*Authors Note*-Hey everyone! I've been crazy busy lately (expesually with school) so I appologize for not posting a new chapter in a while. I'm trying to catch up of school work, and hopefully get my writing scedule back to normal again soon. Okay now on with the story!-Author
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I take a deep, shaky breath, trying to compose myself for whoever is outside my door. I wipe my tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
"Y-yes?" I manage to ask. I couldn't help but notice the fragile sound of my voice. I stared at the door, waiting for whoever knocked to respond.
"Vanessa...can I come in?" I hear Nat's voice from outside my room. I feel a slight relief that it isn't one of the boys. I don't want Tony to see me in my vulnerable state, if he doesn't think I can handle being an Avenger I'll have to leave.
I gather myself as I sit up before I answer Nat, "Sure." The door hesitantly opened and Nat steps inside, closing the door behind her. I can see her concern as sees the state of me.
"Nessa..." is all she says, sitting next to me on my bed and giving me a hug. I gotta admit it felt nice to have someone hug me. I've always had a thing for personal space. Being trained in the Red Room and tortured all your life can do that to you.
I hug her back, weakly, due to my fragile state. The new nickname she gave me still rings in my ears. Nessa. Nessa. It has been so long since I have been called that. The only person to ever call me that was Lily. The name brings back bittersweet memories.
I pull back from Nat, sniff, and wipe away the few tears that escaped during our hug.
"I'm sorry for running out like that. I-I just hate remembering it." I admit.
"And I guess forcing myself to acknowledge that that was my life...just reminds me of everything I lost. It just. It just hurts." Nat rubs my arm comfortingly and I look up at her.
"I know Nessa. I know what it feels like to be ashamed of your past. To regret every decision you've ever made. To push away the memories, force yourself to forget, act like it never happened just to forget the pain. I know from experience, not unlike yours, that you can push that pain, those memories, so deep down that it can feel like it never existed. I did that my whole life, until just recently." I continue to listen intently to Nat's words, hoping she can provide some guidance.
"I rarely let people into my life. I rarely let people get to know me, the real me. This team, these people, this family changed that. They helped me see that I don't have to be afraid of my past. I don't have to hide all my pain, because pain is natural, and yeah it hurts but we survived. I hid the pain of my past deep and for a while, it worked. But it came back. I remembered it was all real, remembered the pain and the loss tied to my past. And it hurt like hell." I watch Nat's face as she talks. I can see the pain in her expression. She's remembering her past as she talks. She seems so calm, how?
"That pain never goes away. No matter how far down you push it, it will always come back. I used to hate it, cause yeah it hurt to remember the pain and the people I lost. But it also helped me remember the good parts, the calm surrounded by a storm. Remembering my past also reminded me of everyone who was in it, which I used to see as a constraint reminder that I had failed them. I know you feel the same, just remember them, Nessa. They wouldn't want you to forget them, or feel burdened with their pain just because you couldn't save them." When Nat says that I am instantly reminded of Lily. Did she know I had no idea it was her? Did she know I was sorry, that I was grateful she was with me through all the torture? I don't want to forget her, ever. She was my best friend for most of my life, I loved her like a sister. Nat's words add a warmer feeling to Lily's memory, a feeling I would have never associated with my past.
"Nessa, I know you're scared. Scared history will repeat itself and you will have to experience that pain all over again. Scared to inflict that pain onto others. I used to think that caring for people who cared for me was a weakness, putting them at higher risk. But friends, family, are the people that give us strength, make us stronger. Letting these people in was the most terrifying and rewarding decision of my life. Don't let your fear of hurting the people you love make you push them away. It took me a long time to realize that everyone deserves to be loved, Nessa, even you. And as soon as you realize that, any pain that comes your way, we deal with it together. We win, lose, cry, celebrate, and hurt, together, because that's what this team does, that's what family is." She pauses and I notice the warm smile that formed on her face at some point during her speech. I let her words sink in, absorbing every last letter. I return her warm smile.
"Thanks, Nat... I needed that." I say, pulling her into a hug.
"Of course Nessa. I just want to make sure that you know we are all here for you. No one knows more about regretting your past more than us. Trust me, we get it." She reassures. I smile and nod, not feeling so alone anymore.
"I'll understand if you need some more time alone, but later tonight we were all planning on having a game night," Nat says as she stands up, off my bed, and walks to the door.
"Yeah, that actually sounds...normal," I respond, offering her a small smile. Normal...sounds nice, I don't get a lot of normal.
"What about HYDRA? They are gonna try and get me and Bucky back." I mention.
"Tony has been working on finding them, he amped up the security so they can't get you again, I promise. We are making a plan, but for now, we have to wait." I nod. Nat opens my door.
"Wait..." I object. She pauses and looks back at me.
"I don't want to be alone right now. Would you mind staying with me?" I ask, timidly. Nat closes my door and smiles at me. I am trying to take her advice, and let people into my life. I fear that no matter what I do I will always have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, waiting for the worst to happen.
"Yeah. Let's see..." Nat starts, flopping next to me on my bed.
"Oh! We could watch some movies, and play some games! I'll text the boys to come and get us when they are playing games too." Nat says excitedly. I almost laugh at her stereotypical girl attitude. I grab the remote to the large flatscreen TV Tony put in my room and turn it on.
"Ok, so Hulu, Lifetime, HBOMax, or Netflix?" I ask, listing off the options on the TV. Nat looks up from her phone and scrunches her face in thought.
"How about Netflix?" she suggests. I nod and click on the icon. The screen goes black then the word "Netflix" is displayed across the screen, accompanied by the loud "Ba-Dum!" I continue to scroll down the movie options.
"Oh yeah!" Nat's voice surprises me and I look over to see what she was referencing.
"So now that we all know about your past and your powers, and I mentioned that we have been training a bit to the team." She explains. I nod my head to urge her to continue.
"Tony said he might consider you becoming part of the team, but he has to see you in action first." I stare, wide-eyed at Nat.
"Wa-what?" I ask.
"Yeah. I mean...only if you want to-"
"Of course I do!" I cut her off, "I would love to use my skills for good instead of evil. I just hope Tony doesn't hate me for what I've done." I admit sheepishly. I look at Nat, unsure of myself, she offers a comforting smile, putting my mind slightly at ease.
"Don't worry Nessa. We have all made mistakes in our past," Nat confirms, "But let's not worry about that now. Let's just enjoy a movie." I nod, clicking on one of the movies in the comedy section.
Is this what normal feels like?
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Damaged Goods
Fanfiction"I'll always remember you." Vanessa has been on the run from the Red Room academy ever since she was taken by hydra right before her graduation. With both organizations after her, she has been living a nomad's life, constantly moving. The fear that...
