Loves Me Not

FIFTY THREE

BEFORE
CATALAINA KITTRIDGE

I got into the swing of things pretty quickly.

I'm not going to lie, I was nervous in the beginning, especially when it came to meeting new clients. I was scared that they'd take advantage of me and try to rip me off, simply because I was a female. But the clients that Tony sent my way were nice. Most of them were just average people who were dealing with problems and needed a way of coping. See, that's the thing about stereotypes around drug users. I had this preconceived notion that I was going to be dealing with shifty, unkempt individuals. The junkies who'd rather spend their money on drugs than have groceries for the week. But that was a misconception. Most of the people I dealt with were friendly, average people, and we'd usually have good conversations. I tried not to pry or ask too many questions, but I found it fascinating to learn about their lives. Everybody is different. Everybody has a story.

I developed a routine for myself, because obviously I had to compartmentalize, just as Tony said. I set aside specific evenings each week to focus solely on the side business as I had come to call it. Tuesday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's were dedicated to that. The rest of the days I spent living my normal, everyday life. I went to work every day as normal, then had some me-time on the weekends. I'd go for long walks, read new books, or go to the mall. Ben and I would settle in for the evening and watch a movie together. Life was going pretty decently for me at this point.

I felt like I was living a double life. I had become two separate people, maintaining two lives simultaneously. It was risky and dangerous and I knew I could get caught at any moment, but it was exhilarating. Living on the edge made me feel alive. And all I longed for lately was to feel something.

I was getting along with Ben more. I think the distractions in my life – the side business and Dominic – helped with that. I wasn't thinking about Ben as much, and when I wasn't thinking about Ben, I wasn't having conflicting thoughts, reconsidering our whole relationship. I kept him at arms-length, which I think was a healthy distance. Not too close to suffocate me, but not too far that I'd miss him.

I was still seeing Dominic on the odd occasion when I needed something else to do with my time. As if I wasn't already busy enough as it was. But I had developed a close friendship with Dom and I still wanted him in my life, regardless of the upcoming wedding. However, after July eighteenth, I wasn't sure what I was going to do with him.

I couldn't tell him about the side business. He'd ask too many questions, begin wondering how I even got started with the whole thing. That would mean I'd have to admit to going through his phone and reaching out to his supplier behind his back. That wouldn't end well. So for now, I kept him in the dark. The less he knew, the better.

I think that worked best for a lot of people in my life. Ben, Dom, Scarlett, Holden, Tori, Taylor... the less these people knew, the better. Because what they didn't know couldn't hurt them. I may have kept them living in ignorance, but at least that was better than knowing the truth.

______

I had been successfully maintaining the side business for two weeks. I was making a fair amount of money for myself, and the other sixty percent I handed over to Tony at the end of each week. If I'm being honest, I wasn't even doing it for the money – that was just an extra bonus. I was doing it for the thrill it brought me. But in regards to the financial aspect, I hadn't quite worked out what to tell Ben yet. Perhaps I wouldn't tell him at all. It was my money. I could do whatever I wanted with it.

I'd never been a materialistic person and I didn't require much. The majority of my money went to bills, groceries, and food. I'd buy myself clothes on the odd occasion, but nothing too fancy. I tended not to wear makeup or jewelry, so that saved a lot. I went out once in a while with Scarlett and spent some money on drinks, but other than that, I had always been pretty good with saving my money. Whatever cash I had left for myself at the end of the week went into my little savings. I stashed the money in my bookshelf until I could find somewhere else to put it.

One evening, Ben and I finished eating dinner and decided to watch a movie. I opened a bottle of Chardonnay and made some popcorn. We sat on the couch and watched American Beauty. The night was going well. Or so I thought.

After the movie, Ben turned off the TV. I got up and began picking up the bowls and empty glasses. I returned to the living room from the kitchen and Ben was staring at me.

I stopped in my tracks and stared at him. "What?"
"Come here," he said.
My heart plummeted in my chest. What did he find out? There was so much he could have found out...
I walked forward and took a seat on the couch next to him, waiting.
"Do you love me?" he asked.
I made a face. "Of course I love you. Why are you even asking that?"
"Do you want to be with me?"
"Why are you saying this?"
He waited a moment before responding. "Those two questions," he said. "Are questions that you have asked me in these past few months."
I swallowed, not saying anything. He was right.
"Why?" he said to me. "Why do you ask me these things?"
I shrugged. "I don't know. Sometimes I'm just not sure. I don't feel adequate enough for you."
"Why would you ever think that?"
"Because you're incredible and I'm..." I paused and looked down at my hands. "Mediocre at best."
"We both know that's not true, so let's drop the self-pity act, alright?"
My head shot up and I met his eyes. "What?"
"You've asked me, so now I'm asking you," he said. "Do you truly want to be with me?"
"Of course!"
"Because it sure as hell doesn't feel like it sometimes."
"Why? Because we fight and disagree about stupid things?"
"No, it has nothing to do with that. All couples fight. That's normal. What's not normal is the way you act. You're so distant, like you're in another world."
"I don't know what you're referring to."
"And these past few months," he continued. "It's like you're a whole different person. The things you say and don't say, the way you act around me, how we are together as a couple – it's changed, Catalaina. And don't tell me that you haven't noticed."
I pursed my lips together, wanting to blow up and say a million things, but knowing very well how that would end. So I bit my tongue. "I'm sorry."
"Do you even want to get married?" he asked.
And there it was. My God-sent moment. The perfect opportunity to back out and call this whole thing off. I should have seized it while I had the chance.
But I didn't. I couldn't.
I hesitated a moment too long and he thought I was about to say no. I grabbed his hands quickly and held them in mine. I looked into his eyes. "Ben," I said. "Of course I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I've never loved anyone the way I love you. Why can't you see that?"
He was quiet for a moment, staring back into my eyes, as though he was unsure of what to say.
Finally, he broke the silence. "I'm glad you said that. Sometimes you make me feel like you're having doubts. And I wish you'd talk to me about these things and be more vocal."
"I know, you're completely right. I'm sorry."
"I love you," he said.
"I love you."

I said what I said and I meant it. I did want to be with Ben. But I also didn't want to be with Ben, if that makes sense. I'm not sure how it's possible to want two contradictory things at once.

Either way, I had to start being careful now. If Ben was catching onto the fact that I was acting different, then it meant that I was failing at separating my two lives. I needed to try harder. I needed to blend in seamlessly.