For the past month I have had exactly three conversations with Lucy. One was when we were at Row's doctor appointment. The second one was when she told me she was going to pick up Paul. The last and most recent is one I don't want to talk about.
For one month, I have watched and helped her with anything she needs in silence. I don't think I'm walking around on eggshells, I try to talk to her, but she ignores me.
But today is different. For some fucking reason, today is the day I had to walk after grocery shopping to see her in the living room of the apartment, with Row on his playmat and Paul, who had been staying with Everett, asleep on the coffee table.
"Hey," I let out, making my way into the kitchen. Her head lifts up, but she doesn't respond, and instead she rubs our son's stomach. I start unbagging all of the groceries. Putting formula in the cabinet, and drinks in the fridge.
Once I finish putting everything away, I grab a water bottle from the fridge. I twist the plastic cap off and make my way into the living room. The tv is quiet, and playing some show for kids. I squat down by Row's mat and face him.
"Hey little man," my finger runs down his small arm, and then I pick him up. Luce is staring idly at the tv, "Has he eaten yet?" Her head jerks down at me like she didn't know I was there.
"Yeah. Yeah he ate when you left," I nod and look back at Row. He's awake and all smiley right now. I mimic his smile until her voice breaks the silence.
"I want to move back to San Diego."
My smile drops, and I fix Row in my arms so I don't drop him. His hands pat against my skin as I stare at her.
"What?" I'm dumbfounded, what the hell? She stands up and picks up the cat.
"I need to be somewhere where I have a support system, and so I can be away from here. Too much has happened, and I can't do anything without everyone walking on eggshells around me."
"What the hell? You have a support system here. You have Jenna and Will! You have me!" my voice raises, and I realize that Row has passed out in my arms. Before I can say anything else, I walk to his room to lay him down. Because if we're going to have this conversation, it needs to be baby free.
Once I get him situated and close his door, I walk back to the living room. Luce still stands in the same place, nad is still holding her fucking cat.
"So, when did you decide that you want to move back?" She rubs Paul's head, thinking.
"I don't know. Weeks," she walks back to the couch and sits. She grimaces because she's still sore, and has to watch her movement.
"Ok, so were you going to tell me, or. Or were you just gonna up and leave in the middle of the night? Where is Row going to go? Was he going with you or did you plan on leaving him and me here?" She flinches at the last part.
"No, I was going to talk to you about it. I swear," I can see the tears in her eyes form, "But. But You don't fucking understand. Everyone around me wants to help, but they can't! I want to go back to the old me, the one before all of this shit happened. How the hell am I supposed to just go back? I have a fucking baby, I'm going to fucking therapy, but being here is not making the issue better. Knowing that bastard is still alive makes me want to vomit! And you just sit there and act like everything. You act like everything is fine!" She's yelling now, and tears spill from her eyes.
"What the fuck do you want me to do!" I'm yelling now and frustration spills out of me, "I'm trying! I'm giving you the space you asked for, I tell everyone when they should come over based on how you are feeling! And you know what? Knowing that the bastard is still alive makes me want to go out and fucking kill him! But I can't, and you can't either. We don't run away from things because times get hard, but I get it." I shake my head and breath. A strangle laugh comes from the back of my throat, "I fucking love you!"
The air grows thick at my confession and her face is pale, "I'm going outside for a bit. I need to think and then we can talk about this later. Will texted me earlier, and he and Jenna will be here for dinner."
I walk down the hallway, and into my bedroom, and before I close my door I hear a sob echo from the living room. A tear falls slowly down my face as I open the balcony door.
-------
"How are you doing?" Will walks up beside me, startling me. He wasn't here when I came outside. I turned my head slightly to find him standing holding two glasses, "Drink?" He extends one of the glasses, but the lack of light makes it hard for me to make out what he's giving me.
"Thanks," I take it from his hand, and put the glass to my mouth. I down the drink in one quick gulp, and am pleasantly surprised to find that it is whiskey, "Oh god I thought this was Apple juice." I set the empty glass down on the railing after the initial shock wears.
"The fuck? Why would you think... never mind" Will laughs, nursing his own glass, "Why are you out here?"
I shake my head, "I needed to think." He looks at me curiously, but doesn't push. We both stand in silence, looking out at a busy Seattle.
"She wants to move back" I say out of nowhere.
"What?" Will's head shoots in my direction. I drag my hands across my face, thinking.
"Luce. She wants to go back to San Diego." Out of the corner of my eye, Will takes another drink from his glass. He doesn't ask me to explain in detail. But after think for hours, I understand why she wants to go back. Even though she didn't say much I know. Who would want to stay in the place where your ex boyfriend stalked and almost fucking killed you and your kid?
"Are you going with her?" Will takes a breath.
"I don't know," I take his drink from his hand and down it, "She told me earlier. The first time she actually talks to me, she says she wants to go back. Soon too I think."
The longer I've sat out here, the more I realize everything that I've missed. I have been acting like things were ok.
"She talks to Jen almost, if not, every night, but I try to let them do that on their own. Lucy has been through enough, and she's young, dude. Really fucking young, so if she wants to move back- temporarily or not- the best you can do is support her every way you can." I stay silent. He's always right. Every fucking time I need someone to tell me the hard truth of life, Will walks his way in and lets me know.
"I'm going back in, so you can think in peace," Will turns, leaving me alone with two glasses of whiskey and my thoughts. But that's interrupted when my phone rings.
It's an unknown number. I stare at the screen and let it ring before I answer.
"Hello?"
A/N Me for the past year
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It's finally here! I know it's a lil short, but bare with me. Thanks to all my ogs for sticking around. I don't have an excuse on why I didn't post but I've missed y'all a lot. And hello to all my new ppl! I can't say when the next chapter will be here but it will be here in the next few weeks (I'll post when I know for sure).
This is me trying - Taylor Swift
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