Solitary

Chapter 76- Proceed as Usual

Dear Sol,

By now, you would have found out that I am dead. I have a lot to confess, I have a lot that I didn't get to say. First, I knew that death was the only option out. I couldn't leave my marriage, the pack demanded so much from me, and I felt hopeless about you. Some part of me hoped you would fight Ricky for me, that's why I held on so tight. I thought you were my only way out of this hole I dug myself into.
I know I was wrong, to reject you, and turn you away. Hiding you from everyone I knew because I was ashamed. I am now more ashamed of myself than anyone. Most of all for what I did to you, Sol. I remember when we were little and you would come over to my house in the middle of the night and we would watch Disney movies. You always left before the sun would come up.
I remember when you bought me my first bouquet of flowers on Valentine's Day in seventh grade. I didn't like roses so much before, but I loved them after that day. You listened to me talk for hours even though I had nothing to talk about. You learned the piano for me. You were my best friend, and I don't know why I couldn't see you before, and I'm so sorry it took me this long. But I see you.
      I always wanted to explain to you why I never wanted you around Hal. Ever come to wonder how Hal and I even knew each other, why we were so close but he lived in the next pack over. Hal was my half brother, my dad conceived him out of an affair he was having behind my mom's back, he had him moved close so he could keep and eye on Hal. And that was already bad. I hated Hal for a lot of reasons, sometimes I even though he took you from me. That is what was worse.
Don't feel guilty for my death, don't feel like this is your fault because it's not. It's mine. I couldn't live with Ricky as my mate, even if I spent a lot of time trying to trick myself into thinking I couldn't. I can't live with the responsibility to a people that will never care to know or love me the way you did. Most importantly, I couldn't see my life without you in it, Sol. I couldn't see you not at my side, holding me like you used to when I was sad.

I'm so sorry.

I know I have no right to ask, and I would understand if you refused, but I don't want Ricky anywhere near my funeral. The name I put down to claim my body was yours. I only want to be cremated and for you to spread my ashes across one of the places you've been to while you were away. I want to see at least one sight that you've seen outside this pack. One that you don't mind sharing with me.

That's the only thing I want.

-Your Amber.

I sit on the balcony edge in the bedroom as I smoke a cigarette, the letter in my hands as I glass of scotch sat beside me. The festivities were still going on and Victor had left a long time ago to retrieve her body.

"You've been reading that for an hour now." Nik says from his place at the balcony doors.

"How would you react if I committed suicide and left you nothing but a note?" I ask my voice flat and void of any emotion. My eyes falling over the words once again, like pressing the replay button in the remote.

"Is that what's bothering you? That she left a note?" Nik asks as I feel him moving closer.

"I don't even know what to feel." I say my hand falling to my side, letter still in hand as I move back into the room. Abandoning my glass out on the balcony.

"It's natural to feel shock. Maybe anger, maybe sadness," he lists off.

"That's not it." I say cutting him off and sitting on the edge of the bed. "I don't feel any of those things, I'm just thinking."

"About?"

"About the fact that Amber and I had spent all of my life together." I say. "She was who I went to when I was scared, she helped me escape a lot of pain with her mindless rambling. Memories of thunderstorm sleep over parties, and hanging out in school, laughing at dad jokes at one in the morning when I convinced her to sneak out for my fourteenth birthday," I stop taking a breath. "She was weaved and sown into every part of my life until she decided not to me, I once told myself that if she asked for my soul I would give it to her, no questions asked!"