Jesus X Reader

✧Chapter Thirteen✧

     "AHHHHH!" you shouted, waking up in agony after what felt like a millennium. "Where am I?" You asked, even though you knew the answer. The fire dancing around you in the shape of a penis and Cardi B pole dancing gave it away.

     A small man emerged from the fire. "I'm wiggly. Welcome to hell." Wiggly glanced beside you at Jesus, who until now, you hadn't even realized was there. "Lil' Jeezy! How's it going bro?"

     "Totally rad, bro," Jesus responded. Jesus stepped forward and puts his hand out. You thought he was going to shake hands with Wiggly, but instead, they performed what you assumed to be a secret handshake. "Anyway, why am I here? I'm literally Jesus, The Christ, The Messiah, Sky Daddy. I thought it was in the contract that I get free pass into heaven."

     "Yeah, but we actually have to make an exception for you. Turns out, you committed 420,069 war crimes in your time on earth, which is both impressive and- hey, why are you laughing?"

     Jesus took a deep breath to regain his composure. "Nothing. Sir."

     "So, turns out, once you commit literally every sin ever, we have no choice but to keep you in hell."

     Jesus stomped his feet like a child when they don't get ice cream. "It was just a prank, Bro! Let me talk to my daddy about this! I know he'll say I need to go back to heaven!"

     Wiggly frowned. "Sorry bud, I'm afraid I can't do that. God was slain last week. Since then, his throne has been claimed by Karl Marx."

     "No, no, no. no, no!" Jesus laid on the floor and started flailing his arms and legs violently. "I don't want to go to hell!"

     "Sucks to suck, doesn't it, bitch."

- - -

     Wiggly escorted you down the street with one finger resting on the top of your head. All around you, there were buildings taller than my will to live and the streets were narrow and winding. The sky was painted a snazzy red hue and the air was hot and dry. Your eyes burned, but you couldn't tell if it was from the air or your pain. Leaving Jesus at the gates of hell was the hardest thing you had ever done. You had just found your soulmate, and then you had to leave him.

     Wiggly led you into a big building made of marble. It was tastefully decorated with corinthian columns and gold molding.

     "So," he started. "Everyone in hell lives in these big apartment buildings provide by the government. You may get a roommate to start off, but you can eventually move up and live by your own or with someone of your own choosing." Wiggly ran into a wall. "Would you look at that, we're here! Have fun!" With that, he poofed out and left you standing nervously in front of the door.

    You cautiously knocked and braced yourself. When the door swung open, you were greeted with the welcoming face of a hot woman. Her blonde curls perfectly framed her face and her eyes shimmered with hot dog juice. She had hips that curved more than the COVID deaths and a smile like the breath of dawn. 

     "Hey girlie, I'm Bethany!"

     Your face flushed with love and lust. "I'm (Y/n)."

     The next two weeks were the best two weeks of your afterlife. You and Bethany had many deep theological conversations, and you even managed to convert her to biblical marxism. Everything was super friendly. . . until today. You and Bethany were sitting on your shared couch watching shark boy and lava girl when Bethany leaned over and put her head on your shoulder.

    "Bethany?" You croaked, your heart pounding in your chest.

     "Hm?"

     "You you maybe wanna, like, make out or something? But like as friends though!"

     Bethany tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Sure."

     You jumped on top of Bethany in an instant. For just a moment, you stared into each others' eyes, and you could have sworn you saw her bite her lip like a 14 year old child on Tiktok. You connected your lips to hers in a mess of passion and heat. Her tongue tasted like deodorant and cottage cheese. Lucky for her, cottage was your favorite flavor of cheese.

- - -

     You looked Bethany in the eyes as you walked down the isle in the same rainbow dress Dr. Phil wore to Pickle Rick's funeral. A single tear slipped out of your eye and ran down your cheek as you stared at the love of your life. She looked so beautiful in her Marie Curie costume. She may have thought this was a Halloween party and not your fucking wedding, but you would't let that ruin your big day.

     As you stepped onto the platform, you looked out to the audience. All of your friends sat in the front row. They had somehow all managed to fit into the eeby deeby elevator to get there. You forgot that Hagrid needed six chairs, so Pickle Rick, Jesus, Dr. Phil, Mr. Clean, and Kristen all had to sit on his lap. William Linoleum Sheuster winked at you from under Hagrid's chair, where he was sitting and barring his teeth like a rabid dog.

     "(Y/n). Say your fucking vows. You've been staring off into the distance for 16 minutes. I'm getting impatient." 

     "Oh sorry, Beth." You reached for the little piece of paper tucked away in your thong with shaking hands. As you unfolded it, you started to cry. "Bethany, I am so excited to spend the rest of my life together. Even in the two and a half weeks that we dated, you helped me to become a better person. When I showed up in hell, I was so confused. I had just had my heart broken by a million different guys. You helped me realize that I never liked any of them, and only dated them because I crave male validation. You helped me realize that true love doesn't have to hurt. I got so lucky to have you has my roommate, and I am beyond thrilled for you to become my permanent roommate. I-"

     "Omg," said Karl Marx, who was officiating the wedding. "Shut up and kiss already. I have a two o'clock meeting."

     Bethany grabbed your face and pulled your lips to hers. Her cheesy taste enveloped all of your senses, and you could't breathe, but who needs breathing when you have a wife?