16th

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I cringe when I felt that weird feeling ng gumalaw ang baby na nasa tiyan ko. It has a subtle hint of pain and it worries me.

"Okay ka lang, Ella?" Ally, my closest cousin asked.

"Oo, masakit lang yung likod ko," I lied, trying to hide the pain. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at nagtext sa nobyo ko.

I feel like I'm in labor. I texted.

He didn't reply immediately. Our relationship right now is on the rocks. I thought kakayanin namin ang long distance relationship pero hindi. He has a woman in Cebu. I know pero tanggap ko. I thought that maybe he's just lonely there. Maybe he just wants some companion. Yes, it hurts. It hurts so much to know that I was not enough for him but I love him so much that I plan to suck up all the pain just to let him stay. I would rather be hurting than to see him leave me and go. Ganyan ko siya kamahal. Just the mere thought of all the sacrifices I have made for him to go in drain terrifies me.

Sabihin mo sa auntie mo. He texted. I sighed.

Do you have any money? Five hundred pesos lang ang pera ko. I texted back.

Pasensiya na. Wala akong pera. Sa susunod na linggo pa ang sweldo namin.  He said. I sighed again. I was becoming upset. I bit my lower lip ng maramdaman ko na naman ang paggalaw ng baby ko. Delivering a baby is not as hard as being on labor and having contractions. Imagine a normal stomachache multiplied by a hundred times. That's how painful it is. Pakiramdam mo matatanggal ang likod mo sa sakit.

Baby, pwede bang next week na lang please? Kapag may pera na si papa. I thought as I was stroking my stomach to lessen up the pain.

Nahihiya ako sa auntie ko at lalong-lalo na sa mama ko. I disappointed her so much for the last couple years. She has always been there for me. Hindi niya ako iniwan kahit na tinalikuran na ako ng lahat. Although, yes, she was angry but she never turn her back away from me... from us.

I want us to at least pay for the hospital bill this time but my boyfriend, Chris, only gave me five hundred pesos that I was trying to save since last month. Hindi na ito nagpadala pa ng pera kasi nga gipit rin daw ito.

Gipit siguro sa pambababae. My mind tells me. I shook my head. This is not the time to be negative. Pumikit ako when I felt another contraction.

"Ma, you okay?" my eldest son asked when he saw I was on pain. Lumapit siya sa akin.

"Yes, I'm okay baby," sabi ko sa kaniya at hinalikan siya. He speaks English. Sinanay ko kasi siya kahit na baby pa siya.

Baby ko, please, baby next week na lang. I selfishly prayed. It was like that all morning and afternoon. I was on labor but hindi ko maamin sa kanila. I was trying to hide the pain kahit na namumutla na ako. I don't want to give birth today. It's our town's fiesta. My auntie should be celebrating hindi ang mag-alala sa akin.

When evening came, hindi ko na matiis ang sakit. I feel like I will passed out any minute sa sobrang sakit ng pagle-labor ko.

They contacted my mom. The plan was to just give birth in the community center which will give us a huge discount but to my dismay things didn't go the way I wanted it to be.

"Mataas pa rin ang blood pressure mo hija," the midwife said.

"Baka kinakabahan lang," my mama said. I was trying to calm myself.

"We already tried five times misis. Delikado ang manganak na mataas ang blood pressure. Kailangan namin siyang i-refer sa hospital," the midwife said. Naalarma ako. The thought of paying a few thousands scared me. Hindi kakayanin ng budget namin.

"Miss, just give me one more chance. Kinakabahan lang kasi ako," sabi ko sa kaniya. They explained to me why I may need to be induced since mahihirapan akong iluwal ang baby ko kapag hindi bababa ang high blood pressure ko. It didn't help the fact that for the past few months that I visited the doctor I was anemic.

After a few minutes, they got my blood pressure again but it was still the same. I want to cry. I never felt so sorry for my mom.

"Ilan ang pera mo diyan?" my mother asked.

"Ma, five hundred pesos lang," I apologetically said at inabot sa kaniya ang perang tinatago ko.

"Ito lang? Tinawagan mo ba si Chris?" tanong niya sa akin.

"Yes, ma," sabi ko.

"Anong sabi?" tanong ni mama.

"He will find a way daw," I lied. I can't seem to tell her the truth. It was dawn already of the 16th. It's the festival of Sr. Sto. Niño.

I tried calling Chris while I was riding the ambulance going to the city hospital. He didn't answer. I did not stop there, I texted him.

Chris, love. May mahihiraman ka ba diyan ng pera? Kahit three thousand lang. Nakakahiya kay mama kung siya pa ang gagasto ng pampaospital ko. I texted but no reply.

When I was in the hospital I was rushed in the emergency room. Mas lumiliit na ang interval ng contraction ko and they need to induced me. My mom looked at me worriedly. I saw how she looked away when I was injected on both sides of my waist. It's not a regular injection. It was that big, extra large ones. After that my body feels like it's on fire. Like my body was burning. I was becoming tired but my contractions were killing me. It was so painful. I just want the pain to end. Hindi ko na kaya but I thought of my unborn child. I can't give up.

I don't know what time it was but I was already in the delivery room when my phone rang. It was Chris.

"H-Hello?" I said. "Have you got the money?"

I heard him sigh.

"Wala akong pagkakautangan dito, Ella," he said. My heart broke. I was frustrated. Masakit ang likod ko. Masakit ang contractions ko. Pakiramdam ko sinusunog ang katawan ko. I disappointed my mom and all he says is that wala siyang pagkakautangan!

"C-Chris naman eh," I said. My voice cracking. Natahimik ito.

"I'm sorry," sabi niya. Your sorry does not do anything right now! I wanted to say but I didn't.

"Chris, kahit sino na lang or even five hundred pesos will do. Please, Chris. Nagmamakaawa ako sa'yo. Nahihiya na ako kay mama. Gumawa ka naman ng paraan oh," I plead desperately. For the past few years of us being together he did not hear me complain anything about money because I don't want him to feel less of a man. Na kung kulang kami ng pera I was always the one who look for a way. I sell some drawings. I sell food. I write essays and paragraphs. I do that for us pero kahit kailan hindi ko siya prinessure but not this time. I need him to be a man for me. Just this once!

"Pasensiya na talaga," he said. His voice breaking. I can't help but cry.

"C-Chris naman. Kahit isang taon ka pang hindi magpadala ng pera. I am okay with that. Please, kahit five hundred lang ulit. Maipakita mo lang kay mama na responsable ka," sabi ko sa kaniya. The truth is if he will give us money this time then my mom will not voice out her disapproval towards him.

Oo, kahit na ganito ang sitwasyon. Si Chris pa rin ang iniisip ko. Ganyan ko siya kamahal. Kahit wala ng matira para sa akin. Kahit na ako lang yung nagsasacrifice. Okay lang kasi mahal na mahal na mahal ko siya. More than my life. More than anything else. He was my world.

"Pasensiya na," he said. Nanghihina na pinatay ko ang tawag. I love him but you see sometimes gusto ko na resourceful siya. Na sana magka guts man lang siyang humanap ng means. Hindi para sa kaniya kundi para sa amin kasi ako kung kaya ko lang ngayon, I would do anything to have some money. I could sell my body and soul so just I could save his face for my family pero siya. Wala. Palagi na lang. Sorry. Walang katapusang sorry. Pa-awa effect. Pasensiya na. Anong gagawin ko sa pasensiya na 'yan? Anong gagawin ko sa sorry niya na hindi kami mapapakain? Anong gagawin ko sa mga pa-awa effect na ginagawa niya when my family hates him so much it was hurting me too? Why am I making so much sacrifices for him when he won't even do this much for me? Nagkulang ba ako? Hindi naman diba? I love him so much I am willing to follow him anywhere blindly. I always thought that in a relationship all you need to have was love but that's not the case. It's far more than that.

I gave birth that day to a healthy baby boy. I haven't even thought of a name yet. I asked my mother to give my child a name. She called him Joseph Niño. I said I will nickname him Aizee.

"Wala ba talagang pera si Chris?" tanong ni mama.

"Ma, pasensiya na," I said as I was breastfeeding my baby. Guilt washed over me.

"Tell him to go home at alagaan kayo. I will take care of the bills. Kahit iyon man lang gawin niya para sa'yo," sabi ni mama. Tumango ako sa kaniya. When she went out with my son para magpa newborn screening, I called Chris.

"How's it? Kumusta ang baby? Is he alright? Can you send pictures?" he said.

"I will. Love..." panimula ko. "Gusto kang pauwiin ni mama. She wants you to take care of us muna kasi may gagawin pa siya."

"I can't face your mom. Sigurado akong may sasabihin na naman siya sa akin!" he cowardly said.

"Love naman. Please understand na magagalit talaga sila," I said. He sighed.

"Your parents never gave me a chance," sabi niya. You never showed them you are responsible enough. I want to say pero hindi ko masabi. "Wala akong pera love."

"Love naman eh," sabi ko sa kaniya. He haven't even tried to look for any means yet. I tried my hardest not to cry but I can't suppress what I feel anymore.

"Love, pasensiya na talaga," he said. I cried, in the phone, while he was listening to me. Wala siyang narinig kundi ang mga hikbi ko lang sa telepono.

"Bakit ganito, C-Chris?" sabi ko sa kaniya. "A-Alam kong may babae ka diyan pero pwede bang ngayon lang naman umuwi ka? My parents doesn't know yet. You never heard me ask you for anything, ngayon lang. Please. Umuwi ka muna ngayon. I never ask for material things sa'yo. I am contented on what you can give me. You never heard me complain or nag but please. Please. I need you here with me right now. Your children needs you. Hindi 'to kaya namin ni mama. Please."

"I don't have any money for my fare!" he said. Natahimik ako. Tumango-tango kahit na hindi naman niya ako nakikita.

"Kahit man lang sa mga kaibigan mo or sa mga kapatid mo? Hindi mo ba kayang lunukin ang pride mo at manghiram ng pera?" I said.

"Ella naman," sabi niya. "Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto mong gawin ko. Wala nga akong pera!!"

"It's not about the money! I just need your presence here! Maipakita mo lang sa mama ko na you care! Chris naman. I am still doing this for you. I don't want my mom to hate you for not being here!" I said.

"Edi let your parents hate me!" sabi naman niya. "They don't like me in the first place so why bother!"

"Anong sinabi mo?" inis na sabi ko sa kaniya. Napapalitan ng inis ang nararamdaman ng puso ko.

"Wala nga akong pera ngayon!" he said.

"But you have a money to spend with your woman!" I said. Natahimik ito. "It's not about the money, Chris. My mom can pay for it. It's about you at least showing them that you are responsible enough for us! You are eight years older than me pero hindi mo ba pa rin nagegets kung ano ang pinupunto ko?! I am trying not to step on your ego, okay? Pero it seems like you are not getting my point!"

"They brainwashed you!" sabi niya. I was surprised. Hindi niya talaga magets ang pinupunto ko eh.

"C-Chris naman!" I cried so hard that day. I was not able to tell my mom about it. Nahihiya ako. Naguiguilty. I broke up with him but of course we also get back together. I can't be mad at him for so long. Ganun naman ako eh. Konting lambing bumibigay na ako agad. I can't seem to get mad with the people I love.

That's how the relationship started to get toxic. He knows I can't leave him. He knows that I was so in love with him. He knows that he was my life. Yes, that's true but what he didn't realized was that I am only human. I also get tired and have my limitations. We broke up a year after.

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