heavenly ✓

𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 30

♡︎𝚘𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚊'𝚜 𝚙𝚘𝚟♡︎

For the first time in a while, i have given myself to unpack my wings. Just because he chose the sweetest words to get my heart and the most poisonous actions to break it, doesn't mean i can't put the pieces back together. i didn't wait around for some glue boy to come around.

I worked on me. i found love for myself again. i found confidence that i don't feel the need to compete. i fell in love with every single breath i took, with each freckle on my skin, and my messy hair that may be thin.

But i still think about him...

it's been a really long time. I even went again to our town on Christmas few months ago praying that i don't see him , somehow my prayers worked. But i was still disappointed. i still wanted to see him. to take a look at him and see how he had been. is he happy after all he'd put me through?.. he never even reached out.. my thumb hovered above the send bottom so many times that i can't count, but i never could send the message.

He once said that if it's meant to be, fate will bring us back together. for a second i wondered if he really
believed fate worked like that. As if it lived in the sky staring down at us. As if it was not already with us.

I wonder if he ever sat in his bed, trying to muffle his sobs thinking about me, imagining my eyes staring right back at him, mirrors of his own, just as broken. But what broke mine more was the fact that he doesn't. that i fucking miss him all day, everyday and you can't even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel because I don't even know if he misses me back.

i sighed shaking my head again, trying to forget everything and focus on my studies. I've been doing that a lot lately. i go directly into my thoughts everytime i get tired.

So i decided to take a break from everything and call both my bestfriends, but then they're always together, so i pressed on Elodie's contact.

"helloooo biotchhh" she screamed.

"i think i'm deaf now" i removed the phone from my ear.

"i missed you boo" i could imagine her giving puppy eyes.

"babe stop pouting or i'd kiss it away" came lucas's voice. "who are you talking to anyway?"

"doctor ophelia" she laughed.

" till next week Elodie..." i sighed.

"yeah i know the exam results are next week, but i believe in you. you're not failing ophelia!"

"maybe... but this last test is killing me" i groaned.

"are you transforming into a dinosaur? you groan too much lately"
asked Lucas.

"i haven't had a proper break since forever so don't make me go carnivore on you"

"daddy chillll. you were the one deciding to start your college year in the summer" he threw back.

"you know i needed a distraction to not drown in my thoughts...that's how I cope " i took a deep breath "how is he?"

"there's a storm here" he mumbled

"sooo...?"

"you always said you loved the rain, now he never sleeps through storms, they remind him of you"

"he chose her lucas.."i whispered.

"i fucking know." he replied sadly.

"anywayyyyy guess who's coming to your graduation next month?" squealed Elodie.

"skye?" i was realllyyy hoping they would bring her with them.

"yes with your parents and Eros. Also me and lucass!!!!" Damn eros really got some money to bring my doggo with him. damn him, rich guy.

"jeeez woman no need to scream"

"so how's life's been?" she continued.

"mehh fine. i just knew yesterday that lily is planning on moving to New York after her own graduation next year!!!" lily was the only friend i made here in France, knowing that i was only staying a year, i didn't want to get attached.

"oh my God, that's amazinggg!! just don't brag your French on us" she whispered the last part.

"Qu'est-ce que tu as dit?"
{translation : what did you say?}

"fucking hell ophhh!!!" she whined as i laughed.

"i dropped my croissant" said Lucas in a extremely bad French accent.

"how's your lawyer-ing and lucas's studying going?" i asked.

"it's been all good. Lucas still have about five month to graduate. and unlike you, he has a proper graduation party with all the seniors."

"Elodie i have a graduating party!"

"it's basically a vacation in France for your family and friends. and the graduating party is probably a night out or something"

"i don't like graduations anymore"

"i shouldn't be laughing" she said.

"neither of us should be" i laughed with her.

"oh crap! Lucas set the kitchen on fire since he wanted to cook.. i have to go! bye oph!!" and with that she hung up.

I went back to studying for about three more hours and I was done. both done with studying and done with myself. exhausted was an understandment.

I took a long hot shower and went in straight to bed wondering about my life and how it had become.

I tried to change, didn't i? close my mouth more, tried to be softer, prettier, less volatile, less awake... you can't make homes out of human beings. Someone should have already told you that. And if someone wants to leave, then let him leave. You are terrifying and strange,and beautiful. Something not everyone knows how to love.

Because at the end of the day, i just want to be proud of the person i have become. I want to be proud of the love i gave- of the way in which i risked my heart despite the things that it had been through.

I want to be proud of the effort i showed to those i care about, i want to know with a ruthless certainty that i showed up as much as i could, that i made people feel seen, that i made those around me feel less alone in this chaotic world.

I want to be proud of my life- of the way i healed, of the way i made mistakes and learned from them, of the way i felt everything even when it wasn't convenient or comfortable. I want to be proud of the way i grew, of the way i let go, of the way i pushed myself to be a better person.

At the end of the day I just want to be able to say without hesitation that i lived my life, that i did not take a back seat to my fears, or to my flaws or to whatever hardships that came my way. I want to be able to say that i'm proud of the way i survived. I want to be able to say that i did not take any day for granted. that i truly gave it my all.. even when you were roaming inside my head every single day.

Because at the end of the day, all i ever wanted was the effort that I gave.

_______________________________________

𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭, 𝐯𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧♡︎