marriage trial \ j. jaehyun

xxx.

| 07:25 pm

+ jaehyun.

my heart dropped exactly the moment i saw a familiar face among the crowds. eyes started stinging as i watch her clap happily for me after mira and i share a kiss at the end of the wedding. when she caught my gaze, the smile on her face widens, eyes turning into crescents as she held up her hands to give me a thumbs up. blinking rapidly, i cut off our eye contact, shifted it to the girl beside me and a sudden thought pops on my mind, do i really want this?

married life with mira wasnt anything like what i've imagined. we were both busy with our works, didnt have time for each other, doesnt agree with on most things even in the smallest ones, often have misunderstandings on trivial things, dry and awkward treatment towards each otherㅡ it was disappointing.

when aera and i got 'married', it was all light and happy even though we're initially strangers, we developed the sense of comfort and trust quickly. we always find ways to talk even though the both of us are working. we had time for each other, both of us tries to adjust and understand each other's preferences on things. we always bicker because of childish reasons as much as we talk deeply about our future plans, thoughts and concerns whenever we sleep at each other's places. it was a good timeㅡclosing my eyes tightly, i heaved out a sigh. im thinking about aera again.

a year and a half went by and i still found myself often thinking about her. my mind drifts back to her every moment of every day, remembering her even on small things like seeing gummy bears, ice creams and daisies. i still look for her whenever i go to bars, grocery stores and literally all other places in the hopes of catching a glimpse of her. even making up an excuse just to go to her workplace for a couple of times just to chicken out the last seconds because i dont have enough courage to face her. i started wearing our 'wedding ring' again and even the matching bracelet i got for us. i dont have the strength to delete her photos on my phone and just compiled it to a special folder, browsing through it whenever i miss her and all the good times in the past, which happens pretty often. its all that i can do now since she's not here anymore. i let her slip away.

it wasnt a shock to any of our family members and friends when mira and i decided to file a divorce. all of us knew we're both not happy with our married life and it wouldnt change because of the fact that im still not over aera and mira fell inlove with somebody else. “im sorry for ruining everything.. our friendship, your trust.. your relationship with aera.” all i could give mira was a close-lipped smile and a nod. i mean, what else could i do? what's done is done and i guess im too late. “we were supposed to be married for real now, you know.” i laughed dryly, still not forgetting the plan aera and i once made. mira apologized again and i gave her a hug, saying its okay and just like that, we parted ways.

i didnt even feel hurt at that. leaving aera was still far more painful to do than this one. because you fell for her the hardest, idiot. it was her all along, its just that you let your stupidity get the best of you and now, you lost everything. you lost her.

it felt light to be finally free from an unhappy marriage but another thought keeps on bugging me thats why i still feel down, how about aera? how is she doing now? do i still have a chance? did she moved on already?

approaching a certain table where my friends are seated, i overheard johnny as he exclaims, “dude i swear it was her!” taeyong scoffs beside him, “you have a bad eyesight, maybe it wasnt her.” johnny then groaned in annoyance, “you're saying that like i dont personally know aera. im sure it was aera! it was her!” slowing down on my steps, the named female caught my attention as i listen to them, “so you mean aera's a mother now? since she had a baby with her when you saw her?” i swallowed hard upon hearing that, aera already has a child?  “i dont know but its not impossible. its been more than a year, so much could happen within that time.”

the thought of it keeps me awake even after a couple of days.. she already have a family of her own now. and it wasnt with me.  this may sound selfish but i really expected her to wait for me but yeah, i know i am in no position to ask her that when im the one who hurt her, left her hanging and ruined everything between us.

doing my grocery when i got off from work is really a hassle but now, standing in the middle of the store, its suddenly the best decision ive ever done. its her. she's here. my heart excitedly leaps as i look at her, just a few meters apart. aera's here. i was pulled out from my daze when she turns her head to the side, locking eye contact with me. blinking quickly, she immediately gave me a smile. “hey, its you..” i miss her smile. i miss her voice. i miss her. “yeah, uh.. how are you?” standing infront of her again within an arm reach is such a dream come true for me. “im doing fine. how about you?” the bright glow that radiates around her is a proof she's already living happily. “im good..” was all that i can answer, still stuck staring at her. never in a million years would i dare to forget her ethereal features but im looking at her now like its for the last time, just in case it would take another lifetime for us to cross paths again.

we remained standing on the middle of the aisle, not muttering a word but still holding eye contact with each other until a voice called out her name, “oh sorry.” aera mumbled, now avoiding my eyes before walking away. the thought of her walking away causes my chest to tighten as i held on the handle of my grocery cart tightly. just when she was about to take a turn, she slowly looks at me again, holding eye contact for a few seconds before finally walking away.

i felt my heart slowly shattering all the while as i watch her. her hand already held by a different guy as his other hand pushes a stroller that carries a sleeping baby. i swallowed down the lump on my throat as i reach up quickly to prevent a tear from rolling all the way down my cheek.

that could've been me.

ever since that day, i became a 'mess' as what doyoung and taeil worded. but really, its like all the energy and hope was sucked out of me, leaving me helpless and unmotivated. it dragged on for almost a month and all the guys are this near to punching me in the faceㅡ  i could tell it by the way they always trashtalk me.

another day ended and i found myself sitting on a high chair, colored strobe lights lighting the whole place as the loud music bounces within the four corners of the bar. im always here these past few weeks to the point that the bartender and bouncers knew me by my name already. i was with the guys earlier but i guess they left me given that im the only one here now.

“jaehyun my dude!!” johnny came back looking more drunk than he was earlier. he swings an arm around me before laughing hysterically, “you wouldnt believe this!!” he looks like he's on a sugar rush and drunk at the same time, “it was a false news!” my brows furrowed at what he said, what does he mean by that? “gosh, i should really stop jumping into conclusions.” johnny giggles, eyes dropping as a hiccup escapes his lips, “what do you mean?” i cant help but to let curiousity take over. johnny beams at me before letting out a loud laugh again, hands clutching his stomach before he looks at me, eyes twinkling in excitement, “i have a good news for you..”