What You Caused

66.

Chapter 66 | Humiliation day pt1

Isabella:

I buckle up the seatbelt as I shuffle in my seat to get comfortable in Lucas' car, excitement coursing through me as Lucas recaps the agenda of our day out.

I'll admit I'm quit eager to see how this day is going to pan out and what each activity Lucas had planned will entail.

It might seem a little weird that Lucas and I have already become pretty friendly with each other but something in the air has definitely changed between us these last two months.

I had assumed that after I told Lucas everything, there would be distance between us and that I would find it uncomfortable to be around him but it's more or less the complete opposite of that situation.

To be fair, in January, there still had been a little distance between us. Other than the notes and the calls in the morning we didn't really talk or hang out.

By the beginning of February it was pretty much the same; we had hung out a few times with the rest of the group, but never really just with the two of us.

However, that had shifted as the end of the month had neared. Lucas' parents had left for another 2 weeks and I could sense that he was lonely so I had asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner a couple of times at my house and since then we've been talking and hanging out almost everyday. He's been briefing me slightly with what he's planning to do to make it up to me, just to ensure that I'm comfortable with his ideas and we've also just been sort of...venting to each other. He rants about his parents and I rant about my E.D and we're basically each other's personal therapists - a perk of that, is that Lucas surprisingly gives really good advice.

And as for not feeling uncomfortable around him, it is because I've been following Grace's suggestion and am trying to disassociate Lucas with my eating disorder.

I've realised that it isn't completely fair for me to just put all the blame of my E.D on Lucas. Sure what he did hurt a lot and did cause damage but he wasn't the only person who called me names on a regular basis, plus he was a stupid kid. I'm not saying I completely forgive him already or anything but with the way he is helping me and clearly putting in effort to make it up to me, I could in the future.

Plus I'm doing this for me. Getting rid of my grudge and forgiving him will be good for me, the negativity is making me bitter and is holding me back from moving on from the pessimistic feelings that caused my E.D in the first place and trigger the bad thoughts I have of myself.

I've realised the best way to disassociate Lucas from my eating disorder is by spending time with him and focusing more on the good memories I have with Lucas rather than the bad. Yes, I have a handful of bad memories with Lucas; the whole teasing and disrespecting my boundaries etc which stick out more than the good but again, it's only a handful.

Of course those 'bad' memories however, should not just be disregarded or forgotten just like that but right now, my first step is to stop making my brain see Lucas as someone to hate.

I've also talked about this with Lucas himself, that's another thing we've been working on - communication, and he has told me that he's also attempting to do that too with the whole notes situation and the various other things he's planning to do to make amends; he wants to replace all the horrible things he said and did with nicer acts and compliments.

It's not like we're besties or anything but it's clear by now that no matter what, our lives are intertwined and he's always going to be a part of my life even if I want him to be or not so I'd rather have a good view of him rather than bad if I'm always going to be around him.