Under the influence

Faith

It is either everything or nothing with me. I do not do the in betweens. I love until the very core of my emotion towards you has vanished , I give until I have nothing left to keep for even myself.

I cannot be your friend , I cannot be your lover , I cannot lose myself to someone with no certainty , to someone who is helplessly incomplete. There is trauma inside of me , stories inside this heart that prevents me from letting myself connect. There are parts of me that need to be seen , that need to be heard. There is a disconnect with the people I once would have offered my life to , the people I would have betrayed myself for.

I don't know who to trust , nobody has ever truly had my best interest at heart. So if even once you attempt to make me choose between you or me , you will be helplessly hurt because I will always choose myself. I am mine before I am hers ,before I am his , before I am yours. I should pray more , I speak to God because the people surrounding me are the one's I do not trust to speak with. I close my eyes , I drift into a place where I can feel the water beneath my feet.

A place where I can go to sleep and lay my soul to rest. My heart is thumping , roaring with more then two regular beats , this is me. There is purpose with each morning I wake up and breathe. I do not trust you , I have no faith in the world.

When it is late , with tears displaying my hurt and my fears , I am at ease , Because I have learnt. There is a God , there is a force that is going to help me gain every ounce of happiness that I have earned.

                            -Liyah Smith