Loves Me Not

FOUR

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

I didn't see Will Sterling for a while after that fateful night.

Him and Holden packed up their things and went back to NYU the next day, and all I had left was remnants of the night before. I thought about his dark brown eyes, the way that he looked at me – I mean really looked at me. As though I wasn't just another person. As though I mattered.

I thought about him every day for the next week. However, after that week was up, the thoughts began to slowly dwindle. By the following week, I had moved on to more important matters. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

I graduated high school that spring, went to prom, the whole sha-bang. Summer began and I wanted to enjoy every moment of those two months because soon enough, fall would arrive, and I'd be heading off to university. It's safe to say that Will had left my mind completely. I didn't think I'd ever see him again.

It was a hot day in mid-July when our paths crossed once again. Holden had invited Will up for the week. No one told me about this until that very morning when I walked into the kitchen in my pajamas, only to be greeted by Holden and Will scoffing down their bowls of cereal.

"Catalaina," he smiled when he saw me.
"Will – hi," I stopped dead in my tracks, caught off guard by his sudden presence in my kitchen. My safe haven. Immediately, the memory of him flooded my brain. The last time we saw each other. The night we spent talking, getting to know one another. And then: nothing.
"How have you been?" he asked me.
"Get a room," Holden remarked, putting his bowl in the sink.
"Good," I said, awkwardly shifting towards the counter, trying to hide the fact that I was standing there vulnerable in my pajamas. "You?"
"Pretty good. Glad to be finished second year."
"Was it everything you expected and more?"
"Not as bad, actually."
I nodded. They were eating cereal, so I walked towards the cupboard to find some for myself.
"So what's the game plan for today, Kittridge?" Will asked my brother.
"We can head down to the waterfront for a bit. Go to the football field, grab lunch."
"Any good places to eat?"
"There's this burrito place downtown."
I poured myself a bowl of cereal and grabbed the milk from the fridge as they talked.
"What about you, Kit-Cat?" I heard Will say.
I turned and looked at him. "What did you call me?"
"Kit-Cat," he said nonchalantly. "Like the chocolate bar. It's your last name and first name combined."
I stared at him, processing this information. Holden stared too, certain I was about to lose it over being called Cat.
But I guess I surprised us all when I smiled. "I like it," I said. "I like it a lot."

I lounged around the house and did nothing all day. It was scorching hot, so I swam in our pool, then proceeded to tan my already dark body. Bless my mother's eastern European genetics for keeping me olive-skinned year-round.

I read a book, listened to music, ate a fruit platter, and spent the day thinking about Will Sterling. They returned home close to dinner time, hyped up and laughing about something funny Holden said in the car. Holden headed upstairs to take a shower, and Will wandered into the living room, where I sat reading a book.

"What cha' doin'?" he asked as he perched himself on the edge of the couch.
"Nothing," I said, snapping the book closed.
"Doesn't look like nothing."
"It does now."
"No," he said. "It looks like you're talking to me."
I smiled involuntarily. "Probably the most interesting thing I've done all day."
He found that amusing. "So how did you end up spending your day, Kit-Cat?"
Butterflies swirled in my stomach at the use of his nickname for me. "Oh, nothing too spectacular. Just ran a marathon, baked five batches of cookies, eloped in Cancun, and discovered the cure for Cancer."
He nodded his head. "Not bad, not bad. I mean, you could have done more, if we're being honest here. But that's pretty impressive, I guess. I'd love to snag some of those cookies."
"Ah, darn, I actually ate them all."
"Was that before or after the marathon?"
"After."
"Perfect post-workout snack."
"My thoughts exactly."
It was silent for a moment, and then we both laughed.
"I'm going to take a shower once Holden's finished. I'll see ya around." He got up and headed upstairs to the spare room. I remained on the couch, feeling giddy from our conversation.

Witty and charming.

Later that evening, I lingered in the hallway outside of Holden's room, trying to overhear the plans the two of them were making. It was a Saturday night and they were going out and getting plastered.

"What's McKayla up to tonight?" I heard my brother ask Will.
"I think she's going to a party one of her friend's is having."
"Is it the hot one with the red hair?"
"No, it's her friend from high school, Sarah."
"They should come here."
"Bit far of a drive, bud."
Holden laughed. "Next time, bring her."
"We'll see."

I stepped away from the door and pressed my back against the wall. Who on earth was McKayla?

I waited until they were good and drunk before I approached and made my move. I was a little apprehensive, mostly because I feared what the answer was going to be. But in all honesty, I think I knew all along who she was. I just didn't want it to be true.

"Going out?" I tried to sound casual as I walked into the living room where they sat and drank. I was wearing a tank top and short-shorts, my hair curled over my shoulders. I wanted Will to see me. To notice me.
"Hey, Kit-Cat," Will said, holding up his beer in salute.
"Wanna drive us to the bar?" Holden asked me.
I debated saying no. "Sure," I said, first to my brother, then looking to Will. He seemed different when he was drunk.
"Sweet. We're leaving in twenty minutes if that's cool."
"Okay," I said, then stood there, unsure of how to proceed. Then I said, "Hey, Holden, can you come help me with something in the kitchen for a sec?"
"I guess," he put his beer down and followed behind me. The music was loud enough that Will couldn't hear us from the other room.
"Whadya want?" Holden said.
"Who is McKayla?" I said her name like it was poison on my tongue.
"How do you know about that?"
"Who is she!?"
"She's Will's girlfriend, you psycho. What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing!" I said, trying to keep composed. Girlfriend?
"You're an odd ball, you know that?"
"Since when?" I asked. "Has she been his girlfriend?"
"I don't know, a couple months maybe?"
"Like, before you brought him here? Or after?"
Holden thought about this. "After, I guess. I think they met shortly after that, actually."
I swallowed. "Cool. Awesome. Okay, keep on drinking. I'll drive you in twenty minutes." I ushered him back into the living room and sank against the wall in the kitchen.

The rest of the week was different after that. Every interaction I had with Will was measured and calculated. I was trying to be careful. I didn't want to say the wrong thing, seem as though I was coming onto him or something. He had a girlfriend. The conversations that the two of us had could no longer be considered "flirting."

He was still nice to me, nonetheless, which made me wonder why? What could he possibly want from me if he already had a girlfriend? Perhaps he was just being nice. Will was a nice guy, after all. Very kind and genuine. That's what I liked about him. And yes – I liked him a lot.

But I was eighteen and he was twenty. I was naïve and he had a girlfriend. He didn't like me that way. There was nothing going on between us. Any thoughts that might have suggested otherwise were skewed on my behalf.

He had a girlfriend. But that didn't mean we couldn't be friends.