Behind Your Walls

26 | what I left behind

When I open my eyes, it is because of the beep of my phone beside my ear. It beeps again and I groan, stretching my body to let out a yawn only to check myself in time when I find a heavy weight around my waist.

I shut my mouth instantly, preventing myself from having an embarrassing moment in front of Carter. I turn my head to look at him and find him sleeping on his belly, face towards me, and one hand on my waist while the other pillows his head.

A grey blanket covers our naked bodies underneath. I smile when I hear him snoring softly. He looks so peaceful and undisturbed that I don't want to accidentally wake him up.

I look towards the window to find dawn breaking and take a look at the clock to read the time. The hands of the clock point close to 4 am. If I hadn't forgotten to silence my phone, I would have slept better.

Warmth greets my cheeks when I recollect the events of the night. Carter was so patient and gentle with me. I can perfectly imagine why girls at school never said 'No' to being his one-night stands. He is not only good but takes his time with a girl, something which most boys his age don't like to do.

I pick up my phone and swipe to unlock it. I see messages from Stephen in my notifications and I open them up instantly, happy to at least have a word from him.

Stephen: Hey, sorry I have been busy with practice. I got on the team. :)

I had expected it to be something more serious which made him ignore me but I choose to let it go. I send him a congratulatory gif instead and he quickly replies with a thank you sticker. I grin inwardly.

Getting into the team was one of Stephen's major goals and I am happy he was able to get it. I know I should ask him why he has been distant but I don't want to bring old matters back. Maybe I will ask him someday when things get back to cordial between us.

I keep the phone back beside my pillow and proceed to stare at the ceiling. My body has an ache and I know the reason for it perfectly well. I didn't know first experiences could lead to discomfort too. I want to ignore the pain between my legs but it is a tough one to miss out on.

I sigh, shifting slightly to not wake Carter up but his hold around my waist tightens and he groans. I stay still for seconds and let him go back to sleep. When he does, I slowly lift his arm off me and place it beside him. He doesn't move; that assures me that he is still in his dreamland.

I place my feet on the floor soundlessly and am greeted by the sight of our clothes on the floor. I spot my underwear near my feet and pick it up, dragging Carter's T-shirt with my toes towards me. I let the blanket slide off my body as I wear them and stand up. My legs tremble so I have to take the support of the wall beside me while I walk towards the bathroom to pee.

Alone inside with a hazy vision, I look in the mirror and make out my face to be flushed, my hair a mess of tangles, and my eyes looking puffy. I turn the tap on and wash my face with cold water. It relieves me and after a while, I can see clearer. I take a look at the mirror again and hiss at my disheveled appearance.

I don't know what I expected to happen but I still look the same. It is a stupid thing to think of but even with the pain between my legs and the blood on the soiled sheets which I spotted earlier and have to wash as soon as Carter gets up, I notice no difference in me.

I look back to the past two weeks and it makes me feel sick. I think about Mom, about how I promised myself that I will save her once I am out of the house but I didn't do shit about it.

Instead, I am here, exploring the advantages of having a boyfriend. I have completely cut her off from my life except for the occasional reassurances to myself that I am doing the right thing, for her.