The Christmas Party

Room For You

I took Tuesday off too. I tried to tell myself to go into work, to just face the music because sitting at home wasn't going to solve any of my problems, but I just couldn't bring myself to show my face in the office or stare at those pictures of Thea all day.

I hardly slept again, waking up every hour or so with my heart hammering so hard in my chest I felt like it could leap out of my throat at any moment. Each time I woke up, I reached for the side of the bed and the fracture in my heart grew wider when my hand met empty space.

At five am I gave up on sleeping and moved to the couch. I curled up under a blanket and watched The Office. By eleven I was starving. I didn't have any food in my fridge since I'd left for several days and I didn't feel like going to grocery store. I ordered a smoothie, something easy to get down, but even that was a challenge; my body was rejecting everything.

Hours wiled away on the couch. My phone buzzed here and there, always Luca. I ignored him. I couldn't talk to him. I had nothing to say. Your sister broke my heart?

I never thought about the implications of my relationship with Luca when I got involved with Thea. I didn't consider what would happen with us should things with Thea go south; it seemed too soon to be worrying about that; I was wrong, apparently.

I thought about Luca. I thought about what our friendship would look like after this. How long until I felt comfortable going over to his apartment? Would I ever? How long until I didn't feel like I'd been sucker punched at the sight or memory of Thea? Would Luca just remind me of her? God. God this was complicated.

All of this thinking was getting me nowhere and it only served to make me depressed because all I could think about was Thea. I tried to turn off my brain and focus on the The Office.

I had no idea what time it was until it was suddenly dark in my apartment. I felt pathetic. I was pathetic.

Still, all I could think about was her.

* * *

I made it into work Wednesday. Whatever Jim had told everyone seemed to help, because they all offered me sympathetic looks and kept their distance.

"Thank you," I said to Jim when I sat down.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"You look it."

"Thanks."

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks."

Monica kept her distance and I was happy for that, but I still had this small part of my pride that wouldn't let me stash those photos of Thea in my desk even though it was painful to look at them. I didn't want Monica to know anything about Thea and I. I didn't want her to suspect anything was wrong. I didn't want to believe anything was wrong and some small part of me felt that once I removed the photos it really was over.

I decided to stare at the pictures of us and expose myself to the pain, hoping to numb it. That's how I spent my entire eight hour day and by the end of it, looking at the pictures hurt just as much at the end of the day as they did at the beginning. I'd accomplished nothing.

When I got home I had a missed call from Luca. I supposed that because I had so many unanswered texts from him that he was resorting to calling me. I couldn't remember a time that we'd gone a day without texting, even if it was only to ask how our day was.


By the time I woke up Thursday morning, I had ten missed calls from him. But still, I couldn't bring myself to speak to him. I couldn't bring myself to speak to anyone but Jim because he felt like the only safe person to speak to. Luca reminded me of Thea and, at least for the time being, I couldn't separate the two and it was just too painful to speak to him.

I was thankful Friday was a holiday, because today was another unproductive and difficult day at work and I didn't know if I could swing another day at work on little sleep and food. I stared at the pictures of Thea more but it didn't help. When the day ended, Jim wished me a Happy New Year when I gathered my things to leave. He walked with to the door.

"Any plans for tonight?" he asked.

"A date with my couch and The Office."

"You're not going to do anything?"

"No, I'll keep my depressing self to myself."

"We're having a small party at my place tonight. Do you want to come?"

"I guess I can't use my girlfriend with unusual work hours to get out of this one, can I?"

Jim laughed. "No, not this time. But you do know you can say no just because you don't want to go?"

"I wish I would have learned that lesson before all this."

Jim gave me his number and told me to text him if I changed my mind and wanted to get out of the house. I accepted his phone number but knew I wouldn't text. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to be depressed all by myself.

I drove home in silence. I couldn't listen to music—somehow it all upset me and made me cry, even the happy stuff. I hopped out of my car and pulled my coat around me tighter, colder than ever. I hiked up the stairs to my apartment and stopped mid-step. When I got home, Luca was standing at my apartment door.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"You wouldn't answer your phone."

"Yeah, I, uh—"

"I was worried sick about you."

"Luca, I'm sorry I just—" I sighed. "I don't feel like talking right now."

"Too bad." Luca grabbed the keys from my hand and let himself into the apartment. I sighed and followed him. My hollow shell of a self didn't have the energy to fight him.

I collapsed on the couch and leaned my head back, closing my eyes. I had a headache that had been my constant companion these last few days. It was probably my body begging for food, for sleep, but these weren't things I was able to give. Everything hurt, everything ached, everything sucked.

"What's going on?" Luca asked, settling on the couch next to me. He rubbed my arm like he always did when he knew I needed to be comforted. This time it didn't help.

"Thea hasn't told you?" I asked, eyes still closed, the throbbing in my head pounding like a drum.

"Thea hasn't said one word to me since Sunday. The minute she gets home from work she goes straight to her room and locks the door. She's also been staying at her office until eight, nine o'clock at night now, which is way worse than before. Now you're ghosting me. What's going on?"

I felt something break inside of me knowing Thea was hurting. I realized it didn't matter that she was the one to push me away and hurt me; I hated knowing Thea was indulging in self-destructive behavior, working longer hours and isolating herself and for what? What was all of this about? She finally was letting go of everything, that tight fist was loosening it's grip, but suddenly all of the progress was lost and the pattern of cataclysmic behavior became worse.

Thea turned her back on me, on everything.

"What is going on, Louise?" Luca asked. He scanned my face. "You look like shit."

"Thanks," I said, the usual bite of sarcasm absent from my voice.

"Did something happen between you two?"

"Yes, but I couldn't tell you what."

"What does that mean?"

"Luca, Thea is your sister and I just—I don't know if it's best for you to get in the middle of this."

"I want to figure out something because from the looks of it you're both miserable."

"She said she wanted space, so, I'm giving her space."

Luca quirked his eyebrow in such a Thea-like manner that I felt like crying all over again. I missed her so much. Luca must have noticed because he reached out a hand and rubbed my arm again.

"Lou, what's going on? Can you please tell me what happened?"

I looked at him, opened my mouth to speak, but caught a sob in my throat. He threw his arms around me and I cried into his chest. I wasn't sure how long we stayed like that, but he rubbed my hair and back and told me it would be okay. I didn't believe him. I didn't think anything could ever be okay again in my life. Not without her. Life without her didn't feel like it was worth living. I felt so absolutely pathetic when I realized I was so utterly dependent on her, but I really didn't think I could go on without her in my life. A relationship of only ten days and I was destroyed. How pathetic. How miserable.

"Tell me what happened, Lou," Luca prompted again, rubbing my back. His eyes were colored with worry and sympathy. "I know she's my sister, but you're also my best friend. You're both miserable. Just—please talk to me."

I wiped the tears away and Luca held me by my shoulders, his eyes boring into mine. With a pang of misery, I realized his eyes were a mirror of Thea's, desperately pleading.

I shrugged. "I don't know, Luca. I really don't know."

I explained what happened in the car then on our walk. I tried so carefully to relay every small detail to him, to her brother, hoping he would be able to help me understand, to tell me the misstep, so he could tell me how to fix it.

"I just . . . I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around what went wrong. Did I scare her away?"

Luca watched me, his eyebrows turned up in sympathy.

"What did I do?" I sobbed. "What did I do to lose her? How can I fix it?"

Luca almost looked like he wanted to cry too.

"Lou, I'm so sorry. Come here." Luca pulled me in for another tight hug and held me while I cried and cried until nothing was left. "Have you eaten?"

I shook my head against his chest. Luca pulled out his phone and ordered food. He made me eat. I choked it down, but I finished my meal.

"You're a wreck."

"No kidding," I snapped. "She hasn't talked to you at all?"

Luca shook his head. "No, not a word." He took a deep breath. "I don't know what Thea's doing. She won't talk to me. She won't even look at me." I watched him steadily. "Do you remember what I told you last week about Thea?"

I shook my head.

"Thea is . . . weary of every good thing that has happened to her because she's so scared that one day she'll lose it all; that something will happen and she'll lose everything. I don't know what she's thinking—I can't get inside her head this time—but something must have scared her. She must have realized she had something to lose and her fear of losing, well, you, was too much for her to handle."

I shook my head. "When has Thea ever let fear control her?"

"Much more than you realize." Luca shook his head. "She's scared of so much and she believes that things will just be easier if she never lets herself . . . feel."

"I don't understand. If she feels that way why did let herself feel for me, then? Why go through all of this? Why tell me she loves me?"

"She what?" Luca asked, his initial response lost. "She told you she loved you?"

"I told her I loved her too." I told Luca Thea's confession to me, her declaration of love, of devotion, her promises to me.

Luca's surprise was written all over his face. "She's never said that to anyone, at least not to my knowledge."

"I know. She told me the same thing. She felt to sure, so confident when she told me and I know it's so soon. I know it's so early and we've only really been in a relationship for ten days, but I . . . I felt that way—I still feel that way. Luca, I love your sister more than I have ever loved another person and I don't know what to do." I dropped my head in my hands. "This is literally killed me. It hurts so much. I've never felt the loss of another person like this." There were tears in my eyes again. "It hurts."

"I know," Luca whispered. He rubbed my back and when I finally could look at him again, I saw his eyes were glassy.

"Luca, please, tell me what I did."

Luca shook his head. "You didn't do anything wrong. You fell in love with a person who doesn't easily accept love." He shrugged, desperately. "Thea is . . ." Luca lost his words.

"Luca I can't—this—this hurts so much and I can't do this. It hurts."

"I know. I know. I'm sorry."

"I love her Luca."

"I know."

"I love her so much."

"I know you do. It's been written all over your face for weeks. Hers too. I know she loves you, Louise."

"Please don't tell me that."

"I know she does."

"What good does that do? She loves me but it's not enough."

Luca bit his bottom lip, thinking. "Let me talk to her."

"Luca, no. I told you I don't want you in the middle of this. It's not your job."

"Instead I'm supposed to sit and watch the two people I love most in this world—who clearly love each other—suffer?"

I shook my head. "Yes, because that's what Thea wants."

"Thea is being a fucking idiot and she doesn't know what she wants. She did so much for me when we were younger, she saved me from so much. I think it's time I return the favor."

"No, Luca, please. She said she wanted space. I don't want her to think that I'm trying to manipulate you or trick her into talking to me. She was very clear about what she wanted."

"Louise, you two belong together."

"She never belonged to me."

"She always has, Lou."

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading, voting, and commenting!

Here is update 2/3 today. I didn't want to leave you guys sitting in these feelings for too long. I'm working on the next chapter now! Thanks for sticking it through; sometimes the characters and plot just kind of do their own thing because, really, I'm just following what my characters want and do and this is the path they've gone down. I hope you're enjoying so far and don't forget--there will be a happy ending. It's still Christmas, after all!

The music I wrote this chapter to was I'm Alone, No You're Not by Joseph.