Forgotten Ghost | Natasha Romanoff

Chapter 68: The Past Always Comes Back To Haunt You

Katya had picked up an old skill. Not a hobby, a skill, something she had been taught the same way she was taught to shoot a gun, to kill a man: ballet.

It had started somewhere over the past year when she needed distraction. Something to take her mind off things. She found that in the music, she could lose herself. In the fluent and elegant movements, her body relaxed and danced away all the stress.

It had been a threshold to buy new ballet shoes, to shove some of the equipment in the gym to the side to create space in front of the wall-length mirror. It had taken immense bravery to wrap the shoes around her feet and force herself up on her toes. They had protested, sure, but she knew exactly how to ignore them.

When the soft music in her earphones had started, she had expected to cry, crumble or at least get a sick feeling in her stomach. But instead her muscles had relaxed and no flashbacks came. 

Carefully, she had started with some more basic exercises to get her back in the flow, but pretty soon she found herself remembering old choreography and turned in her spot. Her muscles had hurt the following day. They hadn't been used like this in a while. 

More and more time she spent in front of that mirror. It had become an indicator of how stressful she was. Natasha almost cried the first time she had seen her dance. All she could see was young Katariina on the worn wooden floor in the Red Room. To overcome your demons and past like that took a lot of bravery.

When Katya followed Natasha up those stairs, she wished she was back in that gym, the soft music in her ears. Dance away the stress of this day. 

Their journey through the compound ended -not surprisingly- in their own apartment, away from eavesdroppers like Stark. As soon as the door fell into the lock behind them, Katya started. ''Nat-''

''No, I would like to speak first. Please.'' The redhead sat down on the couch, mentally exhausted. Katya's heart hurt upon seeing her this way and she gestured for her to go ahead. Natasha sighed, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees. ''I understand where you're coming from, I do. And I agree with Steve. We need to get places as quickly as possible without waiting for the go-ahead, but I also see Rhodey's point.'' 

Katya paced back and forth on the other side of the coffee table, chewing on her thumbnail.

''Lagos was bad and it wasn't the first time innocent people have died because of our carelessness. You and I, we perceive death differently. We've almost become numb to killing, but others haven't and we need to hear them. They don't trust us anymore, Kat. We have made mistakes and we need to take responsibility.''

Her green eyes followed Katya through the room. Her body language was clear to read. She was stressed and hated all of it. ''I know, Nat. I know. But I don't believe signing the Accords is the right way to make up for that.'' The brunette stopped and sunk down on the couch next to her fiancée, running her hands over her face. ''I can't ever be owned by an organization again. HYDRA, SHIELD, you know how it ended. I can't- I can't go through that again. For the first time in my life, I own myself.''

Natasha laid a hand on Katya's knee. The tone of the conversation was calm, better than she had hoped for. ''I understand that and I think that is a solid reason not to sign. People will understand if you choose to retire. They know your past. But please consider it.''

Shaking her head, Katya lowered her eyes to the ground, looking for answers there. ''You can't change my mind anymore. I'm not going to. How could I sign knowing Wanda will be confined to the compound? How can I sign after what Ross said to me?'' She looked up, her blue eyes meeting patient green. ''What other people thought of me was all I cared about, but now I realize that's not true anymore. What I believe and what I think of myself matters most. Let them talk, but I stand behind every decision we have made as a team.''