Sasquatch to the Moon

16: Let's Talk

this one is just a teensy bit shorter than the last one so leave some comments as we go through this one too because I'm tryna pull off good communication and I'm not real sure if it's working. 

HÅKON

I bring my lips up to his head and kiss his hairline, trying to calm him down but it's useless, he's exhausted, shaking in my arms, curled up. His fingers are knotted in my shirt, holding onto me for dear life.

I hold onto him like it's the last time and the first time I'll ever be able to hold him. I hold him in a way that reminds me of all those stupid dug up skeletons of couples, left to be theorized about. I hold onto him like the world is crashing in on us. I hold onto him like someone dropped a bomb and this is the last thing I want to remember, holding him like this. I hold onto him in a way that, if they dug up our bodies in a thousand years, they wouldn't even have an excuse to say we weren't in love. 

I look down at him, my fingers brushing across the skin on his neck, his head tucked up against my chest, ear pressed hard to my sternum, listening to my heartbeat. I drag my fingers across his skin, working my arm up to cradle his head, pushing my fingers into his thick mess of hair, my breath on the crown of his head.

"Shh," I mumble. "It's okay, it's alright."

His shoulders shiver again, the shake rattling down into his whole chest.

I touch across his back, pulling the tag out of his shirt and smoothing it down away from his skin. I watch him stretch out his legs, calming down a little more, no longer gripping to me like I'm going to just fade from existence, instead letting his hands hold my sides, his lithe fingers pressing in on my waist.

I slip my hands up around his jaw, gently pressuring him to lift his head. When he does, I bend and tap my forehead to his, those deep deep forest green eyes staring back at me, bloodshot and greener from the contrast. I let my lips settle softly on the tip of his nose, then drop my head back to his forehead, swiping at his wet face with my thumbs.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, he opens his mouth to respond but I press my thumb over his warm lips. "I'm sorry I blew up at you like that, I should've talked to you, weeks ago, fuck, months ago, but, it didn't happen like that, okay. I'm sorry if I scared you, I know I'm not friendly when I'm mad. I-"

"You can't scare me." he mumbles. "You can be scary, but you're not like that."

I nod. "I mean what I say when I say I love you," I brush another tear out from under his eye, cradling his face in my hands. "I do, like nothing else. It's okay if you're not there, I get it, but I just want you to know that I love you, even when I'm mad at you and you're mad at me. And it's okay if you're not there yet, I'll go with you at your speed, I just needed you to know."

He nods, eyelashes fluttering closed. "I love you too," he whispers. "Four taps. S'what four taps has meant, at least for me, for a while."

I give his chin a little tap, making him open his eyes. "Me too." I let him stay quietly huddled up against me for another few moments, drifting in and out of his thoughts, fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.

"Can we go through this? Is that okay?" I ask, pressing my cheek to the top of his head. I need to clarify, god, all of it. I need to know what's causing stuff and what's, I don't know. I need to know more of what's going on in his head.

"Yeah," he mumbles, tightening his grip around my waist.

"So, okay," I breathe in. "Sex."

Rocket gets a little stiff, shifting away from me.

"No, no, get back here," I slip my arm around his ribs and pull him back. "If we can't talk about this there's no way in hell we can actually do it."