A conscious state

Before

I wish that I could go back to the days when I was younger. Back when I would sit on those stones and play that plastic guitar , the one that made me feel at home. I wish I could go back to singing quietly on sunny afternoons ,back when I did it for relief. Before the dream began to slip through my fingertips.

I would give anything to smile the way I did the very first time I ever wrote a song or the way I did when I had a mini concert for my mom in the tiny kitchen of our old home. I wish I could travel back into time when my heart bloomed for music and my mind didn't fade away through procrastination. I wish I could go back to the days when music became my escape ,when the thought of myself on a stage didn't make my heart crumble in distaste.

I wish I could go back to my first kiss , to the very first time I ever loved a girl. I wish I could take back the passion that those moments stole from me. I have no idea what I want or who I am or even if I am worthy enough for success. I am not great , I stutter when I rap and I stumble when I sing. There is no perfection in the art that I make.

Am I even an artist? Is this still what sets my heart ablaze? I am terrified , and I am lost. I hope that somewhere out there someone hears my cries of confusion. I pray that every dream I've had up until this point hasn't been an illusion. It is the only thing I hope I deserve in this world.

                         -Liyah Smith