Different

44.

My throat feels tight right away and I'm suddenly lacking oxygen. The familiar sickness to my stomach returns.

"It's not his fault" Austin says immediately, trying to calm me down. "Derek made him take it" he adds, regretting it instantly.

"What do you mean, made him take it?" I ask confused, leaning on to the wall with my back for a little support.

"Look, I've already said too much. It's not for me to tell. Just know that Jace didn't take it willingly. You know he doesn't drink, and he definitely doesn't take that shit anymore" Austin rambles, trying to convince me.

I'm trying to put some puzzle pieces in my head together, failing miserably. 

"I'm sick and tired of all of these stories about Derek. I want to know what's going on. What does he have over Jace?" I want to know, knowing my assumption about the two of them is right.

"Like I said, it's not for me to tell" Austin repeats himself with empathy.

I let out another big sigh. I have no idea why I didn't fall apart yet. My panic attack is so close, I feel it. 

"What did he take?" I want to know.

"Cocaine. His own he sold to Derek" Austin explains. I nod my head slowly. 

Now that I think about it, I would've preferred the drinking version. 

"He needs rest, I thinks it's best Bree and me leave. Are you going to be okay here?" Austin asks me with empathy.

The panic overcomes me, like predicted, when I think about being alone with Jace in this state. 

"Wha- what? But what do I do?" I stutter, waving my hand in front of my face, to get more air into my lungs. 

I feel like fainting any second now, overwhelmed, alert and weak at the same time.

"Whoa" Austin says. "Are you okay? Is it the panic?" he says, not sure what to do.

I nod my head another time.

"What's going on?" Bree squeals, peaking around the corner to see if I'm okay.

"Panic attack" I bring out, leaning onto the wall some more.

"Shit" Bree mutters as she storms over to me. 

She embraces me in a tight hug right away. 

"Help me" she says with her tiny arms around me, directed towards Austin.

Austin looks confused, but copies Bree right away. Together they hug me tight and I feel comfort right away. I don't want to know how weird we must look right now. Yet, I'm grateful for the two of them, especially for Bree, for remembering how to help me only from my tattoo.

"I feel better. Thank you guys" I say after a minute, steadying my breaths. 

Both of them let go of me, as I give them a half-smile. I peak inside Jace's apartment, to see that he's almost passed out on the couch.

"He's still the same, you know. Only... high. He's not dangerous or anything, if he were I wouldn't leave the two of you alone" Austin says, calming me with words once more. 

"I used to bring him home like this often, until he stopped using" he adds.

"Okay" I nod, my heart hurting when I think about Jace taking drugs regularly. "Thank you for your help. Both of you" I say, embracing the two of them again.

"No worries. Please text me if you need anything. Have a good night" Bree says, taking Austins hand, smiling at me with empathy once again.

"Yeah. And please remember what I told you, it wasn't his fault. Don't blame him for it, okay? As his best friend I have to make sure" he smirks at me slightly.

I once again half-smile at him as an answer. I can't make any promises if I don't know what's going on.

Bree gives me another wave, as her and Austin leave the hallway and make their way downstairs. I try to close the apartment door behind me quietly, trying to figure out what to do. I guess going to bed is the only correct answer in this situation. Sighing big one last time, I make my way over to the bathroom to get ready for the night.

"Don't be mad at me" Jace says quietly, as my whole body tenses.

I turn around to face him slowly, and see that his eyes are wide open. For some reason, I don't know how to talk to him. I don't think I've ever talked to a person high on cocaine. 

Austin said he's still the same, remember that Mila.

"I don't know what to feel" I admit to him, crossing my arms to give myself some comfort.

"I know" Jace answers, standing up to walk over to me. 

My body tenses even more when he touches my arm and moves closer towards me. He feels it right away, but I don't think in his state he can comprehend what's exactly going on with me. He didn't even notice I had a panic attack minutes ago.

"I didn't want to" Jace adds, directly looking at me. He's slightly slurring his words.

"So, Derek forced it down your throat, or... up your nose? That's pretty hard for me to believe" I say quietly.

"Not exactly, but..." he starts, but I interrupt him.

"I'm sick and tired of the secrecy" I remark, crossing my arms, so Jace has to back up from me slightly. 

"All night I was anxious about Jessica or other girls at the party, and then you come home high. And you won't even tell me the reason" I add quietly.

Jace sighs once more. "How about this. I'll tell you one day, alright? Just give me some time. That has to be enough for now" he adds, stroking some of my hair out of my face and behind my ear.

"You're not making much sense" I admit to him. Of course he doesn't, maybe he won't even remember anything he just said to me tomorrow. 

"You're different. I don't like it" I let him know. 

Not just the things he's saying are different than usual, but also his whole body language and, of course, his eyes. For a split second I fear that being so close to him will make me high too. I obviously know that that's not how it works, but being around a drugged up person makes me highly uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry" Jace says, avoiding my eyes. He probably knows the way they look right now.

"I think I'm just going to go to bed" I say, knowing that I have no way to get home to the dorm since Jace is high. 

Not that I'm allowed to be alone there anyway.

"Do you want me to sleep on the couch?" Jace asks me, as I enter the bathroom to get ready.

I think about it for a split second. "Yes. And no" I let him know. Of course I don't want to sleep alone, I just want him to know the ways he's making me feel right now.

When I'm ready for the night, I walk out of the bathroom to see Jace already passed out on the bed. I lay myself down next to him, praying that I can stop overthinking and get some sleep tonight. 

What a week.

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