prologue

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"Momma always tells me I need to marry my favorite boy, well I think I'm gonna marry you, Sapnap!" Karl looked over at his best friend, grinning as he waited for his approval. Sapnap was smiling so wide he literally had to cover his mouth, hands shaking with energy.

"That would be so fun! I really want that."

The two sat in silence for a moment, both of them beaming in content as they continued to shape the sand under their fingers into the castle of their dreams. All of a sudden though, Karl frowned. "I thought only boys and girls could marry?"

Sapnap huffed, looking at him and tipping his head thoughtfully. "Anyone can marry, Karl. My dad says boys and boys can marry, girls and girls can marry, and boys and girls can, anyone can!" He lit up again, like he excited himself with the news. And Karl was about to do the same thing, but he slumped again when he thought about it more.

"But my momma says only boys and girls." He looked confused, as if his own words didn't make sense to him. They didn't sound right. "And she says I'm a girl..."

"Shh," Sapnap frowned, reaching out and tapping his nose with his finger. He pulled away and looked all concentrated as he continued to work on their sand castle. "Your mom is mean. You're not a girl. You're the coolest boy I've ever met."

"Really?" Karl glanced up nervously, his eyes actually feeling teary. He got really sensitive when he talked about things like this. No one in his life accepted him as much as Sapnap did. His classmates always called him by the wrong name and his family wouldn't listen to him when he tried to tell them how he felt. No one really understood his feelings except for his best friend. That was why he was here to stay, even when Karl's mom didn't let him see him anymore because he got his hair cut and his parents started calling him by his real name.

"Yes, really." Sapnap scoffed, not even looking up. "You think I'd lie to you?"

"No!" Karl exclaimed, trying not to do anything drastic to the castle just out of pure happiness. He had so many happy hormones running through his body, making his limbs want to wiggle. So he wrung his hands out, his eyes so full of life as he stared at him. "I'm just...very happy."

"I am happiest when we are together!" Sapnap said easily, like it was second nature. He glanced up for a split second and smiled when their gazes met. "Yeah, I think marrying you would be nice."

Karl squealed, shaking his hands more and reaching to touch at his long hair to fix it. "We are two boys...and we can marry?"

"Yes!" Sapnap grinned, nodding his head eagerly. His expression changed when he pursued his lips and he looked Karl up and down, thoughtful. "What is better, Karl Halo or Sapnap Jacobs?"

"I like my last name on you!" Karl giggled, finally reaching out and nudging Sapnap by his shoulders to roughhouse with him. "Sounds good!"

"Well I think you sound good with mine," Sapnap pouted, not fighting back, which only made Karl try to scoot closer and shake him around.

"Sapnap Jacobs!" Karl practically yelled in his face, and the two burst out into laughter. So much that the boy fell backwards, his head landing in the sand. He laid back enough so he could kick his legs in the air as well. He was over the moon. He had a solution to the problem that his mom kept bringing up, and that was that he could just marry his best friend and not have to jump through more hoops to do what she wanted!

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"Momma, can two boys get married?" Karl asked loudly, his eyes shining with wonder. He just wanted to hear it from someone other than Sapnap, because even though he would take his opinions as fact no matter what, he just wanted one other person to tell him that could be possible, and cater to his curiosities.

However, he was met by long silence, which quickly turned Karl's hopeful expression into a painful frown. He knew what that meant. "No, they can't." His mom said, like it was nothing. Did Sapnap lie to him? Karl's bottom lip quivered, because he thought about how Sapnap called him the coolest boy and how they were going to get married together and that he'd get Karl's last name.

He hesitated, reaching in her direction because he just wanted to be held and comforted. He always felt safest in the touch of other people, even when they made him sad sometimes. His mom was the biggest example of that; she said things like this to whittle down his hopes and dreams and then cuddle him until he felt like she was justified.

"The only boys and boys that get married are bad ones," Karl's mom said in the softest way she could for such unfortunate words. She pulled him into a little embrace where he sat on the chair and pulled away with a stern look on his face, making Karl shudder with anxiety. "Only boys and girls. I tell you this so much."

"Sorry momma," Karl sighed, staring at the wall now and just feeling empty. So who was right, his mother who raised him from birth, or his best friend? He couldn't help but think of the way Sapnap smiled and how the wind would ruffle his dark hair, making him look straight out of a cartoon. His sweet words, how they praised Karl simply for existing and respected his existence as his true self, unlike Karl's mom. And as he nuzzled into her warm embrace, he knew that he didn't hate her, he just hated the things she said to her, how she tried to keep Karl from meeting up with Sapnap and how she refused to call him anything but the name he was given at birth.

He didn't know what he'd do if Sapnap didn't go to his school. He would feel so alone. Sometimes he would tell kids his real name and they would bombard him with questions or laugh at him. But Sapnap was quickly accepted because he looked like a boy, unlike Karl.

Later that night, Karl stood in front of the bathroom mirror, scissors in hand. The door was closed and locked, and he knew his mother wouldn't be looking out for him right now. He made one last wary glance out as if he expected it to swing open at any time, and then touched at his long hair to hold it out and then cut it. His eyes widened, looking at the strands in his hands, reflecting yellow bathroom light. He shivered, but the weight that had been sitting on his chest had finally lifted. He lit up, continuing to cut all around his head until it was short, but it was also an uneven mess. Soon enough he stepped back and stared at himself in the mirror with teary eyes, not able to believe what he saw in front of him. Yeah, his haircut looked awful, but at least he actually looked like himself. He looked like a boy.

Karl smiled, enjoying his moment of clarity before he suddenly felt a spike of anxiety when he realized that his mom was going to see him like this. He panicked, trying to grab all the hair in the sink and stuff it into the trash can, trying to hide the pile under toilet paper rolls and dirty tissues. He turned on the sink to wash the rest of the strands down the drain, and wiped at the edges until the porcelain was spotless.

He stepped back and caught another glance of his reflection, smiling again weakly. Now that was Karl Jacobs. He couldn't wait to show Sapnap the next day. Quickly, he grabbed the scissors and stuffed them in the drawer, because he didn't want to put them in the kitchen downstairs just yet. His parents were there and they'd see his hair; he wasn't ready for that conversation yet. He darted from the bathroom straight to his room, and he closed the door, running to flop backwards on his bed.

Karl stared up at the ceiling, covering himself with his blanket and quickly rolling onto his side. As he closed his eyes, he pictured Sapnap's hypothetical reaction to his hair, and he couldn't help but soften up.

What comforted him the most that night was thinking of holding his best friend as they both fell asleep together. Ever since it had always been clear as day that Karl's love language manifested in the form of pure, unfiltered touch.

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