Sasquatch to the Moon

37: Nowhere to go but Forward

take note of the P.O.V i wanted to take in her view but didn't know how to do that without a switch up so here it is. 

REYNA

It... it wasn't what I was expecting on a random afternoon. I wasn't expecting to get a call at the grocery store while I was competing with Jan to be the first to find something for his dad. I wasn't expecting Mr Svoboda to pick it up and go pale before putting his hand over his mouth and mumbling 'really? It can't be.' before looking to us and saying 'he's home, you brother-' to us, whatever that meant.

I didn't process it in the slightest. I just stood there, staring at him, my somewhat surrogate father of a year and a half. My brother as in the one I hadn't seen in 10 years. My brother as in the pro-athlete. My brother as in the favorite child of my mom. My brother who I hold some dumb balance between longing and resentment for.

I wasn't prepared to walk back into Jan's house and see the gangly guy with dad's body type and dad's hair and dad's laugh and dad's smile, who looks like every photo of Dad when he was young I've ever seen. I couldn't figure it out, I couldn't process it, I just existed with it. And then he hugged me and it felt like mom and I dunno, I just, I can't figure out my feelings about it. I can't figure out what I feel about any of it.

I don't even know what to say as he laughs and hops down to the shore of the little lake, pointing at the spot where our sailboat was docked the last time he saw it and then asking me where it went. Truth be told, it's been dry docked in our garage since he left. Dad lost his son and thus Dad also lost any ambition he had to finish fixing it up.

And that's the resentment. I resent him because he took Mom. I resent him because he wrecked that part of my childhood. I resent him because he, I don't know, he left. He didn't try to talk to me again. And then he showed up out of the blue.

But at the same time I long for that connection again. I want him to be my brother again and I want to be back in his life and I want to be close to him because apparently he's the same goofball he was when he left and god I missed that. I know it wasn't his fault and I know he could've done nothing to stop it and I know I know I know that if he hadn't done it first it would've been me. I would've been the one mom had to take, Milo would've been the one to watch Dad fall to bits, Milo would've been living with the Svoboda's, Milo would've been, I dunno, Milo would've been me, in my position. And as I watch him skip rocks and yammer at me in that atrocious American accent about his boyfriend (who sounds like he's amazing, truly truly amazing) and the wedding he was just at and his job, I'm reminded, this poor boy inherited his ADHD from Dad too.

To be honest, all of that must have sucked for Mom. All of him must suck for Mom. She has to love her son, I know she does, that's Mom, but I can't imagine waking up to the spitting image of the man who shredded your family every damn morning for ten years and having to keep it from him that he's just like the father that wrecked him in every imaginable way. The longer I talk to him about dad, the longer I'm convinced Dad was not mentioned a single time since he was thirteen.

He was even named after his father. Miloš from Miloslav. She had to struggle through years of watching him grow up to look and act and laugh like his dad and call him by his dad's nickname and all of that and not tell him just because she knew his dad destroyed parts of him he could never get back.

He hides it just fucking like his father too. They both make the same type of stupid jokes to cover it up and they both, god, both of them.

But, of course, there's a lot more Miloš than Miloslav in him. He's goofy in a sarcastic and bitchy way and Dad's goofy in a dad joke and dry humor way. Miloš is energetic and excitable and Dad's tamer. Miloš is bold and almost a little too undaunted so far, Dad makes more calculated decisions. I only say that because I had to stop Milo from going for a swim by grabbing his shirt and stopping him from falling.

I just wanna know what it's gonna be like when two of my Dad try to apologize to one another. Milo doesn't need to apologize, but Dad better be ready.

I text him while Milo messes around trying to make a rock cairn.

REY: be ready when you get home there's someone here to see you

DAD: better not be jan telling me he wants your hand in marriage missy you are too young for that

REY: it's not jan, but I appreciate the concern

DAD: oh good, I've been dreading the day that boy sits at my damn kitchen table with that dumb little look on his face

REY: Jan doesn't like me, dad, it's okay

DAD: i wouldn't be too sure about that

REY: dad.

DAD: rey.

REY: dad

DAD: rey.

Milo looks up at me, rocks tumbling down again. "Kinda awful luck our parents had with us, huh."

"What?" I set the phone back down again.

"Both of us are into men. I mean, that's just a shitty card to be dealt. Men. Ick."

"You're-" I squint at him. "Okay, you're right, you're completely right. I think Mom was counting down the hours until she had a daughter in law."

He laughs. "She's getting a son in law from me and a son in law from you. I guess it's just a trade off because she didn't have to go through the in-law shit to get a daughter." There's a pause at the end of his sentence, then: "how is he?"

"In what context?"

"I don't know," Milo looks at me, a blank sort of feeling behind his eyes. "I'm just not sure what to expect from this."

"I'm not sure either. He'll probably be surprised to see you and then try to apologize, though I assume you were probably expecting something like that."

He puffs out a breath, inflating his cheeks, then slouching down a little more. "I only really wanted to come back for you, to be honest. I didn't think as far ahead as to what I'd do if dad was anything but the asshole I left here."

I stare at him for a long few seconds, trying to come up with a response. "I don't think there's anything that you could do wrong. I've been watching him tear himself up over this for a decade now, just a constant dull grief, I'm not sure that there's any way you could go in there and not have him react well, nervous and scared, but excited. No part of him holds any of that hatred anymore and honestly I think he's exhausted in all aspects. You'll be good for him to see again."

"Exhausted?"

"Tired, yeah," I confirm, rolling a little stone in my fingers. "Tired of being alone, tired of the guilt, tired of knowing how shitty he was, tired of most of it. He's tired of beating himself up over it but the second he's not he still feels bad because then he feels like he's not getting his karma for what he did. He feels as though he needs to be in constant pain in order to make it even, even though he's already educated himself and fixed everything he could."

Milo is just staring at me, a flicker of sadness behind his eyes. "I just don't know how to feel. The little kid in me wants to forgive him and keep going and play like nothing even happened but he's caused me so much pain I don't even know if I could do that fully."

"I guess you'll just have to see."

"I figured as much, I mean, there's nowhere to go but forward."

***

this one's shorter but the next one is a doosey

we'll see if i can keep this under 100 chapters idk

-rabid