Tattoos and Scars | Rewritten Version

Chapter 73 || Tears

make sure you vote ♥️ i also cried during this chapter T-T 

listen to "Drive Forever - Remix" by Sergio Valentino and xakavir because that's what i listened to while writing this. idk why, but it made me sad :( 

or just listen to whatever song that makes you sad. 

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Bailey

When Adrian came over to my apartment, he looked unreadable. He was wearing a baggy pink shirt and gray sweatpants. He walked straight up to me and gave me a huge, tight, hug. There was something different about this hug. It felt insecure, as if he was trying to hold onto me as I was slipping away from him.  

I was confused.

"I love you," He mumbles against my chest, as he places his head onto my lap and stretches his legs as far as he can on my couch, which still leaves his legs folded. I don't ask why he wanted to be so cuddly, because honestly, I want him to.

"I love you too," I tell him as I pet his hair. I feel something wet on it and look at my hands to see blood. "Adrian, did you murder someone and then come over to be a baby in front of me?!" I fume. He doesn't reply. Instead, he stares at the floor and suddenly, I feel bad for yelling at him.

"Am I a monster?" He asks, after a long silence. "Tell me the truth, Bailey. You've seen me kill people. I'm heartless, I'm cold and merciless. I'm a monster. I don't care about other people. Only a few. I'm not normal. Normal people can care about a few, but they don't run knives down another man's lover. They don't torture people and they don't sell weapons illegally."

"No, Adrian. You're not a monster. You don't have horns or fangs or fur. You're human," I didn't know to answer him, so I gave him a literal answer. He looks up at me from my lap, his green eyes dilating. He looks so overcome with guilt and pain that it sent a sharp pain through my heart.

"You know what I mean. I've hurt so many people and... and today I killed a man's lover. I killed her. I slit her throat because I wanted to get a single name out of a man's mouth. I slit his best friend's throat and his sister's throat. In the end, he told me. You know what else he said? 'I have nothing to live for anyway.' Then he begged me to kill him as well," Adrian's voice sounds choked up. For the first time, Adrian sounds like he's going to cry.

"I didn't kill him. He's still back at base, tied up. With no way to kill himself. I didn't kill him because he has more information. You know what I promised I'd give him if he told me everything? I promised him death. That's all I can ever promise anyone. Death."

"Adrian, that's all anyone can ever promise to someone..." I tell him softly.

"I'm a selfish monster," He continues. "All I've ever done is for selfish purposes. I made friends with Blake because he's smart and would help me read, and made friends with Anna because Blake hung around her a lot and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't even cry when my mom died. I didn't cry when the woman who birthed me died because I was happy she would be out of my life. I only send money to my biological father because he's my only link to a precious dock. Even in that accident, I swerved to save myself and let the little boy die. I'm selfish."

"Shut up," I tell him. "You're not a selfish monster. You love Blake and Anna now, and your mother never treated you right so you didn't have to cry for her. Your father never played a role in your life, so why would you send him money if it doesn't benefit you? You didn't kill me because Anna didn't want you to. You didn't have a selfish motive for that. You're not selfish Adrian, so don't call yourself that."

"I don't even know why you're dating someone like me. You deserve a normal person. Someone who doesn't have a fucked life. Someone who doesn't kill a man's reason to live. Someone who isn't a monster. You left your dad because you wanted out of the violence, and now you got tangled in more violence and bloodshed. You should be leaving me. I never did anything to make someone stay," Adrian sounds damn near ready to cry.

"Baby, I've told you. I'm here to stay," I tell him. How many times did I have to repeat this to him? He kept returning to the same insecurity that I'd leave him. I wouldn't leave him until my death.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? I love you."

"Why? I'm a murderer. I could kill you the next second. I have a gun with me. So tell me why you're not afraid."

"Because I know you won't kill me, dammit!"

"Why do you know that? What have I ever done to earn your trust? I've kidnapped you, I've broken your heart and I've yelled at you, I've hurt you." I run my hands through his hair softly bending down and planting a kiss on his forehead.

"Adrian, you've killed people before, why are you talking about it now?"

"I saw you. I saw you when I killed his lover," He sits straight up, and looks straight into my eyes. "I thought I killed you."

I observe him silently, not knowing what to say. His eyes are bloodshot red, and he swallows, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down. "I'm right here, Adrian."

"You don't have to be. I ignored your voice when I was torturing the man. I ignored you when I killed his everything. You should be looking at me with disgust, not love," He tells me. Dammit! What do I have to tell him to let him know that I would love him forever?!

"Just let me hold you," I tell him. "You can cry."

"I don't deserve to feel sad after what I did," He replies, still not coming closer to me. Instead he backs away. "I don't cry."

"I love you, Adrian," I tell him. "I wouldn't have you any other way. If I wanted you some other way, I wouldn't even bother to change you. I'd just move on to the next man who goes to college and is going to work at Microsoft. But I fell in love with you, so don't tell me to fall out of love with you."

Just as I tell him that, he breaks. He breaks and tears being to flow out of his eyes. I rush towards him and wrap my arms around him delicately as his shoulders shake ever so slightly. I rub my thumb under his eye, wiping his tears only for more to flow out. I can't stop them, and I shouldn't stop them.

"I love you, Adrian. I love you."

"I don't f-fucking deserve you," He cries into my shoulder.

I couldn't see him cry like this. Fucking hell, it hurt. It hurt so bad, but I knew that he had to let it out. Soon, I found a tear rolling down my face as well, but I didn't cry after that. I couldn't let him see me cry or he would start trying to calm me down.

"I love you," I murmur in his ear. "I love you a lot."

So just like that, I held him for a long time. But it was nothing, because I was going to hold onto him forever. 

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a/n: omg seeing adrian cry makes me cry. and yes, i did tear up while writing this chapter 😭

did you cry? 

if so, then yay! not in that way, but i'm glad it made u feel the intended emotion. 

if u didn't... 😖 

anyway, i hope you liked this chapter! i love you! ♥️