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warnings: so like when you go to a restaurant and you order the curry sauce with a level 2 spice and you end up with a level 3 spice but you don't expect it so it feels spicier than it actually is
word count: 1142 words
I COULD NOT REMEMBER THE LAST time I had felt this amount of panic surging through my bones. No, it wasn't just my bones, it was my entire body.
I want to be the friend you hopelessly fall in love with.
Her words wove their way around me, encompassing me in her confession.
Your favourite person in the whole wide world.
The feelings I felt towards her were just those of a very good friend, right?
The one who will memorize the things you say as well as the shapes your lips make as you say them.
It was wrong to feel this way towards another lady. I could either find a husband or never marry. I couldn't love a woman, could I?
I want to feel your skin flaming against mine.
An encounter from earlier in the spring flooded my memory. I had accidentally walked in on my sister Daphne and The Duke in a very 'close' encounter. He had her pinned against the wall, a hand holding her skirts up and gripping her thigh so that one of her legs curled around the side of his hip. His other hand was to be placed between her legs, and by the look on Daphne's face she was either she was in terrible pain or enjoying herself immensely. The fact that she wasn't pushing him away led me to believe it was the latter. Besides Daphne had informed me and Francesca what happens between a man and a woman in their marital bed, I was simply surprised he could use his hand.
I want you to want me so badly that the feeling never goes away.
I had a good idea as to what feeling she was talking about, but could it really be her I wanted? I shivered at the thought of Lia touching me the way I had seen Simon with Daphne. Her pinning me up against a wall, one of my legs wrapped around her hips. Then in my mind, we swapped places and it was I that was pinning her against the drawer. My hand that was holding her dress up, while my other hand made her-
"Miss Bridgerton!" my wicked train of thoughts was cut short by James Raymond, a very kind gentleman who was trying his very best to court me.
It was true what Lia had said, Eloise at the beginning of the season would have let a man come anywhere near courting her.
"Oh sorry I did not see you there," I could hear Daphne scolding me in the back of my mind so I added, "my Lord,"
"You look as though you have just seen a ghost, would you like to step outside for some fresh air?" his tone was joking and his grin was lopsided. He was unlike the rest of the gentlemen of the Ton. Not an old and crusty fuck, not a sweaty just-out-of-leading-strings boy, not a wicked rake, and most importantly not one of those 'nice guys' who told me I was unlike any other lady they had ever met. I remembered what my mother told me The nice guys are always the worst.
But he wasn't a 'nice guy' he was funny and seemed to put up with my sarcastic ways. Anthony said he would make a fine match, but mother always said to marry for love, and I didn't love him. I could learn to love him probably, but in my heart, I knew he wasn't the one for me.
As much as I didn't want to hear it, a little voice in the back of my brain reminded me I couldn't avoid marriage forever. Mother would not rest until all of her children were married and in love.
My thoughts drifted back to Lia. I knew I couldn't avoid love, but was I running from it?
More than a best friend.
Lia's voice bounced around my brain, becoming more painful the more I thought about it. Why did I run? Why on earth would I run away from her?
Probably because unlike nearly everything else in my life, she did not come with a blueprint or a plan. I always felt like I was the odd one out but Lia was the true wild card of the deck. Next to her, I looked like just another debutant.
But next to her I felt more like myself than around anyone else. I felt happier around her, sure my heart rate would increase whenever she touched my hand, but it felt more like an aggressive storm of butterflies than something bad.
"Lord Raymond, have you ever been in love?" I finally replied, ignoring his question entirely.
"You constantly keep me on my toes Miss Bridgerton, and yes I have," he cocked his head to the side and looked intrigued by my question.
"What did it feel like?"
"Well I was eleven at the time so my memory is a little hazy." he laughed, "It felt like... the feeling you get on your birthday when you wake up," he smiled to himself, "you feel so excited you can barely keep it all inside and your stomach feels like its performing a dance. At the same time you know it has to end at some point, but if you focus on the moment rather than the outcome you will have a wonderful day," his expression was distant and sad, but I really didn't have time for that right now.
Everything he said was how I felt towards Lia.
God and Christ almighty! She had told me she loved me and I had run away like a deer, okay maybe less graceful than a de- no like a wounded deer, I had run away from Lia like a wounded deer.
I could feel my heart threatening to leap out of my chest if I did not tell her right at that moment how I felt.
"Thank you L- James," I was grateful for his help but in my mind, I was no longer required to address him with such formality. Gathering up my skirts I booked it back down the hall where I had just come from. To where the woman I loved was.
i might publish chapter 12 later, thank you for being patient
