sparky // a padawan story

chapter 36. reparations.

The only person I've spoken to since I talked to the Council is Anakin.
He's just as angry as me, and our tempers put together into one... let's just say that's a force to be reckoned with.
I stand next to him, Ahsoka on his other side, around a holotable with some of the Council members, discussing the security measures we're going to be taking for the Chancellor's visit to Naboo for the Festival of Light.
"As you can see, we've mapped the Chancellor's route to and from the festival stage. We know where he'll be at every moment from the time we land on Naboo," Master Windu says.
"What security measures are in place?" Master Plo questions.
Master Windu presses a button on the table, zooming in on the holomap. "The Naboo Royal Guard will have armed sentries at all entry points on the palace. And the stage itself will be sealed off by a ray shield for the duration of the event."
"I see nothing here we have to worry about," Anakin states firmly.
"With complacency come vulnerability," Master Yoda tells Anakin. "Yes... it is what we do not see that concerns me. A long time to plan his attack, Count Dooku has."
"Yes. We thought we'd have an advantage with Obi-Wan on the inside," Master Windu says. "But we've had no communication from him in days."
I instinctively become defensive of my master. "Obi-Wan will do his part," I snap, eyes narrowing at Master Windu.
"Let's make sure we do ours," Anakin adds as he points his finger, also frustrated with Windu. He turns and leaves, earning a concerned look from Ahsoka. She then looks worriedly at me. I huff and leave the room.
"Arlo, wait!" Ahsoka calls as she jogs after me. She grabs my arm to stop me.
"What?" I question angrily. She flinches at my tone, and I automatically feel horrible. "Kriff, Soka, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lash out on you."
"It's okay, Arlo, I understand. But you need to calm down. You and Anakin have me really worried. Your tempers are shorter than usual, and you both seem really on edge."
"How can I not be on edge?"
"I get that Obi-Wan's mission is dangerous, but—"
"It's hardly even about the mission. It's about that they lied. Don't you get how messed up this is? Ahsoka, we're still kids. They let me think that my father figure, the person closest to me, the one who's been through it all right by my side, was dead. And then I come to find out that it was his idea in the first place."
"I know it's messed up, but we have to trust him, and trust the Council."
"I don't know who to trust."
"Arlo... what are you trying to say?"
"I'm saying I might leave."
"Like... as in leave the Order?"
"Yeah."
"Arlo, this isn't like you. At all. You're loyal to a T to the Order. I know they broke your trust in them, but you can't just abandon everything because of it. That's not the Arlo I know."
"I hardly even know who I am anymore, Ahsoka. I'm questioning everything, what I've come to know, what I really believe."
"I want to help you, Arlo, believe me, but I think this is something you should confide in Obi-Wan about. I can pretend like you didn't even say anything about this if you want me to. And I know you feel betrayed by him right now, but I just think you need someone a bit wiser than me to help guide you. He still wants and knows what's best for you, Arlo, he really does." She pats my shoulder and then walks after Anakin, leaving me alone in the long hallway.
—
Our ship lands on Naboo, and Anakin, Ahsoka, Master Windu, and I follow the Chancellor and his shock trooper guards out of the ship. We approach the Queen of Naboo, who stands by Padmé, Senator Organa, and guards.
"Greetings, Your Majesty," the Chancellor greets the Queen. She bows.
"Welcome home, Chancellor," Padmé says. "I'm thankful to the Jedi for bringing you here safely."
"Yes, Senator. It's good to be back," the Chancellor replies. "Although I think the amount of security that has accompanied me is overkill."
"With all due respect, Chancellor, where your safety is concerned, there is no such thing as overkill," Master Windu says.
"So you keep saying, Master Jedi, but I've grown tired of discussing it," the Chancellor tells him as he walks away, followed closely us and the rest of his entourage. Anakin, Ahsoka, and I walk in the back, and Padmé lags behind to speak to us.
"Anakin, Ahsoka, Arlo, welcome to the festival," she says.
"I've never seen the Festival of Light," Ahsoka says as she gazes in awe at the scenery from beside me. "Sounds like a big event."
"They're expecting a large crowd," Anakin tells us, "which means it will be difficult for Dooku to attack during the ceremony. That leaves the palace as the best opportunity for an ambush."
"Are you certain that an attack is imminent?" Padmé questions.
"I'm afraid so," Anakin answers. "Which is why I'm making Ahsoka and Arlo your personal bodyguards."
"At your service, my lady," Ahsoka says with a smile. I nod in agreement.
"If there's trouble, they'll get you, the Queen, and the rest of your staff to safety," Anakin tells Padmé.
"What about you?" Padmé asks, concern lining her voice.
"Hopefully, I'll be where I always am," Anakin says.
"He means saving the day," Ahsoka mutters with a chuckle.
Padmé laughs. "Of course he does."
—
Night has fallen, and the Chancellor processes out to the ceremony followed by his guards and staff. Ahsoka and I sit with Padmé, the Queen, and others. The ray shield around the Chancellor is activated, forming a blue bubble around him and us in the audience. The Chancellor walks up to the podium and addresses the crowd.
"It is an honor to be here for this momentous occasion," the Chancellor begins. "The pride I feel for this planet cannot be put into words. 847 years ago, Naboo joined the Republic. And tonight, we celebrate that union." The crowd applauds at his words. "Take a moment and look around this glorious city of yours. It wasn't long ago this was all plasma mines. Naboo has indeed come a long way. But as we chart bold course for the future, let us never forget our past." He presses a button and the podium and holds up his arms as the fireworks begin to go off. It's beautiful, and I've never seen anything like it, but I can't even bring myself to forget everything for a few moments and enjoy the light show.
Out of nowhere, Master Windu calls over to Anakin. "Skywalker, the shield generator!" A bounty hunter reaches into the ray shield to turn off the generator. Ahsoka and I stand up, ready for action. Anakin rushes over to him, but it's too late. It explodes, flinging the Chancellor onto his back. Master Windu rushes over to him and two guards. "Alright, you two, take the Chancellor to that speeder and get him out of here!"
"This way, Your Majesty," Ahsoka says to the Queen. "Hurry!" The Queen and her staff stand and start towards the exit. Ahsoka and I follow. I stay on guard in the back while Ahsoka takes the front. Nothing much happens as we lead them away to safety. We wait with them by the ship, just in case, until we get the all clear. Anxiousness flows through me as I begin to pace. The sun rises as I begin to question anything and everything I've come to know. After some time, Ahsoka grabs my arm to stop me.
"You're driving me crazy, Arlo, just pacing around. You need to go think, meditate for a bit, okay? I've got this covered, I think the trouble is gone at the moment. You need to focus on yourself for right now." I nod, and she pats me shoulder. "Why don't you go in the ship? No one's in there, it's a nice quiet space." I thank her quietly as I make my way to the ship's cockpit and sit down. Endless thoughts run through my head, prevalently of the Jedi Order. Everything I've been taught to believe now seems wrong to me.
There is no emotion, there is peace. But must you go through a period with great emotions in order to one day achieve that peace?
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. But don't you have to be ignorant at one point before you obtain that knowledge?
There is no passion, there is serenity. But shouldn't you have moments of passion to eventually be able to find that serenity?
There is no chaos, there is harmony. But isn't there always chaos prior to achieving that harmony?
There is no death, there is the Force. But we can die at any given moment, can we not? The Force is the only true ally we can have during our lives.
I bury my head in my hands and think. What if I just... flew away... right now? Left all my problems behind...? No. No, I can't do that. I know I shouldn't be thinking these things. This is too much to handle. All of it. I take deep breaths.
In.
Hold.
Out.
In.
Hold.
Out.
I do it over and over and over until I feel recomposed. I take one last deep breath and decide to head back outside. I walk down the ramp of the ship, but any composure that I had just regained was thrown away in a heartbeat. I stop in my tracks as I watch Anakin storm away from Obi-Wan, still disguised as Rako Hardeen. I looks over in my direction and we make eye contact briefly. Until I run. Away from him. I run around crates and small ships as I hear him call after me.
"Arlo!" His voice is still grossly distorted into Hardeen's. "Arlo, wait, just let me talk to you!" I don't listen and continue to run into a dead end, the edge of the landing platform. I look down. If I jumped, I'd just land in a grass field, and that's not so bad. But of course, Obi-Wan catches up to me. "Don't you even think about jumping." I feel tears start to brim at my eyes. "Just let me explain—" A tear streaks down my cheek as I turn around and smack him right across the face. Could I have brought myself to do that if it was his own face, and not Hardeen's? No clue. But needless to say, I didn't even think twice about it. Obi-Wan stumbles back at the sudden contact and opens his mouth to most likely scold me, but he bites his tongue. "Yeah. Yeah, I deserved that."
"Yeah, you did. And I'll do it again."
"Arlo, please, just listen to me—"
"No, you listen to me," I snap. I take a shaky and teary breath in. "I told you everything. Every little thing about me, you know. I trusted you with the things about myself that I don't even want to remember. But you threw that away like it meant nothing."
"It means everything, Arlo, you know that."
"Do I? Because apparently, you couldn't trust me, so why should I trust you again?"
"I understand that my actions are questionable, but in the end... I did what had to be done. But I would've never done it if I had known how badly it would hurt you and Anakin."
"You don't know half of how bad you really hurt me. You heard what I said at your 'funeral' and afterwards in the medbay. But did you hear me screaming while holding your dead body? Were you there when I lie awake sleepless every night, blaming it all on myself? Or when I locked myself in my room, not speaking or eating for days? You know, at one point it got so bad, I almost just left the Order. So I could go find this Hardeen guy, which, you look horrible as, by the way, and kill him. But I didn't, because I found this." I pull the letter out from the shaft of my boot and hold it up. "But now I'm wondering if you even meant any of it."
He puts a hand on my shoulder. "Of course I meant it, Arlo."
I shake his hand off of me. "It was one thing finding out that you had faked your death, but it was a whole other learning that it was your idea to not tell me in the first place."
"Yours and Anakin's reactions are what sold my death to Dooku. I couldn't tell you to ensure—"
"So you prove my point. I was nothing more than a reaction. And asset to complete a mission. You probably only every took me in because you felt sorry for me, because you needed a replacement for Anakin."
His voice begins to crack, still noticeable though the voice modulator changing his voice into Hardeen's. "You're being irrational, Arlo, you know I don't think that!"
"Maybe I am, but you've made me question everything I've come to learn and believe. I don't even know if I believe in the Order anymore, in what the Code tells me to think. I've been nothing but loyal to the Jedi, and this is how I'm requited? I don't really know how much I even want to stay anymore."
"Arlo, you can't—"
"Nothing is set in stone. But I don't want to talk to you anymore." I shove the letter into his chest, away from me.
I can see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. "Arlo..."
I let out a small, soft sob. "This is why I told you when we first met that I don't trust anyone. Because all they ever do is let me down. Now please just go away." He sighs shakily and nods, taking the letter and walking away, leaving me to break down, alone, once again.
—
I take a deep breath and knock on the door. Satine opens it.
"Obi-Wan."
"Satine... I'm assuming Arlo's already told you, then?"
"Yeah, she has. And I have half a mind to slap you right across the face right now."
"Please don't. Arlo already has. I can still feel it a little bit," I tell her as I touch my face where Arlo hit. I'm completely serious, it's still sore and a bit tingly, too. It's almost a comfort to feel my own face and hear my own voice again, instead of Hardeen's, but it's no escape from what I've done.
"Oh. Well, good for her."
I sigh. "Satine... I really messed up."
Her face softens. "Yeah, you did. Come in." She holds the door open for me, and I enter and take a seat of the small couch. She sits down next to me and puts a comforting hand on my back. "I won't lie to you, Obi-Wan, you're way in the wrong here. You broke her."
"I know. I knew it would be best for the mission to keep it secret, but at what cost?"
"Who cares about the mission anymore, Obi-Wan? You need to talk to her about this. Not just talk, but apologize."
"She doesn't even want to talk to me. And even if I do apologize, her trust is hard to win, and it's fragile. And I broke it."
"Why? It didn't seem hard to gain when I first met her."
"Let's just say she has quite the past. Remember how I told you I came to the temple later than most, at 3? She was even later than me. She was 5, she still remembers everything before she came to the Order. Her dad is a spice dealer and he was, well, abusive. And her mother ran away and left her with him when she was 3. Her mother is dead now, killed by her father."
Satine covers her mouth with her hand. "Oh, poor thing."
"I know. But you said she seemed to trust you easy?"
"Yes. I had no idea about any of this."
"I suppose that's because she could tell that I trusted you. Or the fact that you're just a naturally trustworthy person. Either way, I don't even think she realizes this yet, but, she seems to look at you as something of a mother figure."
"Then I couldn't ask for a better daughter. Now what else is troubling you, Obi-Wan?"
"You can tell?"
"Of course I can."
"She... she said she might leave. The Order."
"...Oh. Well, whatever she decides, you should be supportive, even if you don't agree. But as her master, or her father, as she said, you need to help her decide. Help talk her through it. Just listen, and when she wants your input, give her your input. She just needs some guidance."
"Right. I can do that. I just want her to do what's best for her, and I don't think that's leaving everything she has behind. I mean, she's just about to turn 16, for Force's sake. And I'm the reason that she's even considering it to begin with."
"I don't think she'll leave, Obi-Wan."
"So you're saying it's just an empty threat?"
"No, not at all. I think she really is considering it. But from what I hear, trust and loyalty mean everything to her. She's obviously loyal to you, you may as well be attached at the hip. You just need to tell her you were wrong, no buts, then after that I think she'll hear what you have to say."
"I can't thank you enough, Satine. And I believe I owe you an apology, too."
She grabs my hand in her much smaller one and gives it a soft, comforting squeeze. "Don't worry about me, Obi-Wan. Arlo needs you more right now."
—
I'm alone in my room. But I don't feel alone.
The voice of Qui-Gon that I heard while in Obi-Wan's room speaks. "Arlo."
"Master Qui-Gon... this is what you meant by the truth, isn't it? You knew and didn't tell me?"
"It wasn't for me to tell, but for you to figure out on your own."
"Why are you here, then? And how are you here?"
"How I'm here sounds like a good question for another day, young one. But why I'm here? I'm here to tell you that questioning yourself is a good thing."
"But I shouldn't be, should I?"
"Of course you should. It shows that you're growing into your own person. You're much like myself, young one, questioning whether the Council, and even the Order as a whole, is right. But just because you disagree sometimes doesn't mean you have to leave it all behind."
"I don't just disagree because I can. What they did to me was wrong in so many ways."
"Oh, no, I'm not at all defending that. You're right, it's wrong. But just because you're questioning the Jedi Code doesn't mean you have to pack up and leave. I think you need to go talk to Obi-Wan about this."
"No. I'm not talking to him."
"You're going to have to eventually... running from your problems and fears will do you, and others, no good." I sigh as I feel Qui-Gon's strange presence leave the room. I rub my head as I sit up. I have to just be hearing things, right? There's no way he's actually here. I decide to go outside to get some fresh air. I walk out to the gardens by the railing where Obi-Wan and I first spoke. I sit on the railing, feet dangling over the edge, and look out into the busy Coruscant night, the sounds of the bumbling city muffled by the distance between it and the temple. I sit in silence until I hear footsteps, and feel a familiar presence come up behind me. Obi-Wan stands to my side and pulls his robe around him tighter as the wind begins to blow. We stay there in silence for a few minutes as he waits for me to speak first.
"You know why it hurt so bad? Worse than it should have, probably?" I ask him, keeping my eyes focused on the city in the distance instead of looking at him. "Because you saved me when I needed it most. And I couldn't save you." A shiver runs through my body as the cool wind blows harder than before. He sighs from something that seems like relief that I was actually speaking. I watch from the corner of my eye as he slips off his brown robe and places it over my shoulders, then sits on the ledge next to me. I slip my arms through the loose sleeves and wrap it around me a bit tighter as I wait for Obi-Wan to say something.
He speaks quietly. "I'm so, incredibly sorry, Arlo. I know I'll never be able to apologize enough. I should've been better than that, and I was so focused on the mission I didn't think of the true consequences. I broke your trust, and I know it'll be hard to get back. I may never get it back for all I know. But as long as you know that I really, genuinely do love you and want the best for you... I'd be able to live with that. No matter what you decide to do."
"...I need your help, Obi-Wan."
"With what?"
"Should I go?"
"...I really don't know what you want me to say, Arlo. I don't want to decide for you."
"Just say what you'd normally say if I asked. Please."
He sighs. "Well, I guess I'd say to not let your emotions cloud your judgement. Because this is very obviously an emotion-based decision to you. I know I'm the reason you're even considering—"
"It's not just you, Obi-Wan. It's me, too. I've been thinking a lot these past few days, and like I said earlier, everything I've been taught to know, the Code, the Order, all of it, I'm questioning. I'm not sure how much I agree with it anymore."
"How so?"
"I don't know how to explain it, it's just..."
"Let me help. There is no emotion, there is peace. What do you think of that?"
"You need one to have the other."
"Ah, yes. You're just like Qui-Gon. Have you every heard of a Grey Jedi?"
"...What in the everliving Force is that?"
"Even though he wasn't, many people thought my master was a Grey Jedi. He often disagreed with the Council, and the Code. You've probably never truly noticed, but you've always seen things like that. You see them in grey, an in-between. Like your robes."
"Hm. I've always thought the grey robes suited me."
He chuckles. "Well, if you've ever wanted to know the meaning behind them, or your saber color, now you know."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, like you said on Umbara, have you ever seen anyone with a gold lightsaber before?"
"Well... no."
"It doesn't necessarily mean you're Grey, just because it's gold. But do you remember what it means?"
"A balance between knowledge and strength."
"Correct. Balance. That's what the color grey is, is it not? A balance of black and white. And that's essentially what a Grey Jedi is."
"So what does that mean for me? Do I need to leave for some other Jedi Order?"
"What? No. No, of course not. You don't have to go anywhere, if you don't want."
"Will I get in trouble? What's—?"
"Calm down, Arlo, you're not in trouble, nothing's gonna happen to you. And typically, Greys can dabble in the dark side a bit, which as far as I know, you can't. So I'm not saying you're actually a Grey, you just have similar views, is all. Like Qui-Gon."
"What do I do now?"
"Well, that's up to you. If you really, truly wish to leave, then I won't stop you..." He pulls out the letter from his belt and hands it over to me. "...but I really wish you'd stay."
I glance at the letter in his hand, then, for the first time during this conversation, look him in the eye. His eye, not Hardeen's. I look back at the letter and take it, turning it over in my hands and examining my name that he wrote in cursive. I finally know what I have to do. Qui-Gon was right, I can't up and run. I'd be abandoning Obi-Wan, and Anakin, and Ahsoka. My family. This is where I belong... for now, at least. I smile for the first time in what feels like forever. A genuine smile. "...You write your A's funny, you know."
He smiles back. "Force, I missed you, Sparky."
I reach over to give him a bear hug, my cheek resting on his shoulder. "I missed you too, Obi." He rubs my back as he reciprocates the hug that both of us so desperately needed, and we stay there until I fall asleep against him after we watch the sun rise.
—
i'm not gonna lie. i was about to make arlo leave. and even though she was grade-a pissed at the council (which she totally still is) (so am i 🙄), i think she'd need more than just this to COMPLETELY abandon everything. but this definitely won't be the last time it's brought up. like, at all. if i'm being completely honest, i feel like the thought would cross her mind a lot. idk 🤷‍♀️ i hope you all enjoyed it anyway 🙃
thanks for reading! -a 🪐