brow, "like snogging and stuff? because i wouldn't want voldemort seeing that either—"

"no, like... everything." theo looks at my seriously, and i feel my heart drop to my stomach. it twists slightly, and i nod in understanding, urging him to continue.

"well, it was mainly his mums idea. if— if voldemort knows about you, he'll use you as leverage, you know? like, cissa's used against lucius all the time— voldemort's always saying lucius should work if he wants to protect his wife." theo averts his eyes, and i watch as i remember how much of the war he's had to experience too— what with his dad and all.

"same goes for draco, if voldemort knew he had you. all the threats would be about..." theo shuffles his feet, "you know."

killing me. ah. right. splendid. that's just fucking splendid.

i give a small nod, letting out a slow breath.

"and... he probably won't warn you, or want to talk about it— knowing him—" theo's twists his hands together, clearly getting uncomfortable with serious conversation, "but he'll have to start building up those walls again soon— boxing you in— in preparation for the holidays. and— well.... he might just, not be himself, that's all." theo looks back at me, probably praying i understand so he won't have to keep talking. "he'll forget a lot... about you... while he's got you tucked away and just— please, don't... blame him for it? i dunno." theo sighs, looking back down at his lap.

"sure, yeah." is all i manage to choke out, feeling my eyes prick slightly. with a shaky breath, i look over at the bed— and draco curled up in it. he looks peaceful as ever, hugging a pillow and a book resting open in one hand. and he's going to forget me— just for a bit, just for my safety— but i'm sure it'll hurt nonetheless.