SoKeefe One-Shots

Jealousy

When the news of Fitz's great uncle's accident came the world seemed to turn over. His uncle would probably be okay but wasn't in the best condition and Elwin was doing his best to save him. Yet, Sophie couldn't seem to understand the flurry of reactions that everyone gave. Sure, she realized that for most elves there were few injuries and deaths to remember but they seemed to react to Fitz's emotions differently than they had for her. Sophie had been informed that Fitz had been particularly close to this uncle, that he needed time to recover and to give him space.

Instead of reacting normally and giving Fitz her condolences, Sophie found herself oddly resentful. She couldn't bring herself to give him her sympathy, an odd tug on her brain whenever she thought about it.

She realized that she was angry that this person, a person she loved and cared for, was able to heal in a healthy way. Why did he get to remove himself from the moment? Why did he receive understanding and empathy? Why did the world work differently for him? When she was broken, all those times that she was broken, she made herself move forward. She looked at what had happened and mourned around the events of her life. But for him? It seemed like the events of his life, of everyone's life around them, changed and adjusted to his grief. 

And she was jealous.

Because the world didn't move for her pain. A part of her knew that was because she had experienced so much of it, because she was raised to expect a painful end to life, and when she found out there would be no painful ending, everything she loved at that moment was taken from her. Ripped from her life at twelve.

Twelve.

And she didn't stop her world nor did she stop anyone else's. She went to council meetings, school entrance exams, foster parent introductions, and potential tests. They let her suffer in silence, barely acknowledged her loss, and moved on with their day-to-day lives. She cried herself to sleep and went to school in the morning. She received a hug and moved on to the next thing. She had been okay with that, wanted that even. Craved the loneliness to heal.

But as she looked back on that now, looking at how everyone stepped around Fitz like glass, she felt anger rise under her skin at the inequality of the situation. She knew that was unfair, too, that she was mad at her lack of support and not at Fitz himself. But watching him miss school, watching people come to check on him, watching him receive and accept the sympathy given was like watching the life she should have had. The life she could have had if she hadn't been part of the Black Swan's plans.

She wasn't mad at Fitz, just jealous. An ugly emotion because of the truth that it bore. Sometimes being seen as strong meant those around you don't recognize when you need a helping hand. That maybe if their world stopped with yours, it couldn't leave you behind. 

Maybe her anger was grief left unhealed. Grief not only of the life she left behind but of a future that could never be. She would always be the only one who remembered the Saturday nights she spent with her family watching movies, the Halloweens with the homemade costumes, her first day of school, watching her sister grow up, and naming her cat. Her photographic memory, the envy of many, meant she remembered exactly how worried her parents looked when she last said goodbye. She could never forget them, and they would never remember her.

It had been over three years since then. While Amy now knew Sophie again, their lives would likely stay separate for most of Amy's life. Her sister would be starting high school soon, no older sister to give her advice on classes or romantic encounters. Sophie would never see her graduate, go to college, get married, have kids, and, eventually, one day Amy and her parents, human as they were, would pass into the next life. 

And it would be no one's fault.

As unusual as it was, nothing that really happened to Sophie on that weird school field trip. There was no one she could wag her finger and yell at for the cracks in her heart. The Blackswan wanted someone who had grown up with humans so they would be sympathetic to them, and in a way, she could blame them if she wanted because it was their doing. But if they hadn't she wouldn't have met her family, her friends, she simply wouldn't exist.

 It was hard to blame them for wanting to have someone with empathy.

Without someone to blame she couldn't take out her grief on anyone, she had to let the cracks fill in on their own and understand that it was okay to be angry that she has losses no one else will likely face. That the world will not stop to let her catch up nor will she let the eggshells stop her from moving forward. She would take her time and she would heal. The anger will eventually pass. 

The life she has now is not one she would want to leave anyway, she just had to remind herself to take the time to heal from the one she lost.

And she would be okay.

She would be okay.