The King

NOT AN UPDATE-Calm yourselves

Hii 

Here's a short story for you guys;

I started The King when I was 17. It was first year university and I had soo many gaps in between classes. So I used to sit for hours and think and work on the story during those hours. Back then, Bluebell was entirely based on me. 

I always wondered how I would behave if I was in a relationship with a strong man like Arthur. Or any man really. I believed I would be emotional, unstable, self deprecating and I probably wouldn't even believe his love cause who on earth could love me anyway. 

At the time I was coming out of severe anxiety, depression, and PTSD that lasted from the age of about 13 up until the age of 16. I still wasn't okay but at the start of my degree I started therapy and was committed to get my shit together. So instead of feeling all the intense emotions, I numbed myself and lost (a good amount of) the anxiety, the fear, and the ability to give a single shit.

I'm 20 now, doing my internship and graduating university in a couple of months if god is willing. Unfortunately, when I got my emotions together I lost touch with Bluebell who isn't me anymore. 

I'm proud to say that back then I used to not believe I deserved anyone. Lmao now I believe no one deserves me. Oh how the tables turned. 

Don't get me wrong, I still believe that no one could love me. I just don't care anymore. Someone wants me? cool. No one wants me? great, I have more important things to worry about anyway. 

There's a lot going on at the moment.

My mom is in the hospital severely ill cause she has Covid. I have to study for my remaining university class and I need to finish the tasks given to me by my work, not to mention stressing over the fact that I'm literally graduating uni (in a pandemic no less) in a couple of months and have no idea where I'm going to work or what I want to do with my life (have I mentioned I'm going out into the world in a pandemic?)

Summary? I'm going through a lot. HOWEVER,

I haven't abandoned the story. 

It only seems right to end the story when I'm leaving Uni since I started the story when I started Uni. I just need to do it in a way that is true to who Bluebell is even if I can't relate to her as much anymore. 

I'm honestly very proud of myself as I write you this. I never would have expected myself to grow emotionally this much. I'm writing this as hope to all the readers who told me they relate to Bluebell. This is for everyone who felt like her or feel like they will never get better. 

You can. But it's not a steady road. You'll relapse. You'll freakout. You'll go back to whatever it is you promised you'll never do again. It's okay. It's part of the process. Trust the process. You can do it. 

If I can go to having a panic attack when pumping gas thinking the car will explode or closing my eyes and holding my breath whenever the car I'm in is lane changing to actually driving, you can do whatever it is you need to do too. Give yourself time. 

Okay cool nice talk.

Take care of yourselves and for the love of god, watch out for your parents and the elderly. 

February 25, 2021

1:20 pm Abu Dhabi Time.