Rise of the Queen: Land of Eight (T)

85 3 8
                                    

Rise of the Queen: Land of Eight

ena_joy


Initial Impression: (cover, title & blurb)

Your cover is aesthetic and pleasing, but I have seen this picture a few times on Wattpad for multiple stories. I'd recommend using a different picture or adjusting the picture to make it more unique. I like the ominous tone of it, and I like that right off the bat it implies fantasy. However, there is potential to make a better cover altogether. This story strikes me as the kind to have one of those really dramatic and epic covers with a crazy font and clues embedded in the pictures.

Your title is a little long, and I don't fully see the connection to the story- but I understand that the meaning may be a little clearer once the plot is further along. It is unique, however, so I don't have a problem with that aspect. Just make sure it relates to the story properly, and if it does, you're good to go!

I like the idea of putting an excerpt in your blurb. Especially in your case because it demonstrates how incredible your writing is. However, I don't think the excerpt you chose is as strong as some of the other writing you showcase. For example, your first chapter- with the repetition of 'protocol' and 'yet'- is an incredible piece of writing. If you want to showcase your writing right in your blurb, I'd recommend picking something from your first chapter instead- just because it's so good. How about this:

Protocol.

We had been trained to respond to the air. Protocol had been etched into every corner of our bodies. You did not. ever. break. protocol.

And yet I open my eyes.

Yet I lift my head.

Yet...

This was not protocol.

Here, I've taken the strongest, most impactful lines from your chapter one and pushed them together a bit. If I saw that blurb- even just the first word, I would click onto your story. It might be a good idea to change that around a bit since I just typed it up quickly, but I'm sure you get the point. As for the rest of your blurb, I like how much you explain, but it is just a tad long. Can you cut anything down to make it a little snappier? In fact, I think you only really need the first paragraph and end the entire blurb with 'and not for the better.' I don't really like blurbs that ask questions such as 'can she do this...' or 'will she...'. It seems a little odd to me, but perhaps that's just a matter of opinion. If you like it, keep it.

12/15


Logistics: (grammar, spelling & dialogue)

Your grammar is, for the most part, done properly. You have an occasionally extra comma here and there, and some points where you should have a comma and you didn't. In the first three chapters, I only found three or four of those, so your grammar is proper from what I've seen. One thing I noticed is you use 'and' a lot to begin a sentence. In truth, it's improper grammar, but it's also a good way to create drama in creative writing. I use 'and' to begin a sentence quite a bit, but you have to be careful to make sure it's not just a weird transition. I found a few of these. Here's one example from your chapter two:

'My pajama bottoms remained. And I was soaked, my hair clung uncomfortably to my face and neck. My feet bare.'

I don't see this as a particularly dramatic description, so I'd recommended restructuring it:

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