'for as long as i live' remus lupin x reader

chapter 7

authors note- hey!!
just wanted to clear a couple things up about remus + the marauders in this story before this chapter starts,
-sirius died along with lily + james
-wolfstar never existed (sorry!!)
that's all, hope you enjoy <3
(sorry it's a shorter chapter than normal)

R.J Lupin-
I feel like I'm getting closer to finally understanding Y/N. We had a major breakthrough before- the bruises she left were well worth it, a little bit of the wall she keeps up around herself broke down, although it was clearly quite distressing for her.

We have a long way to go, a very long way. I think I may keep her with me for the rest of the day, to make sure she's okay, she's asleep on the sofa I use to nap on in between lessons, she looked utterly shattered. I do still need to know what has happened to her arm....
But for now: baby steps. Thats all I can do.

She reminds me a little of Sirius I must admit. Both equally as witty but also risk-taking as the other. Both heavy chainsmokers as well.... I've really ought to get her out fo that habit, Merlin knows I tried to get Sirius to stop enough times.

I still think of him every day, every full moon, every time I sit down in the Great Hall or pass a certain corridor. They were good days indeed . That was before the threat of Voldemort became imminent. Now the memories seem bittersweet.
But Y/N... she makes the memories of this place less painful. I don't know weather it's because she's become almost a... project for me to work on, or if because she reminds me so much of my best friend.

Either way I need to be careful. This girl is fragile, she's got a lot of stuff to work through and I shouldn't be interfering my personal life with her or our detentions.
The full moon is also a major issue, a rather big issue indeed. Or as James would of said, 'My furry little problem.'

I'll just let her find out for herself. She will find out, yes, in time. But for the time being I think it would just be a hindrance, she barely trusts me as it is, she may not trust me at all still.
We shall have to wait and see.

I couldn't tell you when we finally pulled away from that hug or how I managed to end up asleep on a sofa in the back room of his classroom but here I am.
I lift my head up to hear Lupin muttering to himself in the corner of the room, looking quite deep in thought. His eyes light up when he sees I'm awake though.

'Ah! Y/N! Lovely to see your doing okay'
I give him a nod as I get up and search for my bag, I need to get out of here, he's seen enough of me for one day and I need to go smoke.
'Your bag is with me Y/N and you shall be staying here with it, at least until teatime.'
I raise one eyebrow at him. 'Are you serious?'
'You really expect me to let you leave after what happened earlier? And you still have a detention to sit today Y/N.'

Lupin walks over to the sofa and sits himself down. Patting the space next to him, he invites me to sit.
'I think you may of worked out that I won't be going anywhere anytime soon Miss L/N, and I think you also may agree the only way these detentions are going to work is if you actually talk to me about what is happening.'
He goes to reach out his palm to my shoulder but I flinch, Lupin notices this too and retracts his hand. I swear I could see a tear forming in his eye..
'Can I at least have a cigarette.' I groan.
Lupin laughs sadly, 'Fine, fine. Whatever will make you happy makes me happy.'
I light up and give him a knowing look, 'That's where your mistaken sir, nothing makes me happy.'
We sit in silence after that. I offer him a drag but he declines with a small smile.

Once I'm finished I go to put out the stub on my hand- muscle memory I guess, but Lupin jumps up when he sees.
'I- No no no it's okay I think I have an ashtray around here 'Y/N' he flusters.
He peers over at my hand as he turns around, he must notice the dozens of circular burn scars but he says nothing.
'Ah there it is!' he pulls out an intricately designed clay ashtray and hands it to me, it's beautiful.
'I thought you didn't smoke sir?' I ask.
Lupin gives me a small chuckle, 'No it's not mine Y/N, belonged to an old friend of mine- and call me Remus! Sounds rather strange to hear sir outside of a lesson.'

I give him a grateful nod and I jump off the windowsill, my skirt hitching up a little as I do.
This time Remus most definitely noticed the other scars.
'I- are those what I think they are?'
I pull down my skirt and brush myself off. I'm trying to act as natural as I possibly can but my ears are burning from embarrassment and my head starts to cloud.
'It's nothing sir- I mean Remus. You must be seeing things' I laugh.
He furrows his brows and looks at me knowingly. 'I know what I saw. Please, just explain what is happening, I can help.'
The tear I saw in his eye before has seemed to reappear again.

I grab my bag from the corner of the room and open the door, I need to leave, he knows too much.
toomuchtoomuchtoomuchtoomuch
your pathetic secret is about to become uncovered.
'I'm going now sir. Thanks for everything really. But I'm not your little project to work on, and your not going to fix me or- or whatever you think your doing.'
Remus puts a calloused warm hand on my shoulder. 'Stay, please.'

I flinch at the touch of his hand. Tears have sprung in my eyes, I wish I could tell him, I really do.
'No.' I walk out the door and don't look back. I don't know what kind of mind-tricks he's playing... he's making me too comfortable for my own good. I know the real world, and no one in the real world is nice like Remus is.

If people in the real world were all like him then things would be a lot different.

I go back to my dorm. Lupin never chased after to me like he normally does, maybe he's just getting tired of me. I hope so. People like him shouldn't have to deal with dead-weight like me.
I don't bother getting unchanged or attempt to get a brush through my still matted hair, I just slide under the covers and I sob. I sob for my Mother, for those 7th years, for Remus. For my Dad even. I tear at my disgusting skin and pick the scabs off my healed cuts and I pull at my stupid matted hair and and and-

I tear and pull and scratch until there's nothing left and I fall asleep in a pathetic, sweating mess, my bedsheets are covered with blood. I'm too tired to care anymore.