𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 ↠ a. hotchner

PART FOUR: DEAD RECKONING - chapter thirty-two - kiss the tears away.

Dead Reckoning
n. to find yourself bothered by someone's death more than you would have expected, as if you assumed they would always be part of the landscape, like a lighthouse you could pass by for years until the night it suddenly goes dark, leaving you with one less landmark to navigate by—still able to find your bearings, but feeling all that much more adrift.

      SHE SOLEMNLY walked through the door, tears dry and frozen on her cheeks. She hid her drippy nose with a sniffle and kicked off her slippers, locking the door behind her. Before tracing back to her room, she noticed a dim light flowing into the front room from the nursery. She took a moment to notice the sounds; quiet hums and shuffling feet on the carpet. She wanted to cry again; he was so perfect. Knowing what she would see, she trailed quietly into the nursery, softly cracking the door open further. Aaron held a softly cooing Jude in his arms, bottle in hand. She watched as he gently bounced her while he danced around her crib, unaware of her peering eyes. She recognized the tune he was singing, his favorite song to sing to her. "Hey Jude" by The Beatles, of course.
      "Was she crying," she chimed from the doorway, taking him out of his daze. His eyes met hers, glad to see her. He nodded and she approached the two, closing her in their protection. She grazed her palm across her fuzzy head, smiling as their eyes met. She let it sink in; this was her legacy now.
      "I'm sorry," she whispered, not taking her gaze off of Jude.
      "Me too," he added, doing the same. "Did you call Garcia?"
      "Mhm," she hummed, nodding. "I don't wanna talk about it yet." She swallowed her emotions. Not in front of Jude, she thought.
      "Whenever you're ready," he reassured her. He tried to connect their eyes and was met with the top of her head.
      "Hey," he called to her, getting her attention. "I love you." She pursed her lips, like she was physically unable to smile.
      "I love you," she agreed. He shared her expression and looked back to Jude, who was mindlessly sucking on her bottle, dead asleep. He slowly removed the bottle from her gentle grasp and let Ophelia take it. He bent over the side of the crib to place her in her little fortress of tiny stuffed animals and pillows. She barely moved her head, still tightly swaddled in her pink blanket. He turned to dim the light on her lamp, leaving only her crib and rocking chair visible in the dark lighting. Aaron sighed and stepped towards Ophelia, who was still holding the bottle in her nimble, cold hands. He slowly raised his hand to push her hair way from her face, allowing him to see her golden eyes glisten in the light. She didn't falter her head, she just stared into his eyes, which were barely visible. She didn't need to see him to know they were full of love.
      "Everything's gonna be okay," he whispered. This almost sent her over the edge, but instead she nodded, letting herself fall into him. She grasped his back tightly and he did the same.
      "We're gonna fight, we're gonna need to be away from eachother." She lifted her head from his chest to look at him. "No matter what, I'll always need you."
      "It's just weird knowing that I'll never meet them," she began, ending his speech. "I've always thought they were out there somewhere, looking for me, missing me." He nodded, urging her to continue.
      "It's like—" her mouth dipped and her chin started to quiver. "It's like now I know they never loved me." Tears threatened to fall, and Aaron was quick to wipe them away.
      "Aaron, they never even cared. They were awful people." Her breath quickened and her voice began to shake. He pulled her into his chest again.
      "Hey, hey, shh," he soothed as he smoothed her hair with his hand. "It's okay."
      "You see in movies where abandoned babies are reunited with their parents and they always say how they thought about them every day and they always regretted it, but—" she sobbed quietly now, muffled by his chest. "They never did."
"Baby, I'm sure they loved you." He smoothed the back of her hair. "All mothers love their children whether they realize it or not."
"Then why did she leave me?" Her eyes, still overflowing with tears, met his. He instinctively wiped away what he could again, and held her face in his hand.
"There are many reasons why a mother would abandon her child. Ethical or not, it only had to make sense to her." He brushed her hair away with his fingers. "It had nothing to do with you."
"I know, I just—"
"I know." He kissed the tears on her cheeks away, making a familiar heat rise in her face. Her shoulders fell and she let herself lean into him, who was still kissing away the wetness on her skin.
"Thank you." He pulled back and met her eyes once more.
"Always."