Even The Playing Field | BOOK #1 IN THE PSU SERIES

thirty-two

Naomi Black

I laid in bed that night unable to sleep.

The moonlight had turned into subtle sunlight.

I watched as it changed.

I laid on my side facing the window, my head rested on the pillow while I traced marks into my skin with my fingertips. Like Matti would when we were watching a movie. Or before we would go to bed.

I longed for that feeling.

I craved that feeling.

His lips, how they curved into that devilish smirk. His voice, how it sounded in the morning. Or how it sounded scratchy after a practice or a game. His calloused hands. His hair. His eyes held so much light.

His personality. How he could make me feel better in seconds. Or how he could break my heart just as fast.

Matti Williams was a man that needed no introduction around campus because he was the focal point of Happy Valley.

I pressed my right hand against my cheek to cup it like he would. I fluttered my eyes closed and pictured him. His smirk, his voice, his contagious laugh. Him.

It was my choice, it was a selfish choice.

I wasn't a coward for it.

I just wanted to go home at night and know I wasn't relying on someone else to fuel my happiness when I had worked so hard for so long to be content on my own. With all of the messed up shit Matti had done and with my reactions—I did need to pull back.

I thought I needed to pull back.

I had major issues because I wanted Matti more than he wanted me. But I was reluctant. After the Blake lecture yesterday, maybe I shouldn't dwell on the past. But I was hurting. I was not a coward. I had trust issues. I had been hurt before by men.

I couldn't sleep at all last night. I was fucking consumed by my thoughts. What I could've had. What I should've done differently. What I did wrong. What I did right.