Hateful Desire

Chapter 22

Winter approaches with full force. It's been a several months since Dumbledore was killed. Trying to bring life back to normal has been difficult. I have been trying to work with Madam Pomfrey to as much as possible this year to try and forget about the events from last term. Hermione has left with Ron and Harry to go on some adventure. Apparently it was too important for her to spill any information about it. I haven't heard from any of them since.

My father has been writing to me everyday trying to get me to come home. Now that Dumbledore has died, he is afraid of me being at Hogwarts. I understand his concern, but Hogwarts is a fortress. Although, I can't stop thinking about how the other Death Eaters were able to enter the castle. Thinking about it makes me even more sick.

My room is quiet as I hear the storm pass through outside, the only noise is heavy rain and thunder. I decide to look through my trunk to find an older book from my fathers collection. I have been wanting to read it, but have been distracted with my independent study.

I pull out my trunk to find a couple of jumpers and socks still tucked away. As I pull the items back, I find a black leather journal wrapped up lying alone. My heart stops beating for a moment as I look at it. Draco's journal. I had almost forgotten about it through the heat of anger I have been feeling.

I gently lift the journal up, I feel a magnetic pull to it. My heart is telling me to burn the whole journal and to never think about it again. My mind is telling me to read the words he has practically begged me to look at. My judgement is clouded and I slowly open the journal. The pages are thick and my heart stings looking at Draco's writing in ink. I pass through a few pages until I get to fifth year:

October 1995

Fifth year at Hogwarts has been almost exactly as expected: trivial, idiotic, and a complete waste of time. Almost everyone is practically wetting themselves at the thought of Voldemort. I have insufferable classes with insufferable people. Father has been growing more tense about my future. He neglects to inform me exactly what that looks like though. I have been kept in the dark with all these "new plans" he  is pushing. Now that there has been movement in his work space he has found it important to start training me soon. I must say, it is all rather exciting. I cannot wait to start doing actual tasks that are important. Even if I am unsure of the specifics of it all, my father thinks I will be ready for it.

December 1995

I have decided to come back to school for the holidays. I have found that the arrangements at home were not suitable. My mother and father sat me down with Aunt Bella and decided to tell me the exact specifics of my future. The fact that my father could look me in the fucking eyes and tell me of the "Dark Lords Power" made me want to crucio him. I have been thinking about the plans for a while now. Being in the castle has made it impossible for me to think of anything else. The idea of being powerful has been passed out throughout the Black and Malfoy family. They are very convinced he will win the final battle, when there eventually comes one. They feel as though me not taking the proper steps to becoming a part of the following, will only lead to my fall. I can not disappoint my family, yet I am not sure if I can do what they ask of me. This has my head in fucking spirals.

February 1996

I have royally fucked up. I didn't realize how badly I fucked up until now. It seems as though I have grown sufficient feelings for a Gryffindor. She drives me fucking insane with her teasing and fucking naging. Although, her fucking smile and her stupid laugh. I can hear that damn laugh in my sleep. She makes me feel like I should be not horrible? Fucking pathetic. It's a weird feeling to have. The feeling of possibly wanting to not be a complete and utter ass to people is something I guess I never thought about. Pretty fucking stupid right. The worst part is, it can't last. I will let her go eventually, but it will be hard. She is unaware of any plans for my future, and I tend to keep it that way. My father keeps writing to me and asking me to come home, he says I need to meet with more people to have plans in order for this summer. I have ignored every letter from him and try to simply push it to the back of my mind.