Sunflower Reviews

Lizona - The Haunted House

Reviewer: Lizona (persephoinis )

Review: The Haunted House

Client: khushi_rawat900

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Cover

The background image used in the cover sits well with the spooky element of the story. However, I would highly recommend changing the font and the placement of the title since it makes it hard to read and the font doesn't at all go with the horror genre. Also, the author's name is barely visible, and enlarging it would help. 

Title

The title of your story is absolutely perfect with the plot, although it is way too mainstream. There are literally hundreds of paperback books and a few Wattpad books already there with that name and I don't think that it would much interest the readers while picking your book. So, I would highly recommend renaming it and use a more interesting one.

Blurb

I'm so sorry to say this but your blurb has nothing. In fact, it looks like you didn't even pay enough attention to it and just wanted to get it done with!

There are just two lines that depict the very cliché trope of the haunted house in every story. I think you should reconstruct it immediately. Here are some points that you can use:

v Introduce your protagonist. However, make sure that you don't tumble too much info and let it play out in the story. Maybe you can start with something like:

"Serena and Flair – two best friends since childhood finally visit the city of workaholics and busy traffic – New York, for their jobs..."

v Hook in your readers with the conflict. This is a very important thing for a blurb and was also something that was missing in your blurb. Whenever someone writes a story, there is a presence of conflict – that has to be overcome by the protagonist or the consequences must not be pleasing. In your case, the conflict is the mystery of the house.

v The consequences. You can end it with something foreboding like :

"They need to find out the answers fast otherwise, they might never escape the unending horrors of the house."

Plot & pacing

Your plot though familiar is very interesting and intriguing. I have read a lot of stories with a similar storyline but I am still a sucker for classical horror. Also, I liked it that one of the friend's sister knew about the house's aloofness already and was trying to protect them. I also love gore and from how much I have read, I'm completely impressed and intrigued. That's why I believe that your book has potential and with the perfect amount of polishing, I think it will be an amazing piece of work.

I also have nothing to say about your pacing. It's totally okay but I do recommend using strong endings in your chapters for keeping the readers hooked.

Writing Style & Grammar

I don't know what to say about your writing style without sounding rude. It just seemed like you scribbled something roughly whatever was on your mind.

They moved out of the house...

When they came outside, they were shocked as hell every building's light was coming....

Flair – what the hell???!!

Sarena – Jesus what is happening? Call the electricity department.

Flair – shit! We both left our phone..."

Firstly, this is NOT AT ALL how you write. I don't even know what to say your mistakes are because there is literally everything wrong with this.

Now, let's say you want to write your story is not the typical narration way but in the form of acts and scenes (much like how scripts are written).

Then your writing should be something like this:

"The door suddenly opens.

Flair and Sarena share a look and move outside hurriedly.

They glance at their surroundings to find the electricity on in every household.

Flair – 'What the hell?!'

Both hers and Serena's mouths drop at the sight residing in front of them.

Sarena – 'Jesus! What the hell is happening?! Should we call the electricity department?'

Flair – 'Shit! We both left our phones at home.' "

If you use this type of writing style then your main focus should be the speech and conversations, not the narration. You have to express the emotion and setting through minimum words invested in your narration and mainly in your conversations.

And if you want to opt for the common narration type, then your writing should be something like:

"The double doors in the entrance suddenly fly open, causing a loud thud to crack through the chilled silence in the room as the wood crashes against the wall. The cold gust of winds hurtles into the room with aggression - startling both Flair and Sarena.

Their heads immediately snap towards it as a dry gasp drifts past Flair's lips. Beside her Sarena's hands shoot up to her mouth – adrenaline and fear racing painfully through her veins.

..."

This is how it should flow. I'm not telling you to write the exact words I have written because obviously, our writing styles are different. But what I'm saying is that when you are narrating, focus on the setting and the world-building. Play with the words. Don't just write it for the sake of writing. Feel the words. Feel the setting and characters' emotions and actions around you.

Apart from this, your writing was filled with tense errors, capitalization errors, run-on sentences, wrong punctuations, etc etc.

Character development & Setting

There was absolutely null information about your setting due to your writing style.

And about the character development? I don't think there was much depth in any of your characters and I highly recommend re-writing and investing in an editor. Also, I suggest describing the surroundings and the interior of the house they are living in. That will give the readers a visual image of what to expect.

Personal Enjoyment

If I am going to rate your story plot-wise, then I am really intrigued. However, if I judge it overall, I think I couldn't really enjoy it much due to your writing style and countless errors. If you want your readers to truly admire your hard work, then I suggest you putting some more effort into it and polishing the book because I do believe that it has the potential to do better.

Hope I wasn't too harsh (and if I was, I'm sorry) and that you can actually benefit from this review. Good luck! You've got this!