One-shot Compilations

Hesitations and Inhibitions

I stared at his picture in my phone with the green circle on it. Yep, he's online on messenger. I'm itching to chat him pero nag-aalinlangan ako. Nahihiya ganun and I don't want to come off as needy and clingy. Ew. Not anymore. I sighed. I'm losing my mind. He's making me lose my mind.

I stared at the beer in the table across me. Noong new year's day pa ang mga yun pero walang umiinom. If he will drink the smirnoff and me the two liters of red horse. Then he would see how aggressive I am. No, no, I shook my head. I started typing "Shaat?" "You wanna go drinking?" "Inom tayo?" "I wanna see you" "Let's drink. Bili tayo beer sa tindahan. Ahahaha." "Gusto mo pumunta sa apartment?" "Busy?"

I think I have written all of that only to erase it. Nevermind. I thought. Binaba ko ang phone ko. What if I'm reading it wrong? What if he really just wants to talk? or I am just really being horny. I swear to God, I think he's also hesitating to tell me he wants something casual.

Hindi nga ako naive at innocent. I could fucking feel the sexual tension but both of us are still on our right mind plus and daming tao kahapon. If I had drank 2 or 3 beers then I would have the guts to reasoned out to him na walang problema kung gusto niya pumunta sa apartment ko. I almost rolled my eyes when he said that he's hesitating to come over because I am a girl. Amazing! Palusot pa when his body language was very obvious he wants to sleep with me. How I wanted to tease and challenge him pero tumahimik na lang ako.  Gusto ko nga ako na lang magsabi na, "Do you want to have sex?" "I feel like you want to sleep with me" Pero siyempre dalagang Filipina pa rin ako so I will never have the guts to say something like that. Not unless, we already did it, then I won't be ashamed to say those words. Isa pa, we are both adults. Alam na naman namin kung ano ang ginagawa namin. Next time. I thought. Kapag lasing ako, alam ko mawawala ang mga inhibitions ko.

Or I really just needs to get laid or make out with someone else.  Hmm.

The cues he gives off yesterday is telling me he wants to have something casual. He knows I have feelings for him. Okay, at aaminin ko na siya ang one of the main reason kung bakit ako aalis sa kumpanya. I'm starting to like him to the point that it's beyond the attachment and attraction. It's very wrong to feel this way. It's wrong and I know he doesn't feel anything. I know. Ayokong umasa. Whenever he is friendly, katulad kahapon, hindi ko nilalagyan ng kulay. Why? Because he's like this to everyone. That's why there are a lot girls who likes him too. Liking him is exhausting and I don't want to be part of those crazy girls who likes him sa office. Isa pa, Harry is bugging me to resign. He already insisted on his supervisor again to be back on the office kahit na eligible pa siyang magtrabaho sa bahay nila. It's also pressuring me since I have given my word to him that I will resign at babalik na sa dati kong pinagtatrabahuan. I know I have to do it for me too. Paano ko sasabihin sa kaniya na nag-aalinlangan na ako? Na nag-uusap pa kami ni Erland after I have promised him that I won't anymore.

Ugh, I hate Erland. I hate how much he could affect me. I hate how easily swayed I am. I hate how I couldn't resist him when I had already promised myself na hindi ko na siya kakausapin pa. Na lalayo na talaga ako. That there's this alarm in my mind that is saying I should run away at hindi na magparamdam sa kaniya. Yes, by resigning I am indeed running away.  I am so into him. Kaya habang kaya ko pa lalayo na ako. He could never reciprocate the attraction I feel towards him. This isn't love still. No, I know I am far from that but I can't explain what I feel towards him and that's making me feel crazy. Am I lusting towards him? I can't get him off my mind. I feel like an obsess horny woman. Ugh! So disgusting. Fuck! I swear. Hindi ako ganito sa ibang lalaki. Hindi talaga but with Erland. He's making me desire him. Like, he's awakening something in me that should be buried right now. Sex. He's making my naughty side resurfaced. There's something in him I cannot explain. Hindi ko alam, he's a seduction for me and here they thought, I was the one seducing him. I didn't. It's the other way around. I'm seduced by him and it is clouding my mind. I just hope this is all lust.