Under the influence

Chaos

One can only heal when all the walls have been broken , when trauma has been addressed and healthily dealt with. I want to heal , trust me I do ,but not in an environment that will further break me and project it's sickness onto me.

Not in an environment with people so hurt that they will twist my pain , and turn it into something it is not. Not in an environment that will turn around and use my hurt against me. I want to feel safe when breaking ,I want to be held with reassurance that , that rare moment of vulnerability Won't be tainted in the future by anger , bitterness and hate. When I break I want to be seen.

I want to be seen for all my imperfection and all my hurt , and I want them to know that carrying this weight almost destroyed me , because to some extent it did. I feel this deep sense of loneliness , this void in my chest that comes from carrying all this hurt and I am trying my best not to be consumed by it. I have come to the daunting realisation that no one in my life actually knows who I am ,and this isn't some flare of dramatics ,this isn't me seeking for attention.

This is me finally acknowledging that the people I call my family and friends know absolutely nothing about me ,it is the acknowledgement that even if they did I have no doubt that they wouldn't know what to say.

And I think that hurts the most. When I break ,I want it to be because I need to put the pieces back together in a new transformation. I want to feel safe , I want to feel purely loved ,I want to feel like someone actually gives a fuck.

 
                       -Liyah Smith

A/N: 0kay so i have no idea what this is , thus the reason I titled it chaos. I literally just threw my thoughts in one ball of absolute chaos and I apologize if it sucks.