Solitude

A Solitary Confession

Love was a concept I didn't understand. I understood family love from my mom and a pets love from Loki: storge. I understood a friends love because of Morgan: philia. And in a way, I understood self love: philautia.

I just didn't understand eros or ludus love: sexual, passionate or playful love.

I had never been with anyone in a romantic way. I had never flirted. I had never been close to man. I had never wanted to become closer to someone.

Alex and I had been together three weeks and in those three weeks, we had spent our weekends together and he took two days off in the week to stay with me and the dogs. Sundays, we spent the day at his where his family would come round and we would eat a roast dinner.

It was the first time in fourteen years that I had a freshly cooked roast dinner, usually I bought microwavable meals so I didn't have to cook. Cooking wasn't really my strong suit.

I didn't talk a lot around his family, only to the twins but I was becoming more comfortable around them. They included me and when I was around them, I didn't feel like the outcast, I felt apart of the family.

Jada would talk to me about the twins and would tell me about them when they were little, as well as what Alex was like when he was growing up. Aiden and I would converse about our love of reading and he often suggested books I should read. He suggested I read Deaths door, unknowing that it was my own book. Alex and I shared a smile at that.

Michael was by far my favourite person in that family, apart from Alex. He was wise and selfless. He told me about his endeavours while building his company and I had to say, I was in awe of him when he spoke. He reminded me so much of Alex.

I was comfortable around Alex the most though.

I trusted him but when I thought about our relationship becoming more intimate, something I have never thought about before or delved in to with someone, I panicked.

He didn't seem bothered that in the three weeks we had been together we hadn't kissed or gone any further than a hug and hand holding. Part of me wanted to but I wasn't confident enough to take the plunge and he didn't push me.

I just liked being with him, both of us present and together.

We sat next to each other on the sofa, my legs crossed underneath me and his legs outstretched under the coffee table while we watched a movie.

It was moments like this in the three weeks that I had grown used to. The movie was much more exciting with Alex around.

"Wait is Journey to the Centre of the Earth a spin off of Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs? Because they both have dinosaurs underneath the Earth. And that professor guy kind of sounds like Manny. Is this like the human version?"

"What?" He glances at me weirdly. "No they're two completely different films and actors."

"But the plot is so similar!" I exclaim, staring at him suspiciously.

"It's a coincidence that they both have dinosaurs in." He stared at me weirdly but I saw the tiny movement of his lips curving in to a small smile.

Stubbornly, I shake my head. "There is no such thing as a coincidence."

I don't miss the small smile on his lips as he looks from me to the TV screen. "Yes there is and this is one of them."

I hum, unconvinced. "I like my version better."

He ignores me. "I have a confession." Alex started slowly, pausing the movie and turning to me. "I read your books."

I meet his eyes, a stab of panic echoing through me. What if he didn't like them? "And?" I forced out, swallowing the lump of anxiety that tried to catch the word before it left.