One-shot Compilations

Realizations and Reflections

Have you thought of things about yourself that you were unable to think for so long because you were busy living your life? I know it sounds like a hell of an excuse, but it's true. This is not the kind of thing we can realize by just reflecting about it once. It's the awareness that comes after the re - execution and go through the things you have done in your life on several occasions and have this Eureka moment. Others call it over-thinking, but I want it to be positive, so let's just say, I am doing some sort of meditation and reflection.

I'm quarantined for the last 10 days now. I'm learning a lot about myself that I was not able to realize then. I know that if my friends read this, they'd think I lost my mind. When you're in quarantine, there's nothing else to do but eat, sleep, and think.

Since this is the province, people sleep at 6 o'clock and wake up at 5 o'clock the next morning. Well, I don't do that shit. Six in the evening is just the start of my day, but I can't go anywhere and there is no such thing as nightlife here. So I stayed in bed and thought about the things I did in my life. Ang dami kong narealize.

I finally figured out why prisoners should go to prison. It's for them to self reflect on what they did wrong and to plan how to become a better person. This is actually working very well for me.

"Natahimik ka diyan?" tanong sa akin ni Jack habang nag-uusap kami sa video call.

"Jack, have you realized things na ngayon mo lang narealize kasi  wala kang choice?" tanong ko sa kaniya. He gave me a confused look.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Self-reflection mga ganun lol," sabi ko at tumawa.

"Alam mo, the more you stayed there, the more you are changing and getting weirder. Pakiramdam ko totoo na talaga ang sinabi mo na magiging mature ka na," natatawang sabi nito. I pouted. "Congratulations! Malapit na ang graduation mo!"

"Gago ka talaga! Hindi naman sa ganun, but I think--ewan ko lang ha? Ang dami ko talagang narealize ewan ko lang. Mamamatay na siguro ako nito eh," sabi ko sa kaniya. I heard him say 'Gaga 'to', but I ignored him. "Alam mo may naisip akong gawin mo para makatulong sa problema mo."

"Ano?"

"Magpaquarantine ka rin," sabi ko sa kaniya at itinaas-baba pa ang kilay. He laughed at my words.

"Nababaliw ka na talaga, Ella," sabi niya sa akin habang umiling-iling. "So, tell me what you have reflected. Alam ko naman na gusto mo sabihin kaya mo sinabi 'to."

Ngumisi ako sa kaniya. Tama nga naman siya. I want to talk to him about what I reflected in my life. I just smiled at him and cleared my throat.

"Unang-una kong narealize was about my previous relationship. It was not only toxic just because of my ex, but also because of me as well," sabi ko sa kaniya.

"Okay?" he said. He seemed a little confused.

"I realized I was toxic too. Narealize ko na I was too hard with my ex. That I was already stepping on his ego as a man years ago. I was submissive to him, but I suddenly turned into that monster years ago. Pinaramdam ko sa kaniya na wala siyang kwenta at wala siyang ginawa para sa akin. Of course, finding a job is the only way for us to live and perhaps it leads to his insecurity. I made him feel that he was not enough and that he did nothing right.  I was so consumed with my own pain and suffering that I didn't realize that he's also human and was suffering too. I'm not defending him for fucking up and cheating several times, even after I forgave him ha? The point I'm trying to say is that I'm actually not a victim, but one of the suspects," sabi ko sa kaniya.   

Hindi nagkomento si Jack sa sinabi ko. He was just looking straight at his phone like he was staring at me.

"I made him feel guilty and miserable about the things he did not do. I was so close-minded sa lahat nang sinasabi niya. I never saw his sacrifices. I was so centered on my sacrifices. All this time, I thought I was sacrificing more than him, but now I've realized we both sacrifice something. Maybe not as much, but the fact that he sacrificed should not be invalidated. I was also focused on my losses in trying to keep the relationship intact and I criticized him for it. I didn't realize he was trying to settle things with me. I was too blinded to see the effort. I always have a rebuttal for his explanation, but then come to think of it, I never really tried to understand his side. I was so engrossed with entitlement that I could only see the damage that was done to me, not seeing that I was also inflicting damage to him."