All of You

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It was New Years Eve and I had no plans.

Yesterday, before Luca left and we'd exhausted our conversation about my failed relationship with Thea, he tried to convince me to go to a party with him tonight. I refused. He changed tactics and offered an evening at Alice's. I refused again. I told him I wasn't in the mood. I especially didn't want to be surrounded by kissing couples at midnight and be reminded of my failed love life.

I was also sure I would suck any happiness out of any party I attended with my damper presence.

Before Luca left, I'd also begged him not to talk to Thea, to just let things be. He looked at me, begging me with his eyes to let him try to help, to fix it. I told him no. It wasn't his mess to fix; I didn't want him in the middle of whatever this was. I also had to admit that I loved Thea so much that if she didn't want anything to do with me that I had to be okay with that, however long it took. I had to be okay with whatever she wanted.

Luca tried to argue with me, tried to tell me that Thea didn't know what she wanted, that she wasn't thinking clearly, that this fear that consumed her was what ended things with me, not Thea.

I told him it didn't matter. I told him to leave it be. With a sigh of defeat, he agreed and left my apartment sometime around midnight.

I didn't sleep.

I still hadn't heard from Thea and I told myself that I had to just accept whatever this was and move on. Luca, however, was insistent and wouldn't stop harassing me, convinced he could somehow to get me to leave my house.

Luca: Please come over.

Me: No.

Luca: Please I don't want to spend New Years alone.

Me: You won't. You have parties to go to.

Luca: I don't want to go without you. I bought a ton of stuff for us to have a party here, just the two of us. Thea won't be here, she has a work thing.

Me: You come over here.

Luca: No offense but your apartment is a depressing mess. You need to leave your apartment and get out. Come over. Everything set up. I have champagne and cookies. Your favorite.

Me: Luca, no. I don't think Thea will appreciate we being there.

Luca: She won't be home!

Me: She has to come home eventually right?

Luca: Fine then leave at 12:01. She'll be at the work thing until at least then then she'll have to drive back. You won't even see her.

Me: Just come over here.

Luca: Thea is taking the car.

Me: Then I'll come get you.

Then Luca called me and I groaned when I answered.

"Please come over."

"No."

"Please, Lou."

"Why is it so important to you that I come over?"

"Because I care about you and you need to get out of your apartment."

We went back and forth like that for a while, but eventually Luca won. I showered and dressed in comfortable leggings and sweatshirts; I wasn't trying to impress anyone. I looked at myself in the mirror and contemplated throwing on makeup because I still looked like absolute shit, but decided against it; it was just Luca. He already knew I looked like I wanted to die.

I drove to his apartment through the snow and quickly ran up to his door. I paused for a moment outside of it, my knuckles hanging over the door. I wanted to knock. I knew Thea wasn't home, but it didn't feel right using the key anymore. I didn't feel like I belonged here anymore; this wasn't my home.

I finally knocked and Luca answered the door with a bright smile. He was all dressed up.

"Wow, I didn't realize we were getting fancy tonight."

"I wanted to look nice."

I rolled my eyes and walked inside, kicking off my boots.

"I realized I just forgot the champagne," Luca said.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I'll be right back, I'm just going to run to the store down the road. Do you need anything?"

"I'll come with you."

"No, no. Just stay here and make yourself comfortable and I'll be back soon."

I sighed and sat on the couch. I looked around at all of the Christmas decorations and was reminded of Thea. The entire apartment reminded me of Thea and I questioned why I even accepted this proposal, this was so stupid. If I couldn't stare at a picture of her on my desk what made me think I could be in her apartment. I guess I would have to get over this if I wanted to continue to be friends with Luca.

I looked down the hall and wanted to go into Thea's bedroom to be close to her, to allow myself to let go, to say goodbye properly. I shook my head; I was being weird.

Twenty minutes later the apartment door opened and I stood up to help Luca with whatever he was carrying, but it was not Luca at the door. It was Thea.

My heart stopped beating in my chest, my stomach dropped, and I felt cold panic flood through my veins. I was at a loss for words.

She looked gorgeous.

I wasn't supposed to be here.

"I'm sorry," I finally managed to stutter. "Luca told me you wouldn't be home. I-I'm really sorry. I'll go. Just tell him that—sorry."

I scrambled to kick on my boots. My heart pounded in my chest against a tight grip. I couldn't breathe and I knew I was moments away from crying. I had to get out of here. I couldn't be in the same room as her. How was I ever supposed to get over this?

"You don't have to go," Thea said. She sounded tired, not at all the voice I was used to, the voice of over confidence and jest. The voice that always seemed to have a smile behind it, even if she was exasperated with me.

"No, this is your apartment. I need to leave. I'm sorry."

I stood up and pulled on my heavy coat and scarf. Thea watched me. I stared back at her. The usually lithe intelligence behind those eyes was gone. She looked tired.

"Are you okay, Louise?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I tried not to look at her anymore but my eyes kept bouncing back to hers before I quickly looked away. My heart was crumbling all over again.

I walked up to the door to leave, but Thea was still standing there, grocery bags in hand. It didn't at all seem like she was planning to leave tonight; she wasn't even wearing makeup.

What the hell Luca?

Thea's eyes searched my face. I looked away. I felt the tears bubbling again. I knew how I looked.

"Louise, are you sure you're okay?"

"You don't have to worry about me," I said with a smile I didn't feel. "That's not your responsibility anymore, okay?"

Thea stared at me, her jaw fused.

"I'm sorry I intruded. I know you don't want to see me and you won't after today. This was a mistake, I'm sorry. Luca told me you wouldn't be home."

"It's not that I don't want to see you, Lou."

Lou. I didn't want her calling me that. I couldn't have her calling me that. I put up hands as if to offer some sort of buffer between us. "It's okay. You don't have to explain yourself."

We stared at each other for a moment. Thea's eyes glassed over.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"You don't have to apologize to me. You don't owe me anything. Seriously, I'll leave. I need to leave."

Thea moved aside slowly, her tired eyes following me. I leapt at the door. I grabbed the handle and twisted, but something in me paused. I turned my head slightly, looking at her from the corner of my eye. I couldn't face her head on, but I had to know, I had to know what happened if I ever had any hopes of moving on.

"Can you . . . Can you please tell me what I did wrong?"

Thea's eyes searched my face. I didn't know what she was looking for; I didn't have any answers.

"Please? Can you tell me what I did. I can't . . . This not knowing is killing me. Maybe if you told me what I did, what went wrong, then I'll be able to move on. I just need some closure. Please. Then I'll stay away. I promise. I won't come by the apartment anymore. I just need . . . something."

Thea was crying now. silently. Suffering. Always suffering in isolated silence. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Lou," she said.

"Please, please don't call me that."

Thea squeezed her eyes shut like I'd just hit her.

"Please, Thea, just tell me what I did. That's all I need."

"You didn't do anything. You're perfect."

I shook my head, but Thea continued after swallowing down what seemed like a soul-tearing sob of her own.

"Louise, you're perfect. Your family is perfect. Your life is perfect. I'm not. I'm none of these things. I don't . . . I can't . . . God. I'm in love with you. It's so all consuming. I adore you. I can't stop thinking about you and your family and this holiday. I loved every second of it. I haven't had a Christmas like that in over ten years. I tasted what it was like to have a family. It felt so good and I felt so whole." Thea paused to blink back tears and take several deep breaths. "I can't have that taken away from me. What if we stay together and in a month, six months, a year, ten years, you decided you don't want me anymore? What if you decide this isn't what you want?" Thea couldn't hold back her tears and with each word she spoke, they came down like rain. "I can't have a taste of a family only to have it ripped away. I couldn't . . . I can't live through that again. I just can't. I can't risk that for myself. I can't lose everything, not again."

I blinked. There were tears running down my cheeks too. I didn't know when I started crying.

"It's just . . . It's better this way. It's better if we don't get too involved. It's better if we just keep whatever friendship we had. It will be better for both of us. Louise, you're beautiful and wonderful and you deserve someone who isn't afraid of the future. You deserve someone who will dive headfirst with you and never look bad. I can't do that. I can't be that person for you."

Somehow, Thea talking about what we deserved snapped me from my silence stupor.

"I don't fucking care about who you think I deserve. You're pushing me away because of one stupid scenario?"

"It's not one scenario, it's many. It's all the things that could possibly go wrong in our relationship."

I laughed sardonically. "Possibly? You're worried about all the possibilities? What about what we have? What about what you said to me? You told me you loved me."

Thea swallowed and nodded. "I do love you."

"Can't that be enough?"

Thea stood there frozen and slowly, she shook her head. I looked at her and I weighed all the options in my head and the idea of losing her forever tore at my insides and made me want to scream.

"Your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet. Once you meet her you'll forget all about me," Thea promised me.

"How could I forget about you? Thea, I love you. I know you love me too."

"I know it doesn't make sense right now, but—"

"But nothing, Thea. I love you!"

"Louise, you don't understand—"

"I understand perfectly! You're scared of losing a family. You're scared of losing another family and I get that but the Thea I know has never let fear dictate her life before and I don't know why you're letting it now. What are you going to do? Fall in love over and over and over and push whoever it is away when things get too serious because you'll be scared to lose them?"

Thea shook her head. "I don't care about—I wouldn't care about someone like that. Not anymore. You're—you're it for me. I can't go through this again."

"It's just me? You're worried about losing me? My mom? My nieces?"

"This is the closest thing to a family I've had and I don't want to have to live with losing that again, Louise, even if that means being alone. It's easier for me."

"You won't! God, Thea, do you think for even a minute that if—God forbid—something went wrong in our relationship, that my family would abandon you? Forget about you?" Thea didn't speak. "And for God's sake, Thea, what are you imagining is going to go wrong? We've known each other for three years! We've seen the worst of each other already. What surprises are you expecting here? You've seen me at my worst already. You've seen me here falling apart before. You're seeing me now, absolutely broken." I shook my head. "I never would have thought you would let your own fear control you. That's not the Thea I know."

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