My life

hello everyone!

hey, it's been a while since you've heard from me last. don't worry i'm still alive (i'm sure nobody really cares but i figured i'd tell ya lol). i'm not sure if anyone reads these anymore but i have been bottling up a lot and i really need to talk about it before i have an emotional breakdown. i have been super fucking depressed lately. like i know depression usually spikes in the winter time because we don't really care for the cold but it's worse than seasonal depression. it started around september i was getting angry and irritated super easily like my bf would ask me a question and i would snap at him because he interrupted me or something. i feel like a bitch when i do that to him because i know he means well and i really don't mean to yell at him. i know it upsets him when i do that but i have a hard time controlling it right now. anyways moving forward. it started getting worse like every little thing would piss me off, i was cleaning my room one day and my rolling tray fell on my hand. it was kinda heavy but it didn't fall from a far distance so it didn't really hurt but i literally got so mad i walked out of the house and sat on the steps in the freezing cold for like 20 minutes because i was so mad it fell. then after that i started feeling tired at night sooner than i usually do. it was around december ish at this time so i figured it was just seasonal depression. but it's february and i'm still feeling like shit. i was laying in bed all day not getting anything done then a week later i started getting super emotional over nothing. literally nothing. my bf told me that his ex texted him for notes for school and i literally got angry yelled at him and went in my room and started crying. idk what's going on but my mood swings are so bad i can't control it anymore. anyways i've been having suicidal thoughts more often again, i was driving to pick up my bf before school one morning and i wasn't even upset or anything. but my brain was thinking:
me-*doing 60mph*
🧠-throw the car into the ditch see if you live or not
me-nah (bf name) would miss me too much i can't leave him alone in this cruel world
🧠-cmon it would be so fun
me-i said no knock it off
sometimes it's like that but with other things like when i'm in school i think of what would happen if a ceiling tile fell on my head and killed me. i don't actually act upon these things but i can't stop thinking about it. i don't wanna end my life i just want this pain to end. i love my life it's a mess but i'm happy with it i just can't stop thinking about death. i've never actually been diagnosed with depression but i know for a fact this is what it is because my mom got diagnosed and i go through the same stuff she does. idk i've been feeling super alone lately and i have super bad dark circles under my eyes all the time. every time i take my bf home at night i'm terrified i'm gonna fall asleep at the wheel because i'm tired all the time. i depend on my bf too much and i know you shouldn't do that because it always leads to bad things and i really don't try to depend on him but he's all i have at this point in my life and i really don't wanna let it go or mess it up. i try so hard to be perfect for him because he's really good to me and he respects me and socialises with my family, he buys us stuff if we need something and don't have enough money to get it, he brings in fire wood every day so my dad doesn't have to do it, he gives my mom all his change cuz he knows how much she likes it, he cuddles me when i'm not feeling good, he calls me beautiful when im not feeling myself, he sees when i'm upset and tickles me to make me laugh. i can't fuck this one up i really can't lose him it would kill me to lose the only guy in my life that actually cares about me. on another note earlier tonight he said he was going to bed so he said goodnight he didn't say he loved me so i was like okay maybe he will say it later so i texted him goodnight i love you then said text me as soon as you wake up he said okay i will so i said i love you and i didn't get a response. i know he could've fallen asleep but i can't stop thinking that he might not actually love me anymore. idk i hate my brain sometimes i'm so tired of feeling like this because i jump to conclusions. but i'm really hurting myself and idk how to stop. welp i'm gonna try to relax and go to bed i have a migraine that just won't go away. i'll see you guys sometime soon maybe.