Bad Decisions - Alex Turner

57. My Lover's Murderer

  I felt my body break. Everything went hollow. I couldn't even bring myself to move. I just felt so guilty. Had I just told him about Christian then maybe he wouldn't feel so helpless. Even before then, I should've just told him how I felt so that he knew he wasn't the problem. That I was hurting but not enough that I was going to let it jeopardise his happiness and now it was. I was hurting him and he'd hid it so well.

  I began to sink into myself, wondering whether Christian was actually right. Everything I did just seemed to make things worse and I was breaking Alex down bit by bit. What's wrong with me? I couldn't bare the thought of losing him. Especially at my own fault.

I spent the entirety of the show in a self destructive isolation, just waiting for Alex to come back down so I could apologise to him and make things right. You have to talk to him. He's Alex. He will always try to understand you. He's not going to be upset if you talk to him. Just be open like you used to be. Hiding things is just going to hurt him more. Talk to him.

I ended up calling Saorise, hoping she had any advice for me on what I could do or what I should say. She pretty much just told me that even though I was hurting, I needed to talk to Alex so he didn't feel shut out.

"You trust him right?" she said to me.

"Of course I do."

"Then talk to him, okay? And if you find that there's things you can't bring yourself to say, just tell him that," Saorise said in a soothing voice. I was sobbing like a baby. "Just say that there's more going on and you want to tell him but you're not ready yet and that as soon as you are, you'll confide in him."

"You're the best," I said to her, wiping my cheeks because I didn't want anyone to know I'd been crying at all.

"I'm also going to tear Christian's balls off if I ever see him," she said to lighten the mood. "It's on sight with that asshole."

"You and me both," I said, managing half a laugh.

Thankfully, my eyes weren't red and after a few touch ups, I didn't look like I'd been crying at all. I was too scared to go up into the wings incase he saw me and I threw him off. So I spent the whole show burrowed in my thoughts backstage.

  When everyone began coming off stage I felt my heart begin to race. I anticipated him coming down and ignoring me but when he did, he instantly made eye contact with me and made his way over.

  "I'm sorry," I said to him as he approached me. "I do want to talk to you, I do—"

Alex just shook his head and hugged my head into his chest, "we'll talk at the hotel, alright?"

  I nodded and swallowed the hard lump in my throat, eyes glued to the floor in shame. He didn't look happy to see me. He looked exhausted.

"Hey," he said softly, moving a hand to my chin and tilting my face up so my eyes met his. "I'm not upset with you, I were just frustrated," he said. I wanted to exhale in relief but I just found myself holding my breath and waiting for him to continue.

"I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you before," he said, guilt and regret filling his eyes, "I misfired and it weren't fair of me."

I shook my head, letting out that deep breath, "no...I know why you're frustrated..." I said quietly, "and I'm sorry I've been shutting you out...I know we need to talk and I want to...I just..."

"It's alright," Alex said and hugged me to his side, "you don't have to explain now...we'll talk once we get back." I nodded, sinking into his side and breathing a sigh of relief as he kissed my forehead. Don't screw this up.