tangled up in blue

27

bon iver- re: stacks

That night, there was no Jace stumbling into my room at 3am. I slept alone, but my sheets still smelled like him. I couldn't stop myself from recreating our fight in my head and all the hurtful things he'd said. All the hurtful things I'd said- even if they were true, that wasn't me. I had wanted to hurt him like he hurt me, and yet I didn't feel satisfied. I just felt lonely, lying awake in a bed that no longer felt like my own.

I remembered the way Enzo tasted, and the way when we'd moved to the couch I'd straddled his lap and kissed him until I forgot who I was really thinking about. I'd thought about how much I hated Jace as I let Enzo swirl his tongue over my neck, and then when he moved down to my chest, I realised that most of all, I just hated me.

I had to bury my face in the pillow Jace used to sleep on to keep myself from sobbing out loud. He was just a wall away, probably never wanting to see me again. This was supposed to be who we were with each other. Distant. Spiteful. Angry. This was right. And yet, I'd never been more alone. My family were gone, my friends would be happier without me, and the person only a few meters from my room could have been worlds apart and I would have never been able to tell the difference. He was light years from earth, and I was a satellite unable to wrench itself out of orbit.

The next few days carried on like that. We didn't speak when Jace was in the house, but he was usually leaving on his motorbike without a helmet and coming back red eyed. I didn't know where he went to be alone, but I assumed it wasn't good. I imagined him driving down the highway at night as fast as he could go, to tempt death while still trying to feel alive. I wanted to know him, but I didn't think anyone really did. His family watched on helplessly as he got angrier and colder and turned away from everyone that wanted to love him. How was it, that we could go from laughing together in bed late at night and sitting together by a fireplace, to being strangers all over again? Lee kept asking me why we were being even weirder than usual, and I just told him we weren't talking. It was an understatement, seeing as how every time I caught Jace's eye when he actually happened to be around, he looked away like he'd been burned. I was meant to be the victim, and yet I just felt guilt.

On the fourth day of silence, I opened the door to our bathroom thinking I would be alone. I saw Jace, hunched over the white sink and bleeding from his nose.

"Jesus Christ," I breathed in concern in the doorway. "What happ-"

"Get the fuck out," he almost yelled before slamming the door in my face. I flinched and tears sprang to my eyes as I rested my forehead against the cool wood. I wanted to go back in there and cup his face in my hands and kiss the pain away, and I had no fucking idea why. I had been convinced that all he did was break me, but in reality, he'd always been the one to put me back together. And now he was dripping blood, probably from another fight, which clearly meant he wasn't doing well. Fuck. Maybe he was the broken one, and I'd been pulling him apart bit by bit just to strengthen the cracks in my own china heart.

me: did i do this? i feel like he needs help, enzo

enzo: You did nothing wrong, okay? He's the asshole who kicked off at you for no reason. Remember everything he said to you.

me: yeah but i said things too, really bad things.

enzo: So? You said what he needed to hear. He can't keep hurting people and getting away with it.

I frowned at my phone screen as I lay sprawled out in the living room on the same couch I'd been with Enzo. It was also the same couch where a few weeks ago, I'd been watching The Perks of Being A Wallflower when Jace came in and soundlessly sat down next to me. We said nothing, just accepted each other's company for what it was. When I looked at him as the credits started to roll, there were tears in his eyes. He left without a word, but I had a feeling it was important somehow. And we'd ruined it.