Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

42 - Getting Help

After this, there's only one more chapter (two if I decide to post the NSFW scene)
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Ignoring my mother's eyes as I make my way through the house and up the stairs, I find Benicio at the end of his bed, miserable and bouncing his leg anxiously.

I'm blunt, with little interest in being in his presence, "I hope you know I can't forgive you. I can't. Not right now. I don't know if ever. All this has been terrifying for me. I don't know if I can trust you won't do some shit like this to me again. If you knew so much about me, my anxiety, you should've known I can't handle this. I'm trying now but if this would've been worse, I..."

I swallow, "You're lucky things are slowly working out. I was ready to cut you off. Completely. I don't believe in signs, but if this is one, this is all you're getting"

His mouth parts with too many words and no idea where to start. I would've thought he had that figured out with all the time he had to think.

I turn around, doubting I was ready at all to talk to him. I'm angry. I've never been able to hold a grudge, but this awakened something in me and it's sitting in the pit of mind like a bomb ready to destroy itself at any second.

"Wait" He wipes down his face with the inside of his hands, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry Mateo"

I know I have a problem. I wasn't like this before but something set me off. At the wrong time. I'm sorry. You remember, uh, before Christmas? The dinner? Dima wasn't there?"

I nod, crossing my arms, not seeing where this was going.

"She started acting different. Sometimes she didn't feel like she was..." He shakes his head not giving too much away, "She told me that week, she told me she thinks she doesn't love me anymore. She broke up with me. And I have a feeling I know why"

My eyebrows furrow, confused. They've been together forever. They were the epitome of perfect, mutual love. I didn't believe it.

"Why? Is she with someone else? Is she cheating on...?"

He snaps, "She wouldn't do that"

He stops, calming himself down, "People fall out of love, Mateo. I thought I had everything right. That I knew everything"

My newly awoken temper leaps in and I weaponize his own words against him, "So you lashed out at me for some girl?"

"Wh—shes not just some—!" He trips over his words from rage and catches himself again, "...we were in love. Like I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Marriage. Kids some day. Living together. A house. Picket fence. Everything, Mateo. Are you in love?" He defends accusingly.

"No. Eventually. I don't know" Its a dodgy answer but I'm serious and unbending, "But I deserve to find that out for myself, Benicio"

He clenches his jaw and looks down at his hands, "I know. I know–I'm sorry"

"What about Christmas? You said you went to her house"

"I lied. I couldn't stand being at home. You were starting to act different. Every time I couldn't be with her, I thought you'd be there. And then you weren't. And the things I know...Jasper. Which" He glances up at me, "I'm learning. I won't tell you. It...it doesn't even matter anymore. It's in the past. He'll tell you when he's ready. I just got so angry"

His leg starts to bounce again, "I don't know what Dima's thinking. I didn't know. I didn't know what you were doing. And even when I started piecing it together, I still didn't know where or why. I didn't have control. Even when she told me, I didn't have control. I was thinking about all the possibilities and the lines started to blur. This is new to me. I don't know how to work myself out. Ma y apá never taught us this stuff"

I did empathize with him. He's clueless. He can exercise his ass off but he doesn't know where to start in his mental health. He's hurting.

But so am I.

"That's still not an excuse"

He closes his eyes for a moment, "I know I can't do anything to fix it or make it up to you. To anyone"

Benicio stops moving his leg and looks me in the eyes, "I'm...Im getting help. I-I asked Jasper where he–and he told me our school has free counseling. Therapy. Anger management. I'm working on it. Dad said if that doesn't work, if I don't like the staff we can find someone else"

He stands up, "I'm sorry, I am. I'm a dick. Insensitive. Im too reckless and too quick to jump to conclusions to let myself understand people. Sometimes...I hurt people when Im not okay. And...I wanted to tell you that I think you should try it too. You've been dealing with this for too long. The anxiety. You keep too much to yourself. And I get why. But you're my little brother no matter what I said. I was never mad because maybe you like guys now. Or whatever it is. The confusion, the fact it was Jasper and that even he was keeping shit away from me right under my nose...it just added to it. If you think you need it, give it a go"

We stand by in a colorless limbo. I know it isn't enough. He's my brother. Fuck respecting the biological institutions of family bonds, but also...

He's my brother.

"I'm not going to make this any easier on you" I remind him.

"I don't expect you to"

Benicio sits back down like he needs to, connecting elbows to his knees, and rubs his hands together fidgeting in a way he's never done before.

"So you talked to Jasper...?"

"Yeah, uh, talked. Didn't go great. Definitely not friends. But...acquaintanceship status is still on the table with some luck. How, how about you?"

"No. Not since. I couldn't anyway. He doesn't know where I am. I don't have my phone. Or my car. I had to wait until abuela was asleep to Uber here"

He frowns, guilt.

"Right."

I can't take it anymore, "Look Benicio, I need time. A lot of it. I don't want to be here. I want to go home. I'm tired. This was more than enough talking for me for one day" I want some aspirin and a nap. This is too much.

"I'm leaving. But–" I pause in the middle of the doorway and close my eyes hoping I don't regret this, "I'm not cutting you out"