16. ANOTHER LONG STORY

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Chapter 16: ANOTHER LONG STORY

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Alex's POV:
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I have avoided Black's mansion like a deadly disease since the engagement party in fear of running into him. The anxiety I would feel in his presence, the awkwardness that plausibly had multiplied because of what happened last time, all of it was too much for me to even think about.

But it's been a week, a long week, a terribly distraught and restless one. I look pale like I haven't been sleeping, I tried hiding it, but putting up a fake smile is more exhausting than ever and now even my mother is concerned. She didn't say anything, but I see it, she's not good at hiding it. A couple of days ago when I had come with my mom, Jensen wasn't here... I assumed he was at work, but Jenny told me he was at his own place, I guess it's the same today. He no longer sends me flowers or notes, it's like he finally gave up.

This is what I wanted right... but then why, why do I feel this disappointment? This sadness that I have no right to feel?

"I'm in love with you." Those words in his deep voice haunted my nights and my daydreams. How I wish I could have said something equally beautiful.

I didn't think it was possible for him to love me, I'm stubborn and headstrong, not perfect by a long shot, we were barely together, but even as I think this I know I'm giving bullshit reasons to justify myself. Jensen and I, we related on an immeasurable emotional level, the deep physical attraction was there, but the connection that we shared was rare and precious. I can't believe I want to throw it away as if it comes along every other day...

I was a mess that day, my heart said something while my head opposed it, I was standing there in front of him, torn in two with tears in my eyes. And I don't even remember what I said, all I know is that my words put that shadow of pain and heartbreak on his handsome face and I couldn't watch it knowing I was the one who put it there.

Fuck! I'm a terrible person...

I didn't want to recount everything from that night, but Kate had called and I had to tell her. I couldn't that night, she was drunk off her mind and I was in a chaotic emotional state. After I told her everything she was silent for a moment.

"So you're going to let him believe that it's his fault when in reality none of you had any control over it," Kate spoke through the phone, as I struggled to pull my shoes on using only one hand.

Her words struck, and I froze with only one shoe on, staring ahead while I saw nothing. As much as I hated to accept it, it was true, Kate knew she was right from my silence.

This wasn't something new, I've been pondering and breaking my head over this whole situation for a while now, and Kate knew, she also knows just how to provoke me and to ask all the right questions.

He would feel guilty and blame himself for who knows how long if he doesn't find out the truth.

It wasn't his fault, never. If anyone is to be blamed it's me. I should have been clear about what it means to be with me. I shouldn't have led him on after my resignation, I should have been more resolute. But I was weak before him, he was sweet and persuasive and I always wanted just another moment, another hour, another day...

I always thought we'd date, get to know each other and I'll tell him before it got serious, but we entirely skipped that part and dove into the deep end pretty quickly. I didn't even realise how it happened but with him it was never light casual and so there was never a good time to come clean... so it piled on.

Kate continued speaking, "You think he's too wounded and can't take it if you tell him the truth. For someone who always complains about how we all are constantly walking on eggshells around you, this doesn't seem like something you would do."

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