Influence

Chapter 16

What a mistake.

Add it to the list, Jasper, you complete fool.

It had been an uncharacteristic compulsion that set him on a course towards Tam's place in Canoga Park. He'd had to see her. A need, not a want. He'd convinced himself on the way there that his decision was driven by logic. Tam was the prime suspect in his stepsister's murder. Of course, it was a natural conclusion that he'd want to speak to her.

It was reasonable. Rational. But he'd bungled it, nonetheless, letting emotion stomp all over logic. Nothing he'd said had been what he'd needed to say. He spoke in fits and starts, forcing her to fill in the gaps and guess at what he was getting at when he himself lacked the wherewithal to form coherent sentences.

The worse thing about their exchange was that he'd pressed her to pony up everything she knew when Jasper was the one who was withholding things. Sordid things. It was cruel for him to expect more of her than he did of himself.

And yet he had.

Rage washed over him like he was standing under a waterfall. It soaked him through to the bone. There were so many reasons for this rage and not so many places for him to direct it at. One of the people he loved most had been stolen away from him forever. She had kept things from him, and those things may have led to her death. He needed to figure a way to make this right.

No. That was another dumb idea. There was no making it right unless the dead could be raised.

Now, he'd gone to Tam for answers he suspected she didn't have and demanded them of her anyways. The friction between them could scrub a lasagna pan clean. It wasn't what he wanted but it was always the outcome when he was around her. She'd misunderstood him from the beginning, and he was incapable of changing that trajectory. Now she was involved in Goldie's death. Somehow. Now they both misunderstood each other. All he wanted was to reach common ground and he'd failed to achieve it.

Here he was, storming out of her building, worse off for his efforts. He'd probably scared the crap out of her. Maybe she deserved it. Goldie had called her. She'd gone to Goldie's place, and now Goldie was dead. One action led to the other or it didn't.

Jasper's grandfather used to say life comes at you fast, but right now, Jasper's life moved like one of those dreams he had every now and then where one minute he was lying on the beach and the next he was commandeering an icebreaker in an arctic pass. It made sense in the dream and no sense in waking reality. Disjointed, confusing, but still happening as though it was in real time. Time continued when you wanted it to stop so you could catch your breath. Or reverse it a day. He wanted to control it, to make it move like one foot being put in front of the other, steady and predictable; at whatever pace he chose.

He should never have come here to see Tam, but also, he should turn around and go back in and see her again. It made dream sense but not actual sense. No doubt she wouldn't open the door for him if he knocked on it now. And so, he told her—that dream version of Tam with whom he could speak to with no consequences and no tension—what he needed to say as he climbed into his car and made his way home.

I called you a liar when we met and I stand by that, but Goldie lied to you too. Right from the day you were hired. You had no idea what you'd gotten yourself involved in, Tam Martin.

Dream Tam listened. She wanted to hear what unexpected drama she'd lied her way into.

The deal—the Wanton Cosmetics deal for Lucre. What if I told you there was more to it than shiny lipstick and glittery eyeshadow? Would you believe me?

Dream Tam believed him. But the real Tam—he had no idea how to tell her.

The car ride ended before he could resolve this dilemma. As he pulled into the driveway, a flash of white from his front porch caught his eye. White t-shirt. A woman placing something next to the flowerpot with a half dead plant Goldie had given him and that he kept forgetting to water. He opened the car door and froze. Curly black hair with blond tips. Gold lips.