HIRAETH // Captain Puffy X Reader

19

For the first time in your life, you felt a little seasick. 

You were tucked away in the hold of the ship now, leaned up against the wall in between two barrels - out of sight from anyone that wandered down here. You needed some time to yourself, just to think. 

You felt like your insides were splitting in half - the crack in Puffy's voice when she had asked you if you were still hoping to be rescued was playing in your head. Out of both times Puffy had kicked you out of the captains quarters, this one hurt the most. You hadn't been scared like you had been the last time, and she hadn't been angry. The way she had said it was more resigned, like she was disappointed. 

You didn't really know when you had started caring about her enough that her disappointment stung, but here you were. And just when things were starting to get okay again... you had to go and ruin any progress you had made getting Puffy to like you.

Just thinking about Puffy's drawn frown made you flood with regret. You should have give her the intel on the ship, or at least some semblance of hope that they could make it to the X marked on the map before the navy caught up. You should have said something... but every time you thought about it, another bout of shame flooded through you. 

That was a line you weren't sure you wanted to cross. That was really betraying the crown. 

You pressed your face into your hands, biting back a groan. If you had known you would have been having a crisis about where you loyalties lay, you would have never taken the offer to get out of that cell. The bruises you'd gotten from sleeping on the floor had been more manageable than the feeling that your chest was about to rip open at any moment and your heart was going to go spilling onto the floor. 

For the first time in your life, you didn't know what you wanted. 

Things had been simple enough, up until now. You had known you wanted to go into the kings navy, and when you had been sailing with Simon, you knew your place. Orders were given to you, and they were carried out because that was how things worked. Now, you had no idea where you fit in to this world on the Night Ghost. 

You were Tubbo's teacher and friend, sure, but you were also an extra set of hands for Gemma - and above all that, you were still a prisoner. And now Puffy was asking you to be a source for information on the people you had previous been a part of. 

And what happened if you did get rescued? What happened if the Night Ghost was eaten by the sea and the crew was pulled from the waves to be brought back to the mainland for trial? If it came down to the line, would Puffy tell the king that you had willingly helped them? But on the other hand, what happened if you did get away from the navy - would Puffy resent you forever for not giving up the information when she asked?

She had had a point when she had said you were already betraying the crown just by walking free on the deck. You had gotten too close to the members of this crew for it to be just circumstantial - you were sure of that now. There was a family here, and sometimes you found yourself longing to be fully part of it. 

And then you would snap yourself out of it, thinking about your home back on the mainland. 

These questions and what ifs were killing you. And if you didn't figure out what you wanted soon, things would get a lot worse. 

You were standing at a point of divergence. On the left, you could withhold the information, suffer the consequences and lose the trust of the pirates you had come to know and care for. On the right, you could give Puffy everything you knew about the navy ships and become a full blown traitor to the crown you had spent your life serving. 

What a choice to make.

And it wasn't just choosing between supporting the crown or going against it. It was choosing between the pirates or your old crew - between Puffy or Simon. Simon, who had been bright and young and ready to take on the world, or Puffy, who was fierce and loyal and scary but warm at the same time. 

And then there was Tubbo. Tubbo who wouldn't understand why everyone on the ship hated you if you withheld information. Tubbo who wouldn't understand why a bunch of ship were chasing after his mother and the map. Sweet innocent Tubbo, who had only known long days in the sunshine and dangling his feet off the side of the ship to feel the spray of the water. 

You couldn't betray him like that. 

You tipped your head back to lean against the wooden side of the ship. You knew you wanted to stay. You knew you wanted to help these people, despite hating them all in the beginning. You desperatley wanted to keep these last few weeks going - the laughter and the shared sense of community and teaching Tubbo how to read. 

You didn't know if you were strong enough to let go of the crown and the navy and live the rest of your life without that security. 

You did know that you had to make a choice soon. 

If only the tearing of your soul would stop for a moment so that you could get a coherent thought in and actually sort out the problem. But no, you had a feeling that this heartwrenching pull would be around for a bit, until you finally bucked up the courage to either tell Puffy that you would help, or tell her you wouldn't and have to shoulder the weight of Gemma's blank stare and Tubbo's little frown.