Fate/Zero: A Different Path

Chapter 18

From the ruins of the Matou manor, we emerged, looking no worse for wear

The pair of Master and Servant, Kiritsugu and Saber, walked into the night. The pile of rubbles that used to be the enemy's hideout retreated behind then, fading into the night soon after

Saber's hand twitched at the sound of the Emiya's lighter being flicked off, followed by a small flickering flame that appeared over the tip of his waiting cigar

Snapping the lid shut, I took a deep drag of the now smoking joint. The burning ember lit up the space between us, reflecting off my Servant's troubled expression

"Is there something that bothers you, Saber?"

I breathed out. A ring of smoke blew forward from my lips

"No, not exactly" She denied, shaking her head "It's just...Master...back then you did not hesitate to pull the trigger...have you ever killed a child before?"

Memories of the recent experience with Sakura resurfaced. Unpleasant memories that brought about an undescribable feeling of guilt in me

That guilt is promptly crushed with cold rationality

"Three" I replied "I have killed three of them prior to meeting you"

"One is a child soldier in service of the Soviet Union. I gave him a bullet in the head after he attempted to betray me in one of my missions"

I cut her off as Saber made to comment

No doubt she would criticize me

"The other is hardly a human. It's a deformed lump of flesh made for Mana reservation by one of the more heretical Magus. I put him out of his misery"

"And the last?"

I smiled wryly

"A son of a Sealing Designated, hailing from a family specializing in time Magecraft" I looked to the distance "Though it will be self-destructive and pointless, he has his own future...a future that i took away from him"

"...Master, what had that child done to you?"

I shrugged

Kiritsugu Emiya has not done anything to me. 

He is, by all account, uninvolved with my situation. I myself had not killed him, as I have no reason to

But that is why I felt frustrated the most about him

I was the one who killed the child. My transmigration into his body, as accidental as it may be, is no excuse for senseless pedicide. 

It's a far fetched thought, but once you've put thought into it, is true 

Saber, as though sensing my thoughts, took a step closer to me in return 

"H-how can you kill so easily? They are children, aren't they?"

I clicked my teeth. My hand raised and flicked her forehead, earning a surprised yelp from Saber

"That's what you misunderstood. Killing for me is never easy" I turned around and continued walking "Every kill is for a purpose. Every kill brings me a step closer to my goal. I did it because I have to, doesn't mean I enjoy it"

"Then how do you cope with it?"

I glanced at Saber, who have a conflicted look on her face

"I don't" I replied bluntly "Saber. Compassion is, and will always be a part of us human. It may be easy to turn off your moral compass in a battle, but it is hard to deal with it afterward"