Part 8

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Nat walks with me to the training room. She said it can help me "take my mind off of it" I didn't have any better ideas so here we are. We train for a bit and it actually helps distract me, until Nat is called for a mission and I have to get on coms.

We rushed out of the training room, Nat towards the jet that landed outside, me towards my office. I sit down in my chair, turn on all my computers, and put in my earpiece.

*On coms*

Nat-What's the problem?

Steve-HYDRA hacked into a database downtown, we need to stop them and find out what they want.

"Vanessa, you there?" Nat asks over coms.

"Yes, I'm ready. What do you need?" I respond.

"Get into the SHIELD database and find out what has been hacked." She orders.

"On it," I assure Nat.

"Ok, I'm engaging. Keep me updated." Nat says to me, Steve, and Tony over coms.

"Copy" Responds Steve. I forgot he could hear me. I continue going through the database, searching for anything hacked. Bingo.

"Ok, HYDRA hacked into the employee information database," I report to the team. I hear some grunts and sounds of fighting on the other end.

"Ok, so they are looking for someone. If you catch any HYDRA agents question them first." Orders Steve to the rest of the team.

"Copy that." Both Nat and Tony responded.

After an hour Tony, Nat, and Steve come back to the compound, having finished taking care of HYDRA. I am sitting in the meeting room when they walk in. Nat comes in, giving me a friendly smile and sitting next to me. Tony sits at the end of the table, hands folded in a serious manner. Steve comes in last. I try to avoid looking at him as he sits down across from me. I look over to Tony, waiting for him to speak. I can feel Steve's gaze hover on me for a bit before he looks at Tony.

"Ok, so what we know is that HYDRA was looking for someone in SHIELD's employee information database. We were able to stop the people, but the hackers could have gotten away with something." Tony briefs the rest of the team. I open my laptop and look at SHIELD's database that I hacked into earlier. I examine the lists of people and search for any irregular activity.

"It doesn't look like anything was stolen or erased. They could have copied something and just left." I report, scrolling back to the top of the list.

"Ok. The most we can do right now is keep a close eye on the employees, check out and check-in times, along with any suspicious activity on the database." Stark orders. We all nod. Tony gets up along with Nat and they exit the meeting room. I'm still focused on my computer, searching for any possible clue or dead giveaway. 

I hear another chair move and I look up. I thought everyone left already. My gaze meets Steve's. He seems to be thinking about something. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. His eyes tell me he is unsure what to say to me. I don't know what to say to him either so I just look back down at my computer and wait till I hear the door to the meeting room close, before I let out a deep exhale in relief.

*****

A week since HYDRA infiltrated the SHIELD database and nothing new has surfaced. I constantly check my computer for anything new, reloading the page at least once every hour. Nothing new, nothing. Not even a little activity by HYDRA, nothing for a whole week. something about this does not feel right. And I can't help but think this could have something to do with me.

I've also been doing my best to avoid Steve. I have been spending most of my time with Nat. I also met Wanda, which led to some girl talks or whatever people call them. It's new to me, the concept of friends. I've only ever had one friend before, Ava, and that didn't end well. Other than Ava I have never trusted anybody else like that until I met Nat and now Wanda.

I've gotten the chance to meet Vision, he's nice it's just hard to connect with him. He is so...complex and at times confusing to talk to.

I've found that Thor is quite an enjoyable presence to be around. He isn't around that much, but when he is it is fun to explain Earth things to him. Plus his reaction to new things is priceless.

Other than the new people, Nat has been continuing to train me. Now that she knows about my past I am able to actually show her what I can do. I find time training together peaceful. Normally people don't think of working out and fighting to be peaceful. But for me, it's all I've ever known. I guess it just brings a sense of comfort that it is something in my life I can control.

When I fight Nat and occasionally Wanda, I feel exhilarated, I feel...like me. I'm able to start using my powers again around Nat and Wanda. They are the only two people I have told. I trust them. Trust is a new thing for me, rare, but I've somehow found it in them and I like it.

Thankfully Steve hasn't told Tony or anyone about me being a Black Widow.

Steve...

Even though I've been ignoring him for a week since the kiss, it still hurts to have to push him away. I rarely see him but when I do he looks at me so hurt, so sad, so confused. It breaks my heart. I really like him, I do. That's exactly why I can't be with him. He cares about me, and everyone who has ever cared about me that much...is dead.

Truth is, I care about him too, that just makes it so much harder to stay away from him. He has been so sweet and kind and understanding. I just can't hurt him. I can't add his name to the long list of people that are hurt because of me. 

It's not for me. I'm used to the pain, I expect pain. It's when I see others feel that pain that has led me to the decision to never let anyone care that much about me anymore.

So I continue to avoid him, ignore his stares, walking past him without looking at his face. I push down any feelings I might have towards him because I know it can only end in pain.

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