VIOLENT DELIGHTS, aaron hotchner

the ballad of me and my brain

The team's given two weeks off, only because everyone started asking for time off after Garcia and JJ left to help Emily move. Hotch takes Jack to Disney, Morgan flies off to some beach, Spencer flies to Nevada to visit his mother and attend a conference on neurotransmitters, and Juliette's pretty sure she saw Rossi leaving with Strauss that night.

While the women invited Juliette to go with them, she opted to rent a cabin in the North Carolina mountains, spending most of her time reading a pile of books Spencer gave her. She finds it therapeutic, being able to shut off her phone and simply feel her emotions as they come.

Though she enjoys the break, Juliette can't escape the somber mood the mountains put her in. She remembers camping with her father among these same trees, hiking and relishing in every moment away from the rest of the world.

Towards the end of her vacation, she comes to a horrifying realization; she misses the team. She misses Spencer's rambles, JJ talking about Henry, and even Rossi relaying his poker games. Then she misses Hotch, and she hates herself for admitting it. Juliette's become so accustomed to doing everything on her own, pushing away any opportunity to rely on someone else, that this family dynamic she's stumbled upon is... terrifying.

Part of her says it's simply a fear of abandonment, but family is good for her, this can be a good thing. The other side of her wants to run away, shutting off any connection to the outside world so that Penelope Garcia can't even find her.

But Juliette doesn't have the time nor the resources to go off the grid, so she packs her things Saturday morning (or afternoon, for those who don't sleep in past noon), and drives the six hours back to Quantico.

She spends the night nursing a bottle of wine, watching whatever documentaries the History Channel's showing. Sunday morning comes early, but she still has to train if she wants to stay faster than Morgan. Even after a stop at the coffee shop she's missed those two weeks, Juliette doesn't expect to see anyone she knows at the park, especially not a certain unit chief.

Aaron's stepping out of his car as she runs up to the start of the trail, immediately meeting her gaze and exchanging a smile. "What're you doing here?" Juliette asks when he's jogged up next to her.

"I thought I'd get a run in while Jack's getting donuts with Jess." Hotch replies. "When did you get back from the mountains?"

"Yesterday." She smiles, thankful when he seems genuinely interested in what she has to say. Juliette tells him about the weather, the books she read, and even the notes Spencer left in the margins. She can see from how relaxed Aaron's shoulders are she doesn't need to ask him how Florida was, but she does anyway. Maybe it's trivial conversation, but it's more for the comfort of the other's company rather than the topic.

When they return to the entrance, Hotch stops them in front of where they would usually part ways. He seems more spacey than usual, and for a moment Juliette's concerned they have a case. "So, we've been doing this running thing for awhile, but I was thinking we could go out to dinner together sometime." He starts, gauging her reaction.

Juliette tries her best to remain outwardly calm as he continues to speak, but her brain is screaming so many different things and her heart's beating so fast that she can only think of one response. "I- I can't."

Before Hotch can process what she said, Juliette's gone. Leaving him in the wind, she sprints the entire way home, only stopping for a breath once she's locked the door to her apartment.

It's only after Juliette's sitting against the wall, head between her knees, that she realizes all of her suspicions were true, and she still has no idea what to do. Revelations come fast after that, suddenly aware she may have ruined their relationship forever, and that she has to see him at the office the next day.