Asterisk*

Apparatus and Apparition*

*Archery of the soul

One word says it all,

A last guttural scream that no one can return,

Kind of crazy, kind of ridiculous.

An everlasting red heart,

Poison candy apple,

Oozing caramel,

The last saving stretch no one can remember.

Apollo

I was currently hoping for some kind of winter magic I knew wasn't coming. It's whatever, you know. Anything that gets me through the day. It was kind of working. I just needed to unpack all my things and start preparing for the test I had next week.

I still hadn't opened Marcus' gift. I didn't think he ever wanted me to see that. Besides, I didn't want to open it either. It would be so hard; seeing something incredibly thoughtful and trying to forget about him all at the same time. It was some sort of battling force, so I just let everything be in that delicate balance I had somehow created. My mom and dad had been really happy on Christmas, and I think that boosted my spirit. That's so cheesy- the idea of Christmas spirit. But sometimes it's nice seeing other people happy, in the same way sometimes it's nice knowing someone has it worse than you. It just helps you get over whatever writhing snake had seemingly consumed the happiness out of your body, leaving its poisonous trail in places where you were already frantically panicking.

It was a new year, fresh start. It's really not, but I like to convince myself that it is anyways, no matter if I'm around the same people and am having the same struggles as I was last year. I didn't bother making resolutions. I used to, but I never got them done, ever. So now I had proclaimed it a waste of time and moved on with my life.

I felt trapped. Sure, the dorm rooms were small, but every day the walls felt like they were closing in, the room getting smaller and smaller each day. I was starting to suffocate in my own mind, choking out a cry for help between gulps of air. Like one day, the walls will completely close in, smashing myself and the candle man until we turn into a pulp; the sometimes annoying strands that show up when nobody wants them to. Maybe I should just join whatever cult he seems to be a part of, since that's worked out so well for no one before.

To be completely honest, I was trying to learn how to take care of myself in the midst of all of this. It's starting to sink in that I let my life be on the verge of destruction because of a number on a paper and a boy that I put myself into the hands of. If it was anyone else, I would say that it's ridiculous and we need to go out and have a fun time. I guess I suck at listening to myself and taking my own advice. Who would have thought? Fucking Apollo losing his fucking mind after already torturing his mind to pretend he's okay all the fucking time like a robot.

I was going out with Jinx and Kyra tonight. It was Saturday, so they had made me promise I wouldn't cancel on them, since all I wanted to do right now was lie down on my bed and not get up. But I know better than that. So I was going to force myself up, for the general betterment of myself, but also the well being of my roommate, who was probably really tired of seeing me mope around the room for a month. Holy shit, it's been a month.

It feels like everything happened yesterday, but at the same time, it felt like it had been a long year filled with sadness. Everything blurred together. I was just waiting for days to pass at this point, hoping one day, maybe the sun would show back up in my life. Funny, isn't it? Being named after the god of the sun and feeling like you got plunged into the depths of darkness. Maybe one day in the future, I would be able to laugh at the irony of it all. But right now, it just seemed like an empty laugh, a 'I can't believe this is how I ended up' even though it was playing out right in front of me.