Bathe in Color

76. Paris Wills, Age 16, October 14, 2019

"Paris? Do you want me to close the blinds?"

My head turns away from the illuminating window and focuses instead on Dr. Cole, one of the resident psychologists at Neo. Her soft, hazel eyes stare at me expectedly, and I realize she's waiting for me to answer her question. I shake my head and fidget in my seat, picking at the loose skin on my right thumb.

"Alright. Would you care to answer my first question?"

A light red blush materializes on my cheeks, a product of my embarrassment. I thought her inquiry about the blinds was her first question.

Sensing my confusion, Dr. Cole takes another approach.

"Let's try a different question then. Does this happen frequently?"

"Does what happen frequently?" I reply, unsure what she's referring to. Luckily, Dr. Cole doesn't appear irritated by my aloofness. Instead, she adopts a calm countenance. Her eyes take on a welcoming radiance and her lips curl ever so slightly. It's enough to sooth my worries surrounding our first therapy session. This past weekend gave me time to get settled into Neo and meet the other residents, although I mainly kept to myself. Aside from eating in the cafeteria, I stayed inside my room reading Pride & Prejudice and jotting down poems in the journal Nessie gave me.

"Let me clarify. Do you zone out like this frequently?"

I nod. I've spent countless hours in the vacuum, just like my mom did when she was alive.

"Yes. It started after my mom died. She passed away a little over three years ago. After I met Gray, it stopped almost completely. I thought I'd escaped it, until it came back again."

"Who's Gray? He's the one that checked you in on Friday with your aunt, correct?"

I nod and quietly reply, "Gray's my boyfriend."

Dr. Cole smiles and I soften. Even though Nessie made sure that Neo was LGBT+ friendly, I was still terrified to reveal my sexuality to Dr. Cole. I've gotten used to holding my breath and assuming the worst from everybody. The seemingly nicest person could be the most hateful, homophobic prick under their cheery smile.

"How'd you two meet?"

"He moved into the house across from mine over the summer. We became friends and," I pause, letting on a sunny smile, "fell in love. If I could, I'd fall in love with him all over again. Relive every magical moment we've shared."

"You must really love him. I can see it in your eyes. Gray's lucky to have you."

I scoff, breaking Dr. Cole's comforting smile.

"Gray would be much better off without me."

"Did Gray tell you that?"

I hesitate. Dr. Cole makes a good point, but it doesn't appease my worries.

"No. He said he loves every aspect of me."

"Then you should believe him."

Reluctantly, I nod, too exasperated to speak. If I open my mouth, I'll probably break into tears.

"Why did this conversation upset you?"

It takes me a minute to calm down and answer without crying. Eventually, I muster enough strength to respond.

"I love Gray more than anybody I've ever loved before. That's why I," I halt, the tears threatening to return, "tried to kill myself," the tears start pouring before I can stop them, and a wail overcomes my speech. Dr. Cole hands me a tissue and I blow my nose into it, washing away the anguish. In between sobs, I continue, "I thought Gray would be better off without me. And then, when I woke up in the hospital, he was waiting right there. He slept in my hospital room every night until I woke up and made me promise that I wouldn't try to kill myself again."

I barely manage to finish the last part before another rush of tears comes over me and Dr. Cole hands me a bundle of tissues to wipe them away.

"You need to trust that your boyfriend is telling the truth. From what you've told me, I think Gray wants to be there for you, and you need to let him."

I sigh, knowing Dr. Cole's right. Except, I have no idea how to put her advice into practice.

"How do I stop myself from doubting Gray?"

"For starters, don't hesitate to ask Gray to be honest with you. Receiving a vocal affirmation will ease your worries. That being said, you need to stop viewing yourself as a burden. You're a remarkable individual, Paris. You've been through so much at such a young age, much more than I ever had to go through before I turned seventeen. It's alright that you're hurting and need help. After all the trauma you've been through, it's completely understandable. But you're seeking the treatment you need. You're trying to get better, and that's fantastic!"

"But won't I always be somewhat broken? Even if I get better, I'll never be as resilient as Gray or Nessie or..."

"Paris, you're not broken. You have depression, but you're not broken. Would you call someone with the flu broken?"

"Of course not!"

"Exactly. They take medicine. They heal. With time, you'll heal too. Having depression doesn't make you broken, just like having the flu doesn't make you broken. Unfortunately, depression isn't some infection that goes away. But, soon, you'll be better equipped to handle your depression and you'll be just as resilient, if not more, than anyone else."

"I never thought about it that way."

It's true. I never did, until now. All this time, I thought depression was something that made me inferior. I considered myself a burden that Gray was too kind to shake. Yet we're all dealing with our own struggles. They don't make us broken. Rather, they mold us into our best selves. 

"I'm going to prescribe you Prozac, an antidepressant, that you'll start here at Neo. We'll monitor you closely and I expect you to be honest about your progress here. If this works, then you'll stay on it following your departure from Neo. If it doesn't work, then we'll try something else. There are plenty of options available to us, Paris. I don't want you to be discouraged."

I nod, earning an assured smile from Dr. Cole. I actually feel hopeful about these next few weeks at Neo, and I'm determined to hold onto that hope.