the first you made with me
upstairs, remember?
nothing more than
old plastic and
masking tape and
the pen I could never snatch from your hand
you said it was the perfect utensil
one moment you're scribbling a quote
the next you're sipping your soup
the pen-spoon, remember?
you said it was the perfect weapon
no one expects to be stabbed next to a man eating soup
I should have expected it, coming from you.
I still have it, you know,
I keep it with the
scrawled letters and
discarded dreams and
the cardboard knife you said wouldn't make a difference
and it didn't, of course it didn't.
the second I pulled out of the ground
out of the dirt, remember?
out of the dirt and grass you had me pinned against
it was tarnished and bent,
not quite rusted but discolored
disfigured into a rainbow that protected me.
when your body tumbled off of mine, I couldn't help but wonder:
why were you so afraid?
I know why I was afraid.
I still have it, you know,
a trophy of the only time I fought back and won
a trophy of the only time I fought back.
a spoon of victory and shame
the third was a gift from a man who wasn't you
a man from the great pyramids of the midwest
they caught on fire once, remember?
they were burning and all you said was
"look at the news"
and all I saw when I closed my eyes was
your body
bleeding on a classroom floor
your body
broken on the roadside
your body
anywhere but safe
anywhere but within reach,
you were fine, of course
but now I have a spoon to commemorate that feeling
of not knowing whether you're alive or dead
I've spent so long there I built a house in that feeling, a yard, a chair, a--
I still have them, you know,
that spoon, of course,
and that notion gnawing at my soul
when I close my eyes and see your hand go limp in mine
and I'm still screaming, always screaming, "he can't see without his glasses"
the fourth was a gift from you.
I still have it, you know.
when I feel like hurting myself
I slip it out of the highest--the farthest box on my shelf
I run my thumb across the smooth wood grain and wonder softly:
do you still have yours too?
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