Bees & Honey [H.S]

Chapter 40

"I hate goodbyes."

"Not a goodbye Bee, this is a 'see you soon'."

"I'll see you soon then Honey."

Our last proper and authentic conversation replayed in my head. Ironic how what we had avoided now had become reality, turns out it really had been a goodbye all along.

If I knew that then, then maybe I would've stayed longer in his arms. Maybe I'd found some way to say it then, sober, and before he went. Maybe I would have realised that to certainty of his arms was better than the perhaps of more that came with sharing my feelings.

The memories reminded me of how full my heart had been in that moment, and it made me aware of how that once full heart now had shattered into pieces. I so badly wanted to glue them back together just to feel whole again and to the feeling I squeezed in pain, the sadness of just feeling so completely and utterly broken overwhelming me.

I curled up, making myself equally as small as I felt, as he had made me feel.

"That's your issue Bianca!"

"Drop it."

It... It being us.

I shut my eyes, hard, feeling my lips trembling while trying to keep in the hurt that was trying to escape me when it flooded over. But it only made it worse with the aching in my chest building up. Flinching to it I turned in my bed, nuzzling up to Jack's shoulder.

"Bibs?" He asked in a sweet whisper, seemingly only sleeping lightly as I woke him up.

While turning towards me he laid an arm around my back, pushing me gently to his chest that now faced me with his new position. I felt even smaller in his embrace and his solace defeated me.

Silently he just held me there, stroking his hand comforting along my back. I watched how my sadness left calm waterfalls along his walnut skin, and he hugged me harder. Behind me I felt Casper being woken up by our movements, apparently not being deep asleep.

"Do you want to go and put some tea on?" Jack asked Casper lightly over me. Since I didn't hear Casper say a word I guessed he had only nodded before he got up from bed to start with breakfast.

Me and Jack laid like that until we felt the smell of scrambled eggs and toasts. I threw on a hoodie before dragging my feet after Jack out to the kitchen. I saw Casper serving portions of the eggs on the plates on top of my bar counter, but the lump still stuck in my throat killed any appetite that I had. While holding the pan over the last plate, Casper looked askingly at me as I sat down on the other side of the counter from him. I answered him by shaking my head softly. He moved on to add just a little on the plate before adding the rest to the other two, kindly understanding that I didn't want to eat, but also knowing that I had to at least get some food down.

I pulled the sleeves over my hands, holding onto the tea cup Casper placed in front of me. Carefully the two of them started chit chatting around their food before Jack sat down with his plate next to me and Casper took his first bite from his avocado toast still standing opposite me, and then silence fell.

They ate without sharing a word, not with each other, not with me. I was aware that they wanted to ask, but didn't want to push me or get me upset again now that I had settled down. It was only a matter of time before either of them dared, so I saved them the stress of silently agreeing on who and how.

"I told Harry last night that I had feelings for him." I spoke, surprisingly surely and calmly. Both of them looked at me surprised that I was speaking, but when what I had said landed they almost looked scared. I watched them for a second, taking in their reaction before I moved my gaze down to my cup again, finding my words.